A Definitive Ranking of Zodiac Signs, by Someone Who Totally Knows Stuff About Astrology

Not all generations are burdened by a pseudoscientific obsession with their own horoscope, but mine certainly is. As much as I enjoy getting a really rude and totally inconsequential daily notification from the Co-Star app, I don’t actually know much about star signs or moon signs or rising signs or stop signs. When a friend says something like, “That’s so Capricorn of you” to another, I nod in agreement, having no real concept of what I’m acknowledging. (Sometimes it’s just fun to be involved, you know?) Despite my lack of knowledge, though, I do think there is a lot of value in reading the zodiac and how important it is to certain people and cultures. I also know that Scorpios are to be avoided, or something.

And yet, because I have absorbed a limited pool of knowledge about horoscopes and astrology through conversations with friends and the larger pop culture landscape, I believe that makes me qualified to give a definitive ranking of all 12 signs. Feel free to disagree, but I am truly unbiased. Think of me as a control group, and this as empirical work.

12. Scorpio

I’ve heard many people in many different situations label Scorpios “evil,” or “conniving” and while I value contrarian opinions, Jeffree Star is a Scorpio.

11. Gemini

As interesting and empathetic as twins can be in real life, the twin sign is basically supposed to be Two-Face in Batman, right? Who wants to hang out with a liar? Also, the only Gemini I can name is Donald Trump, so do with that information what you will.

10. Taurus

Like a cow, they are cozy and cute but ultimately boring. I know this because no one is ever in a social situation like, “Woooo, I’m a Taurus!”

9. Capricorn

I don’t know the difference between this sign and Taurus, but I think Capricorns might have more of a go-getter spirit, like a baby goat.

8. Cancer

No one likes a moody crybaby. Or crabs, for that matter.

7. Libra

These are the scales, right? Yawn.

6. Aries

I’m not sure what’s the deal with Aries, but I do like air.

5. Leo

Lions seem like, really full of themselves, but passionate leader types are attractive. It’s called confidence, sheeple.

4. Virgo

Many people are Virgos because their parents boned on New Year’s Eve and produced incredibly analytical offspring. None of that matters, because Beyoncé is a Virgo.

3. Pisces

These fish are deep, emotional, and dreamy, which sounds like a good time to me.

2. Aquarius

Harry Styles is an Aquarius, which I assume means all Aquarians are sexy and cool and have a unique vibe. Like, they must be charismatic. Please note this is solely based on my affinity for Styles.

1. Sagittarius

Someone once told me Sagittarians are playful and love to travel—you can’t keep them in one place for too long, and that’s an attractive ideal. Plus, I think this is the centaur one, and centaurs have a lot of fuck in them.