69 Things More Erotic Than The Sydney Leathers Porn Video

Have you seen the Sydney Leathers porn video yet? I have. And it’s only a matter of time before you succumb to your curiosity, too. Just so you’re prepared, here are 69 things more erotic than Sydney Leathers on a couch that isn’t hers, talking about Anthony Weiner and fiddling around with her vagina on camera. Just in case you want to get your rocks off in a more efficient fashion.

1. Broken glass

2. Dan Rather

3. Ramen burgers

4. Half deflated bouncy castles

5. Pork. The word “pork.”

6. That book of tags that H&M sews into the back of all of their underwear that you need a stitch ripper to remove.

7. Chipped nail polish

8. Getting shocked by static electricity every damn time you try to press the elevator button

9. Carrying a bag of garbage down the stairs

10. Sub-crispy apples

11. The fear of calling out the wrong name during sex

12. Turning 30

13. The character of Fredo from The Godfather

14. Getting on a treadmill at the gym and noticing that whoever was on it before dripped salty sweat all over the control panel

15. Banana pudding

16. Not knowing how to pronounce the name of a wine but trying, and then the waiter corrects you and you try to laugh it off but no one else laughs

17. Running into a college classmate and he’s already bald

18. Tiny ants

19. Doll collections owned by adults

20. Black lipstick

21. Belly button rings on men

22. Whimsical face tattoos

23. Getting a block away from your apartment and realizing that you forgot your iPod and considering whether or not it’s worth it to go all the way back and get your iPod

24. Wedge Crocs

25. An Ed Hardy tee shirt used as a grease rag in a garage that serves as a front for a small time pot dealer

26. Going to use the bathroom at work. Pube on floor.

27. Getting measured for a bra

28. A manicurist with a chip on her shoulder

29. Sydney Pleathers, topical drag queen

30. Yogurt 2 days past its expiration date

31. Swimming in a lake and feeling a weed brush your leg right as you’re thinking about eels

32. North Dakota

33. Your prom dress

34. Tears

35. Broken sandals

36. Season 3 of Veronica Mars

37. Underboob chafing. Distance runners know what I’m talking about. 🙁

38. A steakhouse with a racist name

39. Remember how around Y2K it was trendy for a hot second for women to wear super, super low rise jeans and display their bedazzled thongs over the top? That.

40. The New York Times website making you log on a million times

41. The DMV

42. The guy I saw on the train this morning who had one eyeball that was — I swear I’m not kidding — completely black and opaque.

43. Frogs born with more than one face

44. The phrase “I know you are but what am I?”

45. Lambchop’s Play Along

46. “What are we?”

47. The yellow AOL Instant Messenger dude

48. Medical supply stores

49. Puppeteers

50. Boredom

51. Guys named Scott

52. Charlie horses

53. Being out to dinner with two friends and all they want to talk about is a show that you don’t watch

54. Pot that just makes you want to go to sleep

55. Mild stress dreams about cronuts

56. The knowledge that you’ll never get a Scholastic Book Order handed to you at the end of the day again

57. Home Depot

58. Johnny Depp offering to buy Wounded Knee or some shit

59. The last sext you sent, read aloud by Kermit the Frog

60. The number “69”

61. Redneck reality TV

62. A locksmith who hasn’t told his wife about how much he’s dreading this cruise

63. A giant stack of old issues of Popular Mechanics

64. PedEgg ads

65. A coworker instagramming a chat on his computer screen right this second as I’m typing this.

66. The Spam folder

67. Bad stand up comedy

68. Airplane small talk

69. This morning my cat was running around and kind of meowing and my roommate was like, hey, I think your cat has a dingleberry. And, sure enough, my cat had a piece of poop stuck to her. So I had to use toilet paper and relieve my cat’s ass of the shit that was stuck to it. That happens to her sometimes — dingleberries — because she doesn’t have a tail and it’s hard for her to poop. This entire item about my cat pooping is sexier than the Sydney Leathers porn video.

So, yeah. Go ahead and watch it (obviously, obviously NSFW) if you’ve got time to kill. Or just watch reruns of Teen Mom until you climax. Whatever blows your skirt up.