Everyone Pees, but Only Men Pee Crooked According to a New Book About Urine

We receive a near-constant stream public relations material, most it ignorable, some of it pertinent, and an even smaller percentage of it, on rare and delightful occasions, so goofily irrelevant that it’s worth sharing. Like this: Men Don’t Pee Straight: And Other Things You Should Know About Us, which is a book that now exists in the world. It’s just here now — there’s nothing you can do about it except let its uric words wash over you. Or avoid it altogether.

If you think that Men Don’t Pee Straight is a book by a candid urologist who’s fielded a few too many anxious questions from people who’ve seen Me, Myself & Irene and now exist in a constant state of paranoia, you’re wrong and clearly know very little about metaphors. Men Don’t Pee Straight is a metaphor, you guys, crafted by author, philosophy minor, and pilot Rick Dean to explain how men pee all over everything. Metaphorically. Let Rick explain it:

Frank and humorous, this tongue-in-cheek volume is unafraid to show what men do best and what they do worst. Dean was inspired to write down his comedic observations after looking at his life. He realized that in his actions and habits, he fulfilled most of the negative preconceptions others have about men. So the author embraced his boorish manliness and waved a proud flag of defiance.

Rick is a man, okay? He knows this, this he knows. Being a man, with all its manly implications, is like peeing crooked — it’s just a fact of nature. Far be it from Rick, a man, to try and correct his masculinity and, you know, maybe correct his aim at the toilet bowl if he senses that a crooked pee (read: “boorish manliness”) is rocketing through his urethra like a bolt of lightning — Rick is going to stand tall, like a man, and pee all over the pile of AOPA back issues that have accumulated around his commode.

If you’re having trouble untangling the Gordian mystery that is THE MAN in your life, fret no more because Rick Dean is going to offer you a great deal of insight. Ready? Men are the worst. For real. In Rick’s estimation, they are intransigently insensitive, because that is how Rick is and Rick is all men. Not only will he tell you about men — because, really, that’s only half the stories amirite laaaaayyydeeeez?? — but Rick Dean will also tell you all about women, based on what Rick Dean has observed, overheard, or read about women on the internet:

“Men Don’t Pee Straight” is chocked full of habits, quirks and tics about men that you have always known but cared not to understand or fully accept. Many patient mothers, girlfriends and wives hope their man’s oddities will simply change at some point. This book confirms that deep inside, men never will.

Dean is unafraid to expose his own ineptness at cultivating long-lasting romances with the fairer sex. After blundering through one relationship after another, he has come to a profound and moving understanding of how not to keep a girlfriend happy. So he shares his insights into women, or at least what guys like Dean claim to know about ladies.

To find out what Rick Dean knows about women, however, you’ll have to buy the book, strap on your reading galoshes, and wade into that Freudian swamp all by yourself. Don’t worry, though — the water is warm (because Rick Dean peed in it).