Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which yours truly bravely ventures to the newsstand and spends actual American currency buying In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Robert Pattinson is running in slow-mo through the fields behind Reese Witherspoon's ranch house, sobbing as he goes; Jennifer Aniston's face is puffy, so she's either playing a hooker in a movie or pregnant; and Casper Smart, the 25-year-old backup dancer currently playing the part of Jennifer Lopez's boyfriend was seen patronizing an establishment specializing in orgasm assistance.
"Shocking Baby News!
You want to know what's shocking? That teenage girls who had unprotected sex are on the cover of a magazine that is an epic waste of paper.
Grade: F (worthless)
Life & Style
Kristen Stewart "ruined the perfect romance" and Robert Pattinson is "a shattered man." He is also "heartbroken" and drinking a lot. The only quote from Rob in this story is an old one, from April, where he says: "There's a thing I've never got. That is, why do people cheat?" There's also a quote from Rupert Sanders, from May, when he said: "Kristen's vivacious and rebellious and naughty!" Anyway. Not a lot of new info here, so let's move on: Jennifer Lopez was "betrayed on her birthday." Her boyfriend Casper Smart was spotted enterting a "seedy store that advertises peep shows and massages." Although his rep denies it, the mag has pix of Casper outside the spot. A source says he went inside and stayed for 10 minutes and came out empty handed — he wasn't shopping. (Fig. 1) Next, a story about how Katie Holmes is "struggling" as a single mom also includes the information that Suri's school casts $40,000 a year. Finally, a piece about Jessica Simpson blares that she's dropped 35 pounds… but the photo used to show her 60 lbs heavier is from when she was pregnant.
Grade: D (worth a penny)
"J. Lo Betrayed!"
One day before Jennifer Lopez's 43rd birthday, Casper Smart was spotted on a "sleazy block" In Hell's Kitchen, where he entered a building and went upstairs to "an appointment-only exotic massage parlor." An intrepid reporter spoke to a Korean "massage worker" named Bibi, who says: "I saw Jennifer's boyfriend." Bibi claims he was "in a big hurry" and was in the establishment fewer than 10 minutes. "He is a nice man. He has strong muscles," Bibi adds. Apparently Casper claims he was on the block to get a tattoo on his finger, but In Touch points out that he's had his fingers tattooed since May, which makes him "caught in a lie." (Fig 2) In Robsten news the copy here explains that when Kristen found out the photographer had shot pictures of her with Rupert Sanders, she begged the paparazzo to discuss things with her: "Please, please, please talk to me. We can talk about this," she said, according to an eyewitness, who we will assume is said photographer. Anyway, Rob's publicist found out that the pictures were being published and called Rob. Then Rob confronted Kristen, who told him it was a onetime thing and it was Rupert's fault because he was so much older. Rob was devastated. He wanted to marry Kristen, now he refuses to take her calls. And! More stuff: A source on the set of Snow White and The Huntsman claims that Kristen was "constantly texting" director Rupert Sanders while she was getting her hair and makeup done. "It was hundreds of texts a day. She was obsessed." KStew and Rpatz are scheduled to appear together at the MTV Video Music Awards on September 6, and then they're expected to promote Twilight: Breaking Hymen Part Dos after that. No one knows what will happen! GAH! Moving on: Kim is "under Kanye's control." She gets his clothes ready, makes him breakfast and schedules massages for both of them. And she loves it! "She enjoys doting on him," a source claims. Snooki wants you to know that she will be giving birth in heels. It costs $49K a month to look like Kim Kardashian but only $21K to look like Jennifer Aniston. And a mere $14K monthly to be Kate Middleton. (Fig. 3, Fig. 4)
Grade: B- (worth twenty-five cents)
"Rob Walks Out."
Sparkly vampire Robert Pattinson has been jogging through the lavender-scented meadows, past the pool and by the horse paddocks around Reese Witherspoon's 7-acre compound in Ojai, CA. The story here claims that Rob read about Kristen Stewart's "I love him, I love him" statement online — and is livid that she did that and he was the last one to know about it. Rob isn't drowning his tears in booze — "he only drinks when he's happy," a source swears — but he has taken up smoking again. He ditched his electronic ciggie for the real thing. Meanwhile, Kristen is at her parents' house in the San Fernando Valley, and is "inconsolable." A source claims: "She's dying to save the relationship. It's the only thing she cares about." Apparently folks on the set of Snow White could tell that Rupert Sanders was obsessed with Kristen; he would stare at her, and once, when they were talking, he tucked her hair behind her ear. The big question is: Why is Kristen so self-destructive? "It's almost like she wanted the public to hate her more," says someone I kind of agree with. In the immortal words of the Beastie Boys: Listen all of y'all, it's a sabotage. The only other thing of note in this issue? Bow down to Hair Icon Kingston Rossdale and his awesome, awesome hair (Fig. 5).
Grade: B (worth 40¢)
"J.Lo Betrayed On Her Birthday!"
This mag has the same pictures as the others: Casper Smart stood outside of a XXX peep show establishment and then went in. A fearless reporter went inside and found that it was a "gay cruising spot." The reporting is AH MAY ZING:
[There are] eight "buddy booths" lined up along the back wall. Inside each booth was a coin-operated video screen, a foldout chair with exam table paper on the seat, and two waist-high holes in the wall leading to the booth next to it.
…Our reporter was accosted by a man in the booth next door, In no uncertain terms, he offered to share a "really big" part of himself through the hole in the wall. When our reporter declined, the anonymous, invisible man apologized, even bidding our reporter to "take care, buddy."
Star reporters: Hanging out at glory holes for YOU, dear readers. Also inside: Jon Gosselin is broke and can't pay his rent. Jessica Simpson is frustrated with diet and exercise and is looking into lipodissolve, tummy tuck and liposuction. Blind items! I spy Sarah Palin, unsure about the others. Any guesses? (Fig. 6) The folks from that model search show The Face are kinda surprised by how nice Naomi Campbell is. In fact, producers were expecting her to be a bitch, making people cry — thereby creating some drama for the show as a "Simon" type. She's so nice that they're worried she is too nice for TV. Ashton Kutcher is madly in love with Mila Kunis, and begging her to have his baby. There are three possible answers to the question "What Happened To Jen's Face?" First: She is playing a "dowdy prostitute" in a new movie. Second, according to a doctor who has not treated her, she got some wrinkle-smoothing injectables and "she seems over filled." Third? OMG PREGNANT AT LAST. (Fig. 7) Last, but certainly not least: Is Kristen Stewart pregnant? Maybe! She missed her period, says a friend who knows these things and may, in fact, be a neglected tampon. She doesn't know who the father is, but, as the last line in the article tells us, "She's praying like crazy that it's a false alarm."
Grade: B+ (worth a dollar)
Fig. 1, from Life & Style
Fig. 2, from In Touch
Fig. 3, from In Touch
Fig. 4, from In Touch
Fig. 5, from Us
Fig. 6, from Star
Fig. 7, from Star