Not all generations are burdened by a pseudoscientific obsession with their own horoscope, but mine certainly is. As much as I enjoy getting a really rude and totally inconsequential daily notification from the Co-Star app, I don’t actually know much about star signs or moon signs or rising signs or stop signs. When a friend says something like, “That’s so Capricorn of you” to another, I nod in agreement, having no real concept of what I’m acknowledging. (Sometimes it’s just fun to be involved, you know?) Despite my lack of knowledge, though, I do think there is a lot of value in reading the zodiac and how important it is to certain people and cultures. I also know that Scorpios are to be avoided, or something.
And yet, because I have absorbed a limited pool of knowledge about horoscopes and astrology through conversations with friends and the larger pop culture landscape, I believe that makes me qualified to give a definitive ranking of all 12 signs. Feel free to disagree, but I am truly unbiased. Think of me as a control group, and this as empirical work.
12. Scorpio
I’ve heard many people in many different situations label Scorpios “evil,” or “conniving” and while I value contrarian opinions, Jeffree Star is a Scorpio.
11. Gemini
As interesting and empathetic as twins can be in real life, the twin sign is basically supposed to be Two-Face in Batman, right? Who wants to hang out with a liar? Also, the only Gemini I can name is Donald Trump, so do with that information what you will.
10. Taurus
Like a cow, they are cozy and cute but ultimately boring. I know this because no one is ever in a social situation like, “Woooo, I’m a Taurus!”