Florida Lieutenant Governor Says She Couldn't Possibly Be a Lesbian Because She Doesn't Look Like One

Here’s a fun, Everybody Is The Terrible One Here story from Florida, the humid home of Epcot murders, nutria barbecues, and bronzed retirees who permanently smell like the insides of tanning beds. The state’s Republican Lieutenant Governor Jennifer Carroll accused an ex-aide of illegally leaking information to the media, and in response, the ex-employee is now claiming that she was fired after she caught her boss in “a compromising position” with another female aide. The African American Republican leader has fired back, claiming in a so-bad-you-almost-need-to-cover-your-eyes statement that there’s no way that she could possibly be a lesbian, because she doesn’t look like one. So, a woman who does not look like a conservative politician is now defending herself against really sketchy sounding charges by saying that she doesn’t look like a lesbian. Oy.

The whole thing sounds terribly sordid, even for Florida (enjoying your vacation from being The Get A Loada These Idiots! state, Arizona?), but here’s a Cliff’s Notes version. Former Carroll staffer Carletha Cole was fired from the Lieutenant Governor’s office last fall. Carroll says the firing was the result of illegal sharing of information with the press, but in a complaint filed in court last week, Cole says she was fired after walking in on Carroll having hot lesbian something with her travel aide, Beatriz Ramos. Carroll remained mum about the charges for a few days, but then on Friday started talking to the press. And saying just about the wrongest thing she could have said.

My husband doesn’t want to hear that. He knows the type of woman I am for 29 years. I’m the one that’s married for 29 years. The accuser is the one that’s single for a long time. Usually black women that look like me don’t engage in relationships like that.

Does Jennifer Carroll think that black lesbians all look like Janelle Monae? Because Monae herself has come out as androidsexual.

Get out your Awful Things To Say Bingo Cards and go right ahead and put a chip on the “Single bitch is just jealous of my awesome husband and life,” “Lesbians all look the same,” and “Marriage proves that I am moral and just” icons. Also, put a chip on the “Accuse someone of being a lesbian like it’s an insult” card, because the crap is flying from both sides, folks.

For Carroll’s part, the whole to-do threatens to derail a promising political career with what sounds like a pretty suspect distraction. The Trinidadian-born politician is a rising star in the Tea Party and was slated to feature prominently in the Republican National Convention next month.