A Definitive Ranking of Zodiac Signs, by Someone Who Totally Knows Stuff About Astrology

Illustration for article titled A Definitive Ranking of Zodiac Signs, by Someone Who Totally Knows Stuff About Astrology
Image: Ethan Miller (Getty Images)

Not all generations are burdened by a pseudoscientific obsession with their own horoscope, but mine certainly is. As much as I enjoy getting a really rude and totally inconsequential daily notification from the Co-Star app, I don’t actually know much about star signs or moon signs or rising signs or stop signs. When a friend says something like, “That’s so Capricorn of you” to another, I nod in agreement, having no real concept of what I’m acknowledging. (Sometimes it’s just fun to be involved, you know?) Despite my lack of knowledge, though, I do think there is a lot of value in reading the zodiac and how important it is to certain people and cultures. I also know that Scorpios are to be avoided, or something.

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And yet, because I have absorbed a limited pool of knowledge about horoscopes and astrology through conversations with friends and the larger pop culture landscape, I believe that makes me qualified to give a definitive ranking of all 12 signs. Feel free to disagree, but I am truly unbiased. Think of me as a control group, and this as empirical work.

12. Scorpio

I’ve heard many people in many different situations label Scorpios “evil,” or “conniving” and while I value contrarian opinions, Jeffree Star is a Scorpio.

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11. Gemini

As interesting and empathetic as twins can be in real life, the twin sign is basically supposed to be Two-Face in Batman, right? Who wants to hang out with a liar? Also, the only Gemini I can name is Donald Trump, so do with that information what you will.

10. Taurus

Like a cow, they are cozy and cute but ultimately boring. I know this because no one is ever in a social situation like, “Woooo, I’m a Taurus!”

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9. Capricorn

I don’t know the difference between this sign and Taurus, but I think Capricorns might have more of a go-getter spirit, like a baby goat.

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8. Cancer

No one likes a moody crybaby. Or crabs, for that matter.

7. Libra

These are the scales, right? Yawn.

6. Aries

I’m not sure what’s the deal with Aries, but I do like air.

5. Leo

Lions seem like, really full of themselves, but passionate leader types are attractive. It’s called confidence, sheeple.

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4. Virgo

Many people are Virgos because their parents boned on New Year’s Eve and produced incredibly analytical offspring. None of that matters, because Beyoncé is a Virgo.

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3. Pisces

These fish are deep, emotional, and dreamy, which sounds like a good time to me.

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2. Aquarius

Harry Styles is an Aquarius, which I assume means all Aquarians are sexy and cool and have a unique vibe. Like, they must be charismatic. Please note this is solely based on my affinity for Styles.

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1. Sagittarius

Someone once told me Sagittarians are playful and love to travel—you can’t keep them in one place for too long, and that’s an attractive ideal. Plus, I think this is the centaur one, and centaurs have a lot of fuck in them.

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Fight me.

Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands, is out now.

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DISCUSSION

As a Sag I’m honored to be seen as good because we’re normally seen as kind of chaotic/bad. I never really felt like a Sag because I’m not super outgoing but I’ve recently realized the essence of a Sag is basically just going through a lot of shit and only telling selective people or making big decisions and only telling a few people. So to an outsider it all seems random/impulsive but it’s not actually. Like in my mind Britney Spears is a classic Sag. Just like fun/mysterious and will make random throwaway comments like ‘I burned down my gym with a candle’ in the middle of a workout video and never elaborate.