New Fancy Yogurt Cafe Makes Me Feel So Many Things

It was only a matter of time before our nation’s irritating obsession with yogurt led to this: the new Chobani SoHo cafe, which has apparently quite successfully turned yogurt into a desirable designer product. “Pretty young things who like the white stuff have flocked there to gobble down fancifully topped, $4.25 bowls of Greek yogurt with the same gusto Hamptonites guzzled the summer’s last supply of rosé,” the New York Post reports.

This is real life, not an Onion article. This place actually exists — as a matter of fact, it’s located just a few blocks away from where I sit typing to you right now. How do I feel?

I feel angry: $4.25 for a bowl of bacterial fermentation? Tourists who, according to the Post, are stopping by the shop four times within two days? For god’s sake, traveler, get yourself a bagel!

I feel afraid: It’s only a matter of time before men, influenced by the pervasive notion that ladies practically orgasm upon the sight of the tangy white stuff, start asking women out on dates to the fancy yogurt store. Also, the Post interviewed a 29-year-old “handsome art director at a nearby advertising agency” who thinks it’s “amazing” that you can watch in-house “yogurt masters” sprinkle fruit and nuts on yogurt. Adam has clearly never been to a frozen yogurt shop. Or a kitchen. Does the rise of the yogurt cafe mean the end of romance? I think so.

I feel confused: I mean, I regularly pay $4+ bucks for coffee and gourmet ice cream. Is yogurt any different? No one ever said Chobani was the food of hoi polloi.

I feel inspired: If this whole writing thing doesn’t work out, I can totally start a gourmet cereal shop! Or a gourmet toast shop! A gourmet microwave popcorn shop? The possibilities are endless.

I feel…hungry? Some of these “yogurt creations” sound delicious, particularly the cucumber one: creamy plain chobani, fresh cucumber, and sea salt, sprinkled with fresh mint and served with pita chips. Fuck.