A Bride On Acid Answers All of Your Trippiest Wedding Questions

Welcome to Jezebel’s wedding advice column, written by a bride on very powerful hallucinogens.

Dear Bride on Acid,

My wedding venue is going to cost so much more than I thought that I’m not sure I can afford to invite my fiancee’s huge family plus all of my friends plus all of their plus ones. What’s a polite way to tell guests that they can’t bring dates?

Penny Pinching

Dear PP,

Okay, the first thing you need to do is open yourself up to the recognition that money is basically a joke. Do animals have money? Do they need money? Does money even work in hyperspace? I mean come on. Also, your fiance’s family won’t be so huge once they’re all shrunk down to elves. But okay, as far as plus ones go, maybe use this little test: Ask your friend if she and her S.O. have ever entered hyperspace and there been encircled by alien tentacles in a soul-merging embrace. If the answer’s no, she comes solo.

Dear Bride on Acid,

What kind of veil would you recommend for a tea-length vintage ivory colored dress? I love birdcage veils but I just can’t seem to pull them off.

Veiled Intentions

Dear VI,

My advice: instead of wearing a veil? Try stripping away the veils of “maya” that separate your mind from your body, your body from the earth, the future from the past, the male from the female, the dead from the living.

Or go for a classic cathedral-length lace and bead look because fuck man it’s your day.

Dear Bride on Acid,

Instead of champagne, my future wife and I were thinking of toasting with a signature cocktail at the reception. What do you recommend?

Cocktail Groom

Dear CG,

Ah-ah! I got this, ghost doppelgänger living one second further in the future than I do! Signature cocktails can be a little bit of a gamble: what if the guests hate gin? What if it tastes bad? What if someone forgets that you’re allergic to water? Better to stick to creating a signature chemical compound. Like try mixing up a batch 2C-B (2,5-dimethoxy-4-bromophenethylamine), a mild psychedelic and aphrodisiac that your guests will love, especially when it is piped in through the air ducts during the dress rehearsal.

Do not make the mistake we did though, of requesting this drug on your registry because it bears a very similar likeness to CB2, the Crate and Barrel’s “low-key” brand. Now we have to return these Formica curtains and duvet covers because the fabric is all wrong, wrong about everything but especially about the gender dynamics in “Gone Girl.” The curtains clash with the Magic Eye drapes; and the duvet is mispronouncing “misandrist.” The sooner they leave, the better.

Not to get too off-track: We also got to return this old doorknob I stole from a place far away, because a) doors don’t exist, only large windows missing the glass, and b) the knob has taken to pleading with us, in dulcet tones, that we go to Sheriff Truman and tell him she’s seen the other lodge.

TheKnot.com doesn’t have a barter section, but I’ll trade this talking doorknob for the lady Beth Gibbons from Portishead doing a live cover of “All Mine” as I walk down the aisle.

Dear Bride on Acid,

How long do I have to send out Thank You cards, really?

Grateful But Tired

Dear GBT,

I guess the answer depends on how long it takes to collect enough of your own blood to write all those notes.

ʅʕ•ᴥ•ʔʃ,

BOA

“Bride on Acid” is written by Alena Smith and Drew Grant. Submit your wedding-related queries to Bride on Acid here or via Twitter.