Can We Just Stop This Craptacular Body Wash Madness, Please?

You know, it’s really hard for men to take care of themselves. Shaving, shampooing, and bathing are really difficult tasks. Thank goodness there are always some scantily clad women to help them practice basic hygiene!

Anthropologists across the globe will tell you that no man has actually cleansed himself without a team of half-dressed women with sassy stares to guide him. Did you know that the Black Death killed 200 million people in the 1300s because women weren’t allowed to dress in clothes from Rainbow and assist men with their daily cleansing rituals? It’s true!

Apparently, in order to sell soap, shaving cream, and shampoo to men, it requires the assistance of “hot girls” who want nothing more than to help guys apply their grooming products. Because nothing turns a lady on like some dude who smells like he just walked out of the high school cafeteria. Is there such a thing as “too much cologne”? In the world of Axe, the answer is most certainly no. (The following vids, especially the last one, are slightly NSFW.)

Here we have a charming Axe ad wherein the ladies turn a perfectly normal looking guy into a heartthrob from 1983. Feathered hair that smells like deodorant, gentlemen! That’s the way to get into our pants:

And here, the Axe Crisis Relief ladies crash a bachelor party to “sexily” wash someone’s hair:

And finally, the ladies of “Shave Wet” help this poor befuddled gentleman shave properly…by being sexy, of course! And what do you know, after they shave him, they also sleep with him. SO REALISTIC YOU GUYS:

Can we just stop this bullshit, please? Girls are not going to throw themselves all over you because you use Axe. If anything, the sight of an Axe bottle in a dude’s bathroom is a pretty clear douchebag warning device. And ladies, if you really want to do some good in your Crisis Relief mode, you might want to tell a guy that if he can’t wash his own damn hair, he’s probably pretty undateable to begin with. Or send him back to his Mom’s house, as he’s clearly not able to take care of himself without a woman forcing him to take a damn shower. Perhaps advertisers should start realizing that his kind of idiotic commercial only drives home the point that dudes who actually buy into this stuff are total assholes who smell like puberty and desperation.

At least one company has the right idea:

Three Hookers Come To A Hotel, Help Guy Shave [Ad Gabber]
[Axe Hair Crisis Relief]