I remember how I felt when George W. Bush was reelected in 2004—that pit of absolute unthinkable, desparate despair—and so I guess I should have a little more sympathy for the 150 Million Waaahmbulances of the Apocalypse currently flailing all over Twitter. And, beyond that, I should probably be sad about the overt racism of our conservative youngsters and frightened at the gun-nuttiness of our gun nuts.
However. At least for right now, I AM NOT. I am just 99% completely fucking delighted by every single weepy right-wing temper tantrum. I can't stop hate-reading. I can't stop. And you know what? I don't need to stop. It's not like this was some arbitrary election for Homecoming Court—where we were choosing between Mitt Romney's totally on-trend bangs and Barack Obama's ability to pull off a structured blazer. The party that my team defeated on Tuesday was a nebulous, fiscally disastrous pitchfork mob—united by racism, xenophobia, self-interest, willful ignorance, hatred of the poor, and a puritanical desire to deny my gay friends their civil rights and me, PERSONALLY, equal access to health care and basic humanity. That's about as ungracious as it gets. So fuck being gracious.
Maybe in a few weeks I'll be ready to aim higher. To aim for class. But right now:
1. I Am Seceding from Society and Living in a Bunker!!!
Man. This guy:
Starting early this morning, I am going to un-friend every single individual on Facebook who voted for Obama, or I even suspect may have Democrat leanings. I will do the same in person. All family and friends, even close family and friends, who I know to be Democrats are hereby dead to me. I vow never to speak to them again for the rest of my life, or have any communications with them. They are in short, the enemies of liberty. They deserve nothing less than hatred and utter contempt.
I strongly urge all other libertarians to do the same. Are you married to someone who voted for Obama, have a girlfriend who voted 'O'. Divorce them. Break up with them without haste. Vow not to attend family functions, Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas for example, if there will be any family members in attendance who are Democrats.
Do you work for someone who voted for Obama? Quit your job. Co-workers who voted for Obama. Simply don't talk to them in the workplace, unless your boss instructs you too for work-related only purposes. Have clients who voted Democrat? Call them up this morning and tell them to take their business elsewhere.
PLEASE NO. PLEASE DON'T PUNISH LIBERAL AMERICA BY HIDING IN A HOLE AND NEVER TALKING. PLEEEEEEEEEASE WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
2. I Am Moving to a Capitalist Paradise Such as England, Canada, or Australia!!!
Free Republic sent the actual queen a letter via owl post:
We, the people of the former American colonies, would like to offer our most sincere apology over that little misunderstanding we had 236 years ago. Had we known that we were going to be subjects anyway, we could have saved a lot of trouble and hard feelings.
We were under the mistaken belief that we would be free, sovereign citizens; we believed that our hard work would yield its own rewards without someone coming along and taking what we built in the name of "Fairness". We thought our laws and Constitution would protect us from a foreign born dictator, and our freedom to worship would prevent us from becoming a corrupt, morally bankrupt society (silly us).
Little did we know that our own free press would intentionally sabotage, deceive and withhold the truth from us in order to reelect a Socialist that still holds distain for our nation and contempt for its founding principles. Nor did we believe that there would be so many citizens dependent on government handouts that they would blindly elect an unqualified charlatan, let alone reelect him.
Anyway, Your Grace, we are truly sorry and humbly sincerely beg your forgiveness. If you can find it in your heart to forgive us and take us back, we promise never to trade British oppression for Socialist tyranny again.
Your most humble servants,
The American People
Yes. Enjoy your socialized medicine, human genius.
3. Liberals Are Literally Monsters.
Yes. I'm sure all the sleepy grannies and the 19-year-old PoliSci majors volunteering at the polls for college credit were simply chilling.
4. Liberals Only Won Because They Love Free Stuff.
When I'm at the Wal-mart or grocery story I typically pay with my debit card. On the pad it comes up, "EBT, Debit, Credit, Cash." I make it a point to say loudly to the check-out clerk, "EBT, what is that for?" She inevitably says, "it's government assistance." I respond, "Oh, you mean welfare? Great. I work for a living. I'm paying for my food with my own hard-earned dollars. And other people get their food for free." And I look around with disgust, making sure others in line have heard me.
Dudes, if you're going to yell at me for being a fat moocher who loves free stuff, can I at least get some free stuff? Currently on my wish list: L-shaped sofa, a couple new bras, snacks. Get on it, Hitler-Prez.
5. AMERICA COMMITTED SUICIDE RIP AMERICA RIP WE'RE ALL DEAD NOW GOOD THING THEY HAVE INTERNET IN HEAVEN.
Via, uh, whatever this is:
Every group created and expanded over time & routinely, thanks to this Federal Government & it's various entitlement departments and agencies, as we have stated, became the end result that decided our end.
America, as a consequence, WILL NEVER EVER AGAIN BE THE SAME.
It will now accelerate its Downhill Slide into oblivion.
...Obama won simply because those States that emulated the Federal Demagoguery of entitlement, provided the impetus that carried this ‘man' to yet another ominous term in which his lies and transgressions will be realized.
The blind and decapitated in this Country are clearly running it.
And here's a story from a right-wing "satirical" website (because write what you know, guys! Comedy is your calling!) about the mass suicide of the entire nation at the hands of our charismatic leader "Barack Jonesbama"—illustrated with actual photographs of the actual human beings who actually tragically died in Jonestown!
Amos said that although most of the former United States took its life willingly, duped into drinking a tainted mix of Hope, Change and Forward, it appeared others had to been forced to drink the grape-flavored substance, which was actually laced with lethal amounts of cyanide. As for the President and Reverend Barack Jonesbama (aka the "Great One" or "Chocolate Jesus", the charismatic cult leader who had so skillfully led the nation to believe a magical, egalitarian Utopia was possible because he studied it in college), he was found dead, too; victim to cyanide, as well, which he had apparently laced his crystal champagne glass of Revenge with. Reportedly found next to President Rev. Jonesbama were his wife, Eva Michelle Obraun, his favorite set of titanium golf clubs, and the skeletal remains of what is believed to be his dog, Bo, seemingly having taken its life years before rather than enduring his master's bullshit.
6. Everyone Is Sluts!!!!!
Beef-jerky-with-a-wig-on-it Ted Nugent had this to say on his twitter feed:
Goodluk America u just voted for economic & spiritual suicide. Soulless fools.
Pimps whores & welfare brats & their soulless supporters hav a president to destroy America.
So Obama still demands the hardest workers provide for the nonwotkers. Shared opportunitiesmy *ss.
What subhuman varmint believes others must pay for their obesity booze cellphones birthcontrol abortions & lives.
Haha u wish you shriveled old goblin.
7. But Mitt Romney Is the REAL Winner Because Chocolate Milk.
The morning after the election, as conservatives everywhere were still trying to come to terms with the reality of another four years of President Barack Obama, the now former GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney was busy being a dad, husband and grandfather. A winner.
...The Romney clan can be seen drinking a gallon of chocolate milk.
Actually, I can relate. Chocolate milk is delicious ON BOTH SIDES OF THE AISLE.
8. Olds be oldin'.
On the radio of the 1940s there was a show called "The Shadow" about a man with the "power to cloud men's minds" who used it to fight crime, but Obama developed the power to so utterly charm people that, like any successful confidence man, he left people impressed with all the exterior aspects of him without few clues about what he stood for, what he believed, and what his true goals are.
9. I AM AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC EGG AND THIS IS MY REALLY GOOD CONSPIRACY THEORY.
Via da Krove:
ROVE: I think the Republicans lost in this election because of two things. One is that the Obama campaign was very effective in keeping roughly 92 percent of the people who voted for President Obama before to vote for him again. But they didn't do a good job of growing the electorate…The Democrats, the the only group that they got more votes this time around than they got four years ago were among Latinos. About 700,000 more Latinos voted Democratic this year than the year before. But the president succeed by suppressing the vote, by saying to people, ‘you may not like who I am and I know you can't bring yourself to vote for me, but I'm going to paint this other guy as simply a rich guy who only cares about himself.'
Soooooooo...the president rigged the election by...getting people to vote for him? 'KAY.
10. A-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boooooooo. Bla-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloogh-bloogh-bloooooooogh.
Image by Jim Cooke