A Girl's Guide To Guy-On-Guy Sex: Butt Edition

I currently field so many questions about my butt that I feel like I’m its tour guide (we’re walking, we’re walking, to the right you have the prostate… don’t touch it! Photos only!) and I have family members who don’t know how my boyfriend and I met, but turn into Sam I Am on the subject of gay buttsex, popping up out of nowhere with incessant, inappropriate questions: Do you do it without lube? How does a dick fit into that tube? You really put it right in there? How often do you wash your underwear?

Many gay men will disagree with what I say here — everybody’s different. So feel free to take to the comments and share your experience. And now, without further ado, I offer you my totally subjective guide to the questions that straight girls frequently ask gay dudes about their sex lives. May you read this in the future instead of bothering your friends. Enjoy!

1. Shit Happens

Let’s get something straight: Do you poop? Does it come out of somewhere besides your ass? Thought so. I will say this once and once only and let it never be asked to me again: Unless one’s partner spends an hour before sex squatting over a towel with a water-hose and a much-beleaguered roomba, there will be some vestiges of poop. I mean smears and small plops, not whole pieces of poop. The idea that an actual piece of poop will come out during sex would probably imply that it was intentional. Unless there’s a kind of gay buttsex that I don’t know about — involving squatting over your partner with a magazine and a roll of toilet paper — the poop quotient really isn’t as bad as you think it is.

2. If it hurts, you’re doing it wrong. If it feels good, you’re doing it right.

Something that I didn’t know for years was that bottoming actually feels good. I too was under the mistaken notion that tops got all the pleasure and bottoms closed their eyes and thought of England. Think of the male ass like the vagina: If you put something in there and you do it at the right speed and properly communicate with your partner, it’ll feel great. If you don’t do these things or if you are new to the act, it will probably hurt. And if it hurts it’s not going well. And that can be remedied.

3. Think of “top” and “bottom” as positions, not identities.

This is the most confusing for people. Let’s say a girl and guy are fucking. They probably do it in a couple different positions. These positions are based on what feels good for the individual, what they know they like based on previous encounters, what they feel like doing that day and whole host of other factors. No one is going to say “That girl likes it doggie? From the way she talks and acts, I thought she was a total missionary!” It wouldn’t make sense. In the same way, most people I know figure out what role they are going to play from a whole different host of metrics. Questions like “wait, the bottom was in charge? The top is passive/shorter/Asian/anything” are based on a whole host of incorrect assumptions and should be avoided.

4. Equating bottoms with women is offensive… to women.

Just a quick note on this one: If you are trying to figure out which member of a gay relationship is “the woman” you are doing everyone a disservice. Women who get fucked do so not because they are submissive, inferior or have an innate desire to do housework. They get fucked because they want to and it feels good. This one gets tossed around more than it should. If two men are doing it, they are still both men. The connotations that penetrative sex turns someone into the stereotypical “woman” isn’t really good for anyone.

5. What happens if two tops or bottoms go home together? Anything they want.

This is another really common one. It’s the question I am most asked by people who should know better, and the one I’m most sick of answering. They either alter their preferred role for the evening or find some other creative ways to get off. Exceptions to this rule are dyed in the wool power-tops or power-bottoms who often have their identities wrapped up in how they fuck and have missed a million miles of fun.

6. Unsafe sex is for morons.

I believe that safe sex is a must. Skipping a condom with anyone besides a tested, trusted partner is a widely acknowledged bad idea. Too many times I have tried to tell a straight friend or acquaintance about some sex I have had and their first question is “did you use a condom?” I believe that condoms aren’t optional and resent the implication that I’ve turned a blind eye to 30 years of men’s health concerns. If someone is having consistent unsafe sex is it more often than not a choice, and always a bad one. No amount of your concern is going to change that. It will just anger the conscientious butt-fucker and elicit a dismissal from those who choose to take the road less intelligent. Either way, it is not germane to the conversation at hand.

Stay tuned for next week’s edition: everything but the butt.

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