Meghan Markle and Prince Harry—ever heard of ‘em? After recently moving to Los Angeles, so that Markle can finally wear yoga pants again and maybe relaunch her lifestyle website, the ex-royals have unveiled the next chapter in their lives: A charity. That’s great! Unfortunately, it’s called Archewell, which sounds like a secretive bio-pharmaceutical lab in Resident Evil.
The Telegraph reports that the Sussexes’ new charity organization is partly inspired by their son Archie, and I’m sure Meghan and Harry are rather pleased with its refined elegance and regality as it rolls off the tongues of gossip columnists worldwide. According to the press release announcing Archewell, “Arche” is Greek for “sources of action”:
“We connected to this concept for the charitable organisation we hoped to build one day, and it became the inspiration for our son’s name. To do something of meaning, to do something that matter. Archewell is a name that combines an ancient word for strength and action, and another that evokes the deep resources we each must draw upon. We look forward to launching Archewell when the time is right.”
That’s all fine and good, and I rather like Archie as a name for a royal baby (or anyone, should they desire it). But for an organization, the name Archewell conjures a seemingly anodyne but in fact quite villainous group that does devious things in Bond movies. Apropos of nothing, then, here is a list of things “Archewell” sounds like:
- A henchgroup that steals people’s Pokémon so it can use them to power a casino boat slash warship.
- A biopharmaceutical company that engineers police dogs that are also machine guns.
- A rival paramilitary group to Blackwater.
- A nuclear submarine in Metal Gear Solid staffed entirely by hot ex-marines in fishnet tights.
- A company that puts on sex parties for rich people, like in Succession.
- An election meddling tech-startup founded by former Pete Buttigieg staffers.
- An Umbrella corporation subsidiary in Resident Evil that was blown up when Raccoon City first fell.
- A festival run by a wellness site that sells your medical information to the government.
- Elizabeth Holmes’s new company when she finally gets out of all those lawsuits.
- The test-rigging “tutoring” company that Lori Loughlin paid to get her daughters into USC.
So, what sort of charity work will Archewell accomplish? When pressed by CNN, a spokesperson for the couple claimed it will all be revealed “when the time is right.” Interestingly, this is exactly what an evil organization would say shortly before launching cars into space in one of those Fast & Furious movies. Best of luck to the Sussexes on their new endeavor!