The Royal Wedding Live: Minute By Breathtaking Minute

Good morning! Or, perhaps, if you have stayed up all night, good evening! Following a brief and glorious engagement, the wedding day of Prince William and Kate Catherine Middleton has arrived. We’re watching NBC, and we have an Authentic British Person™ chiming in from time to time. Pour yourself a cup of tea and join us, won’t you?

4:20 am
As I turned on the TV I almost immediately saw David and Victoria Beckham. Posh’s hat looks like it could kill a man; David looks stoned.

4:28 am
Prince William’s uncle, Prince Edward, could have been called the Duke of Clarence, but decided not to, since the last Duke of Clarence “died early in mysterious circumstances.”

4:31 am
There has been a Mr. Bean sighting. Rowan Atkinson and Prince Charles are friends, apparently.

4:34 am
A woman in a huge hat was seen entering Kate Middleton’s hotel this morning, and the insiders talking to Matt and Meredith suspect it is Sarah Burton of Alexander McQueen. If Kate actually wears McQueen, the fashion world — and McQueen fans, myself included — are gonna freak out.

4:46 am
Elton John and David Furnish are in the house!

4:57
I have been supplied a better picture of the Beckhams. Gorge!

5:04
There was an awkward moment when Matt Lauer was talking about how, if Kate and William have a girl, she would not be in line for the throne if they later had a boy. He would jump over her, because men do that or something. Matt questioned why, with so much equality in the UK… The Brit on the panel said, “We’ve had these rules for over a thousand years, they don’t need changing, thank you.” Ahem.

5:08
This is Princess Diana’s brother, folks.

5:13
Prince William and Prince Harry are leaving the palace in a Bentley. Uniforms!

The brothers were seen saluting inside the car as they passed something important. Also, if you like horses, there are horses everywhere!

5:19
My, what handsome brothers. Seriously.

5:21
Harry is a dreamboat. Ropes are sexy.

The trees in the abbey are beautiful, but wouldn’t it be funny if a squirrel popped out?

5:26
Now we have a car with Kate Middleton’s mother and brother inside.

5:29
“There’s no shame in riding in one of those buses.”

5:32
Kate’s mother is quite pretty, in pale blue. Kate’s brother has cheekbones you could slice a ham on.

James Middleton is 24 and has a cake business? Is that a euphemism?

5:35
“Beatrice and Eugenie will be wearing Jimmy Choos.” Really important info.

Notable quotable: “good ordinary girls from good stock.”

Our on-call Actual British Person™ says: “Apparently we love the queen because she symbolizes commitment and duty rather than entitlement and riches.”

5:40
HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN.

Her majesty is wearing yellow.

Actual British Person™: “Shouldn’t she be wearing her crown?”

5:44
Prince Charles and Camilla are entering Westminster. Charles has quite a few medals. Those uniforms must be heavy.

Actual British Person™: “I do think it takes some chutzpah to wear these pseudo-military uniforms when they’ve clearly not seen much service.”

Apparently on TLC, a commentator said that Camilla looks “big” in her dress. Rude.

5:47
The queen wore bright yellow so that she can be picked out in a crowd.

Pippa has her hair down, “could it be a sign?”

Her Majesty’s brooch is a “true lover’s knot” or something.

THE BRIDE!!!

5:52
Here’s what we know: The dress has a lot of lace, and Kate is, indeed, wearing a veil. Sorry: Catherine. Now she is waving as the car pulls away from the hotel.

TLC is saying the dress is McQueen. And Catherine is wearing a tiara. TIARA!

Apparently the bridesmaids are wearing McQueen? The little boys in red uniforms are adorable.

5:57
There will be two three-year-olds in this wedding. Will there be hijinks?

BTW, our Actual Brit™ just saw Pippa, and he said: “PIP PIP CHEERIO! She’s fit!”

5:59
If Catherine is wearing the Cambridge tiara, it could mean she is becoming the Duchess of Cambridge. I dunno what that means, but it sounds nice.

6:00
The sun is coming out as the bride is arriving. MAGIC.

The dress is Sarah Burton!

It’s official, you guys: McQueen at the wedding.

6:04
Pippa is wearing Temperley.
Catherine is so pretty!
Harry is bow-legged?

6:07
Actual Brit™ says, “Good turnout, though.”

What did Harry just whisper to William? He totally turned around, looked at Kate, and then said something sotto voce.

It’s so obvious that William and Catherine crack each other up. He’s always saying stuff that makes her grin and vice versa. AM I GETTING MUSHY?

6:10
Is there going to be a lot of praying? I hope not. Jesus.

Clearly no one knows this hymn.

Camilla looks vaguely embarrassed.

6:13
“Wantonly.” Is this guy really going to tell us why people get married?

6:14Can any man show any just cause why these two should not be together? Hell no! They are adorbs. What is this “dreadful day of judgment” that is coming? Should I be worried? I’m a heathen.

6:16
“For richer for poorer” yeah right.

They both look like they want to burst out laughing. I like that in a royal.

RING TROUBLE!!!!!

6:21
They are wed! You could hear the crowd cheer outside, and Kate smiled a little.
Also, that dress makes her waist look TINY.

My new band is going to be called Beatrice’s Hat.

If only Elton John had worn glitter glasses. Or platform boots.

6:25
Helloooooo James Middleton.
His mole is talking to me.
It says, yeah, that’s right. We’re sneakily hot. It creeps up on you, slowly. Later you’ll be thinking about these cheekbones, and these eyes.

6:28
I am being told that Diane Sawyer claims that William said “You look beautiful” when Kate first got up to the altar. As he should!

I think the singing is so you don’t feel like you’ve come all this way for a 3 minute ceremony.

6:33
“In a sense every wedding is a royal wedding.” But not everyone can wear crown jewels and McQueen.

6:36

Guys, caption this photo. Please. I do believe this is the only black person I have seen so far.

I just remembered, I don’t like church.

6:42
Tracie made me this gif of William winking at his father-in-law.

Okay, I did just see some black people. And some ghutras!

My brother sent me Royal Wedding cookies, BTW. I just ate a heart and Big Ben and I have my eye on the horse.

I am so into Beatrice’s hat! So is the guy behind her.

Apparently when William winked at Kate’s father, he said, “It was supposed to be just a small family affair.”

7:02
I am sad that we’re back with Matt Lauer again, I liked just listening to the ceremony.

We’re supposed to be excited that the carriage doesn’t have any gold on it.

EYEROLL.

7:08
Exeunt the royal couple, pursued by a bear.

7:10
Okay, now is when it gets all Disney movie. Carriage! White horses! Someone cue the bluebirds and forest creatures.

“One of the footmen is actually a bodyguard, disguised as a footman.” Um, do you think it’s the one that’s 2x as big as the other?

7:15
MOAR HORSES.

7:17
Catherine is in the carriage, looking down, and for a moment, it looked like she might be texting, but that can’t be possible, can it.

London definitely looks spotless!

7:25
The carriage is entering Buckingham Palace. I don’t think we’ll see them again until the kiss.

MOAR HORSES.

Catherine is wearing the Cartier Halo Tiara. I liked the Strathmore, but the one she ended up with is lovely.

According to Ok! UK:

The ‘halo’ tiara was made by Cartier in 1936 and was purchased by The Duke of York (later King George VI) for his Duchess (later Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother) three weeks before he succeeded his brother as King. The tiara was presented to Princess Elizabeth (now The Queen) by her mother on the occasion of her 18th birthday.

Over on ABC, the anchors were taking cameraphone pictures and video, haha.

Okay guys, that’s it for this portion of the program, but there will be a clip of the kiss, later on. Thanks for joining me!