Mitt Romney Is Actually a Heartthrob Superhero, You Guys

Now that voters are losing confidence in Mitt Romney the Brilliant Businessman and Mitt Romney the Tough Statesman, the campaign can’t exactly fall back on the old “he’s nice!” trope — “nice” is hardly enough to excite voters enough to get them queueing up for the voting booth in the same numbers they queued up for Chick fil A Appreciation Day. So the campaign has enlisted a new strategy: tell grand legendary tales about the heroic soul largesse of their candidate, hoping that characterizing him as a combination of The Most Interesting Man in the World, Chuck Norris, Paul Bunyan, and Jesus can help people forget all that other, shitty stuff he’s done and said. Are you ready for some LEGENDS OF MITT ROMNEY?

The latest effort to encourage America, Cool as Ice style, to Drop the Obama Zee-ro and Get wit da Romney Hee-ro is spearheaded by a slobbering piece from Townhall, which is quickly becoming my new favorite go-to spot for hilarious hatereads. 7 Incredible Personal Stories About Mitt Romney That You May Not Know promises overblown tales of basic human decency dressed as heroism, and boy does it deliver.

Over the last few months, it has been absolutely stunning to see Mitt Romney, of all people, portrayed as some sort of greedy, ruthless, unfeeling corporate raider who plows over everyone who gets in his way so he can make a few dollars more. Of all the criticisms you could aim at Mitt Romney, there is none that has less validity than that one. In fact, the vast majority of people who read this column — whether they’re liberal, conservative, or moderate — probably don’t personally know a single person who has proven to be more generous and compassionate than Mitt Romney. Yes, really. It’s okay if you’re skeptical — but, you won’t be after you finish reading this column.

Excuse me, ma’am, do you have a few moments to talk about Mitt Romney? Did you know He loves you very much? Would you be willing to pray with me today and open your heart to Mitt Romney? Did you know that Mitt Romney is a large charitable organization that helps poor people? Did you know that the only way to salvation is through Mitt Romney?

Just to save you the click over to the whole story, here are some of the seven things Mitt Romney did that will totally revolutionize the way you think about Mitt Romney: the time his corporate partner’s 14-year-old daughter disappeared after a rave in New York City and he flew from Boston to search for her, only to have someone on the task force he assembled find her in a house in New Jersey recovering from taking a shitload of ecstasy (“Romney, through his efforts, had saved the girl’s life.”), the time his friends and their dog were in a boat that capsized on a New Hampshire lake and Mitt Romney and his sons didn’t just stand there and watch them try to get to shore (“Mitt Romney saw people in trouble and he didn’t wait for the government to save them, he made a REAL gutsy call, and did what he had to do to save their lives.”), and another time when he volunteered at his church (“What do you think the chances are that the current occupant of the White House would voluntarily shovel snow and rake leaves for the elderly without any television cameras around?”)

But here are more Mitt Romney legends that his crushing humility, which “has kept him from hammering home stories like this in every swing state,” has prevented the suddenly shy hero Romney from sharing. For the first time, we’re publishing them here. Because we just want you to know Mitt Romney the person.

• Mitt Romney was reading in his study one day when he heard a thump. A baby bird had flown into his giant plate glass window and had broken its neck. Mitt Romney closed the curtain so he wouldn’t have to look at it. What if America had a President that was willing to protect our children from the ugly cruelty of the world?
• One day many, many years ago, Mitt Romney’s eldest son, who was 5 at the time, approached him asking for a hug. Rather than ignoring the small child’s request for affection that Romney didn’t have time to give, the busy millionaire bent down and patted the boy on the head. That’s the kind of compassion America needs.
• Several years ago, Mitt Romney met a young man who was a homosexual. Mitt Romney did not stone him. The restraint he showed proves that he’s the man to turn this country around.
• Mitt Romney, who is very wealthy, sometimes writes checks to members of his church who need help. The checks always clear, because Mitt Romney has excellent handwriting. Romney/Ryan: the penmanship America needs.
• The former Governor of Massachusetts obeys traffic laws. Unlike certain Presidents who have, in the past, made rolling stops at non-busy intersections in the Hyde Park neighborhood in Chicago. What else is the President hiding?
• Mitt Romney is a devout member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and, as mandated by the Church, he gives a certain percentage of his earnings every year to the Church, which the Church sometimes uses in efforts to fight the legalization of gay marriage in states like California. Money: we like it.
• An elderly woman entered a building that didn’t have automatic doors slightly after Mitt Romney. Rather than rush off to his very important business meeting like CERTAIN PRESIDENTS MIGHT, he stopped to hold the door open so it would slam shut and knock her over. Then, after he got through the lobby and into the elevator, he realized that she was also heading toward the elevator. He thought about hitting the “door close” button so he didn’t have to share an elevator with a lady with a walker that had tennis balls on the ends, but then he realized that those buttons usually don’t work, and he didn’t want to be embarrassed if she saw him punching the button like some kind of jerk. So he held the elevator for her. Compassion. Romney’s got it.
• When Mitt Romney’s friends suffer tragic losses, he almost always sends a really nice card. Even if they’re lazy freeloaders who don’t pay any income taxes at all.
• [Romney Blog]