This Week In Tabloids: Christina Aguilera Is A Mean, Nasty Lush

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we “read” the weekly tabloids so you don’t have to. This week: Jennifer Aniston gets a much-needed Unsolicited Uterus Update; Brad and Angie are fighting over Park Place and the Boardwalk; and Christina Aguilera is an out-of-control oenophiliac.

Ok!
“A Baby On My Own!”
Jennifer Aniston’s “confidant” says: “It’s a done deal. She wants to be a mom and couldn’t be happier about it.” There’s no confirmation of how when or where Aniston will get a baby, but she recently consulted with a fertility doctor as a kind of “insurance plan.” A “friend” says: “She’s desperate for a baby, but not desperate enough to use an anonymous sperm donor.” Hasn’t she seen The Kids Are All Right? The jizzlicious baby batter could be from Hottie McHotterson Mark Ruffalo! Apparently Jen’s new haircut is a sign that she’s ready to get preg: “She’s breaking out of the Jennifer Aniston mold. She had the same haircut for so long; it almost felt like it was trapping her.” And her uterus! Next: Teen Mom‘s Jenelle is “adamant” about pursuing her dream to be in the movie business and moving to New York or L.A. Lastly, Kim Kardashian might relocate to NYC for reals! She’s been looking at apartments in Chelsea. Brace yourselves.
Grade: F (grape juice from concentrate)

Life & Style
“I’m Losing My Mind.”
Charlie Sheen tells the mag: “I’m really starting to lose my mind. I’m ready to call anyone to help.” And: “I’m really trying to contain myself right now. My lawyer wants to come over and take the bullets out of my gun.” Chuckles’ friend Eric Braun confirms, “There are just three options: Rehab, jail or death.” There’s a handy sidebar revealing how Charlie spent $17 million in 4 months, if you’re interested (see Fig. 1). Moving on. The rumor re: The Bachelor is: He’s going to pick Emily. Dude says: “I’m very much in love. I would love to have children with this woman. so if this works out, all I want to do is start a family, move forward, and have fun with her while doing it.” Dancing With The Stars is basically a weight loss show now. Kirstie Alley and Wendy Williams are talking about how much they’re going to lose, and, you will find this simply shocking, but so is Kendra! She’s apparently concerned about her pregnancy weight. The Christina Aguilera “Refuses To Get Help” story here begins: “Looking at the concerned faces of those nearest and dearest to her, Christina Aguilera could feel her anger growing. As one of them began to tell the singer that they wanted to talk to her about her drinking and partying, she snapped, ‘This isn’t happening — and if it is, you’re all fired.” Basically, Christina’s peeps want her to get help (sure sounds like an intervention) but their jobs are on the line. Here is a quote from Mariah Carey regarding her baby shower: “I’d never been to a baby shower. This was my first one — it was so festive!” Well, shit. If she ever goes to one where bibs are merely clothespinned to diaper baskets and there are no thousand dollar stuffed giraffes, she will be sorely disappointed. Gerard Butler is hooking up with model Selita Ebanks, which sounds hot, like pay-to-watch-them-have-sex hot. And lastly, Brad and Angelina were spotted playing a “fast-paced game of Monopoly” in a bar at the Roosevelt Hotel in Los Angeles. Monopoly is a slow-ass game, so Brad and Angie must have their own awesome version with totally awesome rules.
Grade: D- (old, open jug of warm strawberry wine)

In Touch
“Wedding Joy! Divorce Drama!”
Kailyn from Teen Mom has been shopping for engagement rings with her new boyfriend, but he hasn’t actually proposed yet. That’s the “wedding joy.” The “divorce drama” comes from Leah, who has been contemplating divorce. And that’s that that. Oh, wait, you know Chelsea, the one with the verbally abusive boyfriend? Her man just completed a stint in the Minnehaha County Jail in Sioux Falls. Congrats all around. Benjamin “Millipede” Millepied’s career is “taking off,” and he wants to be in New York and LA for a few years, to work. But Natalie Portman doesn’t want to raise their child around the film industry, and would like to move to Paris. The Brad and Angie story here is all about how Brad Pitt is “seeing red” after Angelina Jolie “once again dropped everything to travel halfway around the world.” In this case, Kabul, Afghanistan. Brad’s all pissy cuz he had to change his movie schedule by a week. But Angie had a good excuse! As the copy reads, “The Libyan crisis pushed up her schedule.” Ashlee Simpson-Wentz has been seeing Craig Owens from the band D.R.U.G.S., which just released its first album on — DUN DUN DUN — Pete Wentz’s record label. The mag has three pix of Ashlee and Craig hanging out together, and apparently they were seen holding hands at the Beverly Center Mall, and they even kissed on the lips. (There’s a lot of teenage behavior in the tabloids this week.) But Ash & Owen better watch out. A family “friend” says Ashlee’s dad Joe is “looking for a professional athlete for his little girl to date.” Christina Aguilera’s been drinking alone, pouring herself a glass of wine or a shot of vodka whenever she knows she has to go out in public. “It’s the only way she can get herself ready to be in a good mood,” says a source. Someone else claims she has mood swings and a severe drinking problem, and the booze contributed to the end of her marriage. She ALLEGEDLY used to scream at husband Jordan: “I make all the money. I’m the star of this family! What do you do?” And! “The real Christina is mean, nasty and horrible,” says an insider. This is going to be an epic, Mommie Dearest-style biopic someday. Kelsey Grammer, as a wedding gift to Kayte Walsh, deposited a million dollars into her bank account. No romance without finance! Lastly, Jennifer Hudson’s fiancé is not happy about her slim-down — he liked her body the way it was. Sad face.
Grade: D+ (Mad Dog)

Us
“Secrets Of The Proposal”
The editors obviously made a deal with the production team behind The Bachelor, because they’ve been covering the show incessantly, and have an eyewitness account of Brad Womack’s proposal to the lucky lady. But! The specifics of this deal seem to involve not printing spoilers, so the mag only HINTS at whether Brad chose Emily or Chantal. (Here’s a clue: Emily is the main image on the cover!) Here’s what we know about the proposal, which took place in South Africa: According to the mag, “It was the kind of proposal girls fantasize about.” You know, being filmed for national TV on a competitive reality show? Brad had to propose four times, actually, because the crew wanted different camera angles. Don’t worry, though, she said yes all four times, and “jubilation filled the desert air.” Before the special moment, Brad met with the runner-up first, to break up with her — “it was all over in 20 minutes,” says a source, “and it only took 5 minutes between her getting dumped to driving off the set.” They move quickly so that the stunned loser can be filmed in the car while the emotions are still raw! Moving on: Here’s how Rashida Jones spent her 35th birthday: She had a pajama party with a cereal buffet and a stylist on hand to braid her pals’ hair. We’re super sad we weren’t invited. Emily Blunt loves Angry Birds, but says, “The pigs are so horrible… they laugh at you!” Olivia Wilde and Ryan Gosling had brunch in Cincinnati recently, and then went to an aquarium in Kentucky, where they really liked an alligator named Mighty Mike. LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian are getting their own wedding reality show, which we’ll be extra-careful not to watch. Jonah Hill has a nutritionist and a trainer and he “looks better and feels better.” (see Fig. 2) In the Christina Aguilera article, the mag notes that when she’s in a restaurant, “no matter what” she orders, “she pairs it with wine.” Recently, a waiter asked her and her boyfriend Matthew Rutler if they wanted dessert; they asked for more wine. Christina is “wasted” every other night and treats everyone like shit. Allegedly. In other news, a source says that Charlie Sheen’s interest in his twins is recent. He’d only seen them on one occasion between January 2010 and September 2010. Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn’s “secret affair” is going well. Someone who saw them in Cabo says: “They were acting like teenagers in love and were all over each other… Kissing a lot and chain-smoking.” Tasty. “She’s head over heels, he feels like the luckiest man alive.” Lastly: Kourtney Kardashian is doing a guest star stint on One Life To Live, and her character’s name is Kassandra Kavanaugh, a “sexy lawyer.” This is not a joke.
Grade: C- (Ripple)

Star
“Rock Bottom.”
Christina Aguilera has “lost her confidence” since she split from Jordan Bratman, and “She gets terribly sad,” and “all the awful memories” come flooding back. So! “She ends up numbing herself with booze and food.” She’s “in denial” and “seriously depressed,” says a “friend.” And, when she’s hungover, she “devours pizza, french fries, and other fattening foods,” which is just SO WEIRD AND UNUSUAL. A doctor who does not treat her claims: “She looks about 40 lbs. overweight.” My inner Christina fan says: Divorce is tough, and being in the spotlight is rough, and everyone needs to STFU. Moving on: Look! Adorable pictures of Kate Middleton as a tyke! (See Fig. 3) On the Knifestyles page, the mag wants us to believe that Courteney Cox has gotten a boob job when it’s obvious that different bikini tops offer different support (see Fig. 4). Also! Jennifer Aniston supposedly has filler in the skin around her eyes, mouth and brow, but she looks the same to us. Blind item! “Which singing TV starlet is anything but a joy to be around? While at a West Hollywood spa recently, she accused the staff of giving her the ‘wrong’ massage, and ripping her off. According to the insider, she even threatened them with ‘Do you know who I am?’ before walking out the door, screaming ‘fuck you!'” Lea Michele, you saucy minx! Bachelor Spoiler Alert: The ring goes to Emily. Ashley Olsen and Justin Bartha: Splitsville. Ashlee Simpson is having a “revenge romance” with Craig Owens, a longtime friend of Pete Wentz. “She played the part of the temptress, getting Craig to ignore his friendship with Pete,” says a source. “She loves that it worked.” Craig has been Tweeting subtle messages like, “When you wake up to messages from someone special… knowing you’ll look at them over & over throughout the day… Smiling really big each time” and “the faith I have in us will keep you near.” There’s a chance that these are song lyrics, but whatever. “Ashlee’s determined to move on first,” the source says. “She won’t tolerate being seen as ‘the poor ex-wife who got dumped. It’s just not an option.” When it comes to Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn, an insider says, “she was definitely the aggressor.” She was looking for advice on an upcoming Oxfam trip to Haiti, and that’s how they started talking. “She looks to Sean as an older, sexy, college-professor type. She thinks he’s a genius and she’s totally into him.” Sean has told ScarJo upfront that he’ll never settle down again — he wants to be a bachelor. Doesn’t matter to ScarJo, she’s “still at the stage where she wants to sow her wild oats, especially after the divorce.” Lastly! Amanda Seyfriend is not a party girl. “I’m really a homebody. I’m on a knitting frenzy these days. The other night my friends wanted to go out, and I said, ‘Nah, let’s just stay home and knit.’ They call me Nana because of the knitting — and I’m proud of the nickname!”
Grade: C (white zinfandel)

Addendum:

Fig. 1, from Life & Style

Fig. 2, from Us

Fig. 3, from Star

Fig. 4, from Star