A Definitive List Of Which Batmans Would Go Down On Their Respective Villains

A Definitive List Of Which Batmans Would Go Down On Their Respective Villains

There's a reason the Batsuit leaves a wide opening for Batman's jaw

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A poster portraying Batman kissing Superman
Image: Oscar Del Pozo (Getty Images)

Batman fucks; this is an irrefutable fact. It is comic book canon that he is a dark and brooding billionaire playboy and while I’m sure Gotham takes up a lot of his time, the hero that tries his best to never kill needs to release his rage somehow. What better manner than pounding some poon or peen, depending on which Batman you’re thinking of? In an effort to sanitize the Bat, DC Comics had the creators of HBO Max’s Harley Quinn remove a scene in which a cartoon version of Batman performs oral on Catwoman. The creators were told by the powers that be at DC, “Heroes don’t do that,” referring to the art of cunnilingus.

This is a disgrace to the Batman legacy and an affront to Catwoman, who is the second most attractive villain in the DC universe (Zatanna is number one and we can actually fight if you disagree).

So it falls to me, a Batman lover, to provide the definitive yes or no on all of the Batmans as lovers. This will be specific to each individual Batman’s respective villain because, of course, being as troubled as he is, Batman can’t have sex with some normie; it needs to be with someone he hates. Perhaps Bruce Wayne makes sweet sweet love to appropriate partners, but the Bat could never. Let’s get down to business.

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2 / 9

Adam West, Batman: The Movie

Adam West, Batman: The Movie

Adam West as Batman
Image: Hulton Archive (Getty Images)

Do you see those eyebrows? This is the Batcowl of a man who wants to watch his partner be pleasured. The core villains in this film are members of the United Underworld: Penguin, Riddler, Catwoman, and of course the Joker.

The Joker and Batman have a particularly special bond but I believe that in this film in particular Batman would have been devoting more of his time to Catwoman. Penguin is automatically a no-go because he smells at all times like fish and the Gotham City sewers.

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3 / 9

Michael Keaton, Batman and Batman Returns

Michael Keaton, Batman and Batman Returns

Michael Keaton
Image: Adam Rountree (Getty Images)

Michael Keaton really had everything going for him in these two films. Jack Nicholson in his iconic performance as the Joker, Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman, and Danny Devito as Penguin.

Once again I must reiterate that under no circumstances would any Batman perform oral on any Penguin, but it would be particularly unfeasible on this version of Penguin, brought to life by director Tim Burton, as a true grotesque. Also, Keaton’s Batman was incredibly straightedge and would not consider his own sexuality as something fluid. That being said, no one could possibly say no to Michelle Pfieffer in that Catsuit so yes, Keaton is going down.

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4 / 9

Val Kilmer, Batman Forever

Val Kilmer, Batman Forever

Val Kilmer as Batman, Chris O'Donnell as Robin
Image: Warner Bros (Getty Images)

I mean. You see those lips right? Do I really have to spell it out? This Bat is going down faster than you can say, “Why are Robin’s nipples so hard?”

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5 / 9

George Clooney, Batman and Robin

George Clooney, Batman and Robin

Image for article titled A Definitive List Of Which Batmans Would Go Down On Their Respective Villains
Image: TMS & DC Comics (Getty Images)

Not only does this Batman not eat the box, he has probably never uttered the word pussy in his life. Robin looks like he’d be down to clown though, however, he would need a lot of guidance from his partner.

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6 / 9

Christian Bale, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and The Dark Knight Rises

Christian Bale, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and The Dark Knight Rises

Christian Bale
Image: Gareth Cattermole (Getty Images)

A lot to unpack here. Across this excellent franchise, the villains were Scarecrow, played by Cillian Murphy; Joker, played by Heath Ledger; Two-Face, played by Aaron Eckhart; Bane, played by Tom Hardy; Catwoman, played by Anne Hathaway; and Talia al Ghul, played by Marion Cotillard. That’s a lot of attractive people to consider fellating!

Let’s start with the first film. Cillian Murphy is beautiful as Scarecrow and I am not exaggerating when I say I would drink that man’s bathwater. But would first-film Batman feel the same? He would not! If you recall, this Batman was still getting his bearings and he was distracted by his thirst for Rachel, played by Katie Holmes. Was Bruce Wayne going down on Rachel? No. That’s why they didn’t last as a couple.

In the sequel, we have Ledger’s Joker, also very good-looking, and Eckhart’s Two-Face. By this point, Batman is better at his job but still distracted by Rachel, now played by Maggie Gyllenhaal who is sort of dating Two-Face before he gets the second face. Clearly, Batman still isn’t going down on Rachel, or else she wouldn’t be looking for it somewhere else. Because of this emotional distress, he is unable to provide any pleasure to his nemesis the Joker, which is probably why he wants to unleash chaos on the city.

Then there is the final installment with the villain trifecta of Catwoman, Bane, and Talia. By this point Rachel is dead and Batman is a broken man. He is definitely not fucking with Bane because he is threatened by Bane’s masculinity which is more toxic than his own. But Batman is absolutely slobbering on Catwoman’s kitty and Talia’s tulips because he’s got nothing left to lose and understands that he is here for a good time, not a long time. This, my friends, is what we call growth.

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7 / 9

Ben Affleck, Batman v. Superman Dawn of Justice, Justice League, and Suicide Squad

Ben Affleck, Batman v. Superman Dawn of Justice, Justice League, and Suicide Squad

Ben Affleck looking fine as hell
Image: Nicholas Hunt (Getty Images)

We all know that Ben Affleck the man sucks face, but does Batfleck suck clit? The answer is unfortunately a resounding no, but I don’t believe it’s because he doesn’t want to. There are two things that limit him. The first is the Bat cowl. The man cannot move his neck to turn and look at someone, much less move his head to navigate one’s nether regions effectively. Then there is the presence of Superman. If given the choice, why would anyone not choose to be fucked in the sky by an alien over a man who has a computer-generated voice and horns that can poke you in the wrong place at the wrong time? Exactly.

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8 / 9

Will Arnett, The Lego Movie and The Lego Batman Movie

Will Arnett, The Lego Movie and The Lego Batman Movie

Image for article titled A Definitive List Of Which Batmans Would Go Down On Their Respective Villains
Image: Dave Kotinsky (Getty Images)

The robe screams yes but the lack of evidence that this Batman has a tongue or even lips screams no.

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9 / 9