New Study Claims Booze Is Turning Us Into a Bunch of Drunk Fatties

Ma’am, if you could please put down the XXX jug, I’d like to take a moment to discuss what all of this moonshine is doing to you. A recent study by the U.S. government’s Department of No Dur-Doy has recently discovered that adults ingest nearly as many calories from alcohol as they do from soda. No, alcohol is not just fancy water and yes, it does indeed have lots and lots of calories. (Also, the bathtub stuff that you’re drinking will probably make you blind.)

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has just released findings that show the average adult intakes 5% of their daily calories through alcoholic beverages. (Soda accounts for 6% of an average person’s daily calories.) Through interviews with more than 11,000 U.S. adults from 2007 through 2010, researchers discovered that approximately 33.3% of U.S. men and 20% of U.S. women consume alcohol on a daily basis. Averaged out to all adults, the average man consumes 150 calories from alcohol a day with beer being their drink of choice, whereas the average woman consumes roughly 50 calories with no standout favorite beverage. Numbers stayed the same when the study was narrowed down to specific races and ethnicities, but were much higher for young adults than they were for older adults. (The Department of No Dur-Doy confirms.)

Despite the findings, it seems unlikely that New York City, the first major city to limit the retail volume of soda to under 16 ounces, will place similar limitations on alcohol, primarily because alcohol is already illegal for children and a large part of the reasoning behind the NYC soda ban was to fight the childhood obesity epidemic.

Because adults are allowed to make their own choices, the best that can be done is to educate. Piña coladas are not just extra fun health smoothies. Whiskey, though it may put hair on your chest, will also put clogs in your heart. Though drinking a beer is a nice way to end your day, drinking enough of it will turn you into Homer Simpson. You guys know all this, right? Yeah. Okay. Drinks are on me.