A Comprehensive List of People Who Are Not Doctors Yet Shamelessly Continue to Use the Unearned Honorific

Doctors. They do important stuff and they spend a lot of time in school in order to be called doctors. But as Fox News cretin Tucker Carlson has pointed out twice now, in a seemingly unending conservative squall over Jill Biden’s doctorate that began with an extremely sexist Wall Street Journal column, not all doctors are created equally. Some doctors don’t even doctor for other people, can you fucking believe it? They doctor for education or philosophy or business. Unheard of!

But then there are some doctors who don’t doctor anything at all, and yet there they are. out in the world asking people to call them doctor without so much as a bachelor’s degree, which is just despicable. I mean, do these people even have dissertations? Yet somehow they are free to walk the earth without being molested by Tucker Carlson despite their mockery of the institution of doctoring.

In order to help us simple-minded, non-doctor folk navigate who is and is not a doctor, please consider this helpful comprehensive list of people who are definitely not doctors. Or people.

Dr. Bronner – Makes soaps

Dr. Meter – Measures shit

Dr. Love – A literal fraud

Dr. Browns – a beverage that is NOT better than Dr. Pepper, I don’t care what you say, Kelly!

Dr. Pepper – The best thing to happen to soda since the invention of carbonation, but still less of a doctor than Dr. Jill Biden, despite Tucker Carlson’s thoughts.

Doc Brown – A time traveler