55-Gallon Drum of Lube Makes a Terrible Dog Swimming Pool, Says Amazon Reviewer

Do you ever look around your sex dungeon, see the desiccated fuck-doll crocheted out of all the pubic hair you’ve collected from public restrooms over the years, and think, “You know, I could really use a 55-gallon drum of water-based personal lubricant”? If this is the sort of dilemma you regularly find yourself facing, Boing Boing’s Rob Beschizza (not to mention mondo lube pitchman Nick Bergus) sure does have some good news for you — that 55-gallon drum of sex lube is just an Amazon click away.

Such a large quantity of lube isn’t cheap — it’ll run you $1,263.80. I know, I know — in this economy, who has that kind of cash to spend on sexual deviance? Before you sheath your credit card, though, consider glowing testimonials like this one from Malcolm:

A little over a decade ago, I bought my 55 gallon drum of lube. I never thought I’d use it all but a few days ago the pump finally ran dry. I’ve had a lot of good times with it. My wife, too. And not just what you’d think. One day I just hosed down our hardwood-floored hallway so I could use it as a slip-n-slide. You shouldn’t think of this as a ‘purchase.’ It’s an ‘investment.’ An investment sure to pay off in spades.

See? It’s an optimistic investment for your sexual future. Dog owners be warned, however — Greg M. writes that the lube barrel makes a less-than-ideal above ground pool for your lapdog:

Do not put small/medium sized dogs in this 55 gallon barrel of lubricant!!!! The dogs can not swim well in the lube and just sink to the bottom!! Terrible!!!

Really, where would the Internet be without hilarious Amazon reviews? These people all deserve some kind of special literary award, to be presented to them by a particularly cantankerous Nobel Prize winner.