You know how people will sometimes ask what you’ve been up to today? And you tell them “nothing,” even though it’s a lie? You definitely did something, and you both know it. But was that something useful? Constructive? Educational? Fuck no!
In honor of the end of daylight savings, here are seven very real ways in which I have squandered the irretrievable hours of my dwindling youth. Please join me by sharing yours in the comments below.
1. Picking the dust out of fan blades, using tweezers. Usually you get just a few motes at a time, but occasionally, they’ll come out pressed into a satisfying little blob. I live for these moments. Some people get high on crack. I prefer the natural high that comes with a well-formed dust package.
2. Trying to pick out a movie on Netflix, but, eventually fatigued with indecision, giving up and watching nothing.
3. Twitter.
4. Finding hip hop choreography to songs I like (usually Pony, but one time, E.T.) and trying to replicate it without raising the suspicion of my downstairs neighbors that I’m committing a very sloppy murder.
5. Washing ALL the brushes!
6. Self-diagnosing myself with diseases I am quite certain I have based on fleeting aches and pains, likely associated with spending so much time hunched over my computer scouring WebMD.
7. Here’s an actual excerpt from a horror story I tried to write and promptly deep-sixed. You’ll see why in a second. I’ll do it in italics, for drama:
“When it rains it turns black, opaque, like a wall of lava rising up and—what? What’s to stop it from continuing up the sandbar, the street, up though the front garden and smashing right through the front window? A black, all encompassing darkness like the inside of a killer’s soul.
I never had nightmares like this in Boston.”
OK your turn!
GET JEZEBEL RIGHT IN YOUR INBOX
Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
