The vitally important Miss America pageant happened in Vegas yesterday, and its sequined formal pantsuits, vacant-eyed grinning, and the oversinging extravaganza of the talent portion served as a timely warning to women everywhere. Beauty pageants: not even once.

Stanford University alumna-cum-professional Fox News Head Cocking Concerned Mother Gretchen Carlson relives the glory days of her 1989 Miss America rein by channeling David Bowie circa Labyrinth and using her eyelids to communicate just how excited she is about everything. It's wonderful, just wonderful.

Djuan Keila Trent, Miss Kentucky, begs for forgiveness for her sequined pantsuit. "I'm sorry," she told the crowd, "we were told to go full glitz."

Caitlin Uze, Miss Virginia, performs a dance that I imagine is called "Tron: Clog Legacy" and lets her mind wander to simpler times, before the makeup and hair extensions and sequined arm warmers.

Did you hear the one about the silver-tied, exhausted looking comedian who made a bunch of predictable jokes about hot women during the Miss America pageant?

Ecstatic to be free of the doldrums of her home state, Kayla Martell dances a light, breezy number called "Thank Fucking God I Got Out Of Delaware."

Jacquie Brown, Miss Washington, emotes while performing a mournful dirge about how everyone always misspells her first name.

Eventual first runner-up Alyse Eady took to the stage with two terrifying enchanted puppets, using the entirety of her time onstage brandishing the figures and yodeling warnings to audience members.


I'm only 50% joking. She did yodel, and those are ventriloquist dummies, and she did win first runner-up. A tipster argued that she was robbed, and I tend to agree because any woman with the balls to engage in public puppetry deserves a crown of some sort in recognition of her indomitable pride; her dignity survived both a red sequined romper and this performance-

The lady's got some ovaries.

Our eventual winner, though, was 17 year old Nebraskan Teresa Scanlan, who believes that WikiLeaks is the same thing as espionage, such as.