A Comprehensive List of People Who Are Not Doctors Yet Shamelessly Continue to Use the Unearned Honorific

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Doctors. They do important stuff and they spend a lot of time in school in order to be called doctors. But as Fox News cretin Tucker Carlson has pointed out twice now, in a seemingly unending conservative squall over Jill Biden’s doctorate that began with an extremely sexist Wall Street Journal column, not all doctors are created equally. Some doctors don’t even doctor for other people, can you fucking believe it? They doctor for education or philosophy or business. Unheard of!


But then there are some doctors who don’t doctor anything at all, and yet there they are. out in the world asking people to call them doctor without so much as a bachelor’s degree, which is just despicable. I mean, do these people even have dissertations? Yet somehow they are free to walk the earth without being molested by Tucker Carlson despite their mockery of the institution of doctoring.

In order to help us simple-minded, non-doctor folk navigate who is and is not a doctor, please consider this helpful comprehensive list of people who are definitely not doctors. Or people.

Dr. Bronner - Makes soaps

Dr. Meter - Measures shit

Dr. Love - A literal fraud

Dr. Browns - a beverage that is NOT better than Dr. Pepper, I don’t care what you say, Kelly!

Dr. Pepper - The best thing to happen to soda since the invention of carbonation, but still less of a doctor than Dr. Jill Biden, despite Tucker Carlson’s thoughts.

Doc Brown - A time traveler

Dr. Demento - A radio man

The Rug Doctor - A doctor so fake yet so helpful that Jason Torchinsky of Jalopnik had to step in and explain: “I admire the Rug Doctor, and I feel like he’s a role model we need right now. He solemnly asserts his rage at dirt, but he doesn’t just complain or tweet about it, he fucking chugs water and cleanser and SETTLES HASH. He identifies what’s wrong and does what’s needed. He wouldn’t let Trump or any of those fuckers get away with anything under some pretense of ‘unity’ or whatever. He’d be steaming mad. He’s a machine of action.”

Dr. Dre - A music man

Dr. J - A basketball man

Dr. Mario - A plumber with a lab coat 

Dr. Seuss - A poet and possibly a racist

Dr. Evil - A villain with a cat

Dr. Teeth - A Muppet

Dr. Light - A comic book villain

Dr. Manhattan - A blue man with an enormous radioactive penis

Spin Doctors - A band

Dr. Who - A lady alien who can’t be a real doctor (because she is a lady not because she’s an alien)


Dr. Theopolis - A machine



This entire thing is a perfect illustration of what, exactly, it means to be conservative nowadays, which is to have basically no consistent principles except deliberately provoking and demeaning people (and tax cuts for the rich, I guess). That is it.

There was no reason, whatsoever, for this op-ed to exist. It wasn’t making any broader point about an arguable problem in society (even if you take it at face value that getting a PhD is “too easy,” it’s not clear why that is a problem that needs existing). It is not a liberal vs. conservative issue. Dr. Jill Biden just decided that, as a public figure, she wants to be referred to using a professional honorific she has earned the right to use. The op-ed had no legitimate argument, all it was meant to do was discount Dr. Jill Biden’s accomplishments and her right to exist with an identity that is separate from her husband’s. Then, when people understandably criticized an op-ed that not only was pointless and nasty but that made no sense on its own terms (one of the author’s “points” in support of his argument was that he, himself, did not go by “Dr.” even though he admitted that he did not earn that title the way Dr. Biden did), suddenly it became a matter of “free speech” and “cancel culture,” even though all anyone was doing was criticizing an opinion piece. And then the entire right wing ecosystem, which had never, to my knowledge, been particularly concerned about whether someone with a PhD goes by “Dr.,” went into overdrive to defend the op-ed, for no reason other than that liberals were criticizing it.

This is how the right wing media machine manufactures outrage out of whole cloth. It’s the war on Christmas, and the war on Thanksgiving, and “Don’t make fun of Barron!” over a dumb pun and the only way to get it to stop is if the media stops pretending that any of this is genuine or being done in good faith and that it is just partisan fighting when what it is is one side being provocative assholes.