Last week, a North Florida couple momentarily captured the Internet’s attention with a series of gender reveal photographs that featured the expecting couple firing a rifle at a decorated box packed with chalk and explosives. Ready, aim, fire! A plume of blue smoke billowed into the air and down a dirt road, announcing that couple is expecting a boy.
The couple hugged in front the vaguely ominous blue smoke cloud slowly overtaking them; a metaphor, no doubt, for the mysterious joys of parenthood and gun ownership. It was truly a moment. According to Buzzfeed, the gender reveal was an “insanely unique,” “cuteness overload.” Indeed.
Here at Jezebel, we were so inspired by this insanely unique gender reveal, that we’ve decided to share with you, our beloved readers, five of our own intimate and insanely unique gender reveal stories, which we are leaving unidentified to protect the privacy of our personal brands. We hope you’ll appreciate their unique beauty.
“At my gender reveal party, I had all my guests join me at a round table where we gazed into a large crystal ball. After chanting ‘X and X’ or ‘X and Y’ for half an hour, the smoke bomb I prepared went off, and Whoopi Goldberg rose from a trap door I had my very handy husband install in our living room (You can find his guide to installing the trap door on Pinterest if you’re interested). Anyway, Whoopi rose up, and said, ‘Molly, you’re having a girl, girl.’ Everyone cried, we gave Whoopi her check, and she left.”
-Staffer who has never had sex with a woman
“I had my loved ones climb to the top of a scenic mountain. Once we reached the pinnacle, we stopped to momentarily appreciate nature’s towering peaks before I pulled a rainbow egg from an eagle’s nest and smashed it with a silver hammer. Crack! The egg opened to reveal pink foam. Everyone cried as we held each other and, yet again, looked over God’s majestic landscape. It was adorable, is what the Instagram comments said.”
-Staffer who calls her vagina her “ham wallet”
“My gender reveal party was truly beautiful...a communal and intimate moment between family, friends and fetus. I released balloons into the sky and had my beloved guests, all armed with semi-automatic weapons, shoot them down from the sky. But surprise! The balloons had handmade tiny babies, purchased for a lovely little Etsy shop, inside of them. It rained down tiny baby boys over me and my guests. We danced in the shower and cried. Finally, wet with tears and tired from dancing, we looked into the setting sun. It was beautiful.”
-Staffer who hasn’t seen her own pubic hair since middle school
“At my gender reveal, I hired a sorceress who bore a striking resemblance to Game of Thrones’ Melisandre. We gathered our friends and family around a vintage-inspired slab, which was only $200 on Ebay (!), where the sorceress began chanting in Valyrian. I had no idea what she was saying, but it was all uniquely authentic.
Slowly, slowly, the flame rose up from the table. We could feel the intense heat on our faces as we held tight to one another. The sorceress was unfazed by the heat, she seemed to draw strength from the fiery blaze as she gazed deeply into the flames. The baby kicked, the sorceress fixed her gaze on my baby and then on me. ‘You know nothing,’ she said to me. And then, she looked again into the fire, smiled, and said to my waiting friends and family, ‘Congratulations, it’s a girl.’ My mother cried tears of joy and hugged the sorceress. We all hugged the sorceress. It was beautiful.”
-Staffer who recently went to “Africa”
“After scrolling Pinterest for days, I settled on my dream gender reveal cake. Much like my baby, I spent days lovingly baking it, laboring to perfection: three tiers, a perfect fondant colored like a beautiful bird’s egg, and icing letters that read, ‘Buck or Doe? Who Knows?’ I gathered my closest friends and family and eagerly waited for my dear husband to slice into the cake, revealing our baby’s gender to the sublime group of smiling faces. He cut into the cake to reveal a neutral vanilla.
‘Pass out slices, honey,’ I said to my handsome husband with a sly grin.
He sliced the cake with the grace of an ogre (men!) and passed them out to our guests. They began to eat the delicious cake and to their surprise, they each found a slip of paper, much like a fortune cookie, in the middle. They unfurled their paper and found quotes from Judith Butler, Audre Lorde, Hélène Cixous and Betty Friedan. They looked at me, puzzled.
‘Surprise!’ I yelled. ‘Gender is a kind of imitation for which there is no original; in fact, it is a kind of imitation that produces the very notion of the original as an effect and consequence of the imitation itself!’ Cuteness overload.”
-Staffer who let her fiancé buy an engagement ring, but in an ironic way
Images via Anna Elizabeth Photography/Facebook