5 Gifts To Avoid Giving Your Mother This Mother's Day

Mother’s Day is exactly one week away, and though there are plenty of guides out there to help you choose a suitable gift for the mother-figure in your life, I thought perhaps I’d provide a list of gifts to skip:

Frumpy House Gear: My father was officially cut off from making any Mother’s Day gift decisions in 1987, after he purchased the ugliest robe known to man and presented it to my mother, who opened it with a look of horror on her face that I don’t think I’ve seen since. It was black terrycloth with huge multi-colored shapes of some sort all over it, it was fourteen sizes too big, and it looked like it was flown in from a senior citizens home in the year 2083. My father still defends his gift to this day: “You always complained about being cold in the morning!” he says, “I thought it was a nice idea.” My mother just puts her hands up and walks away if you even mention it to her. “Oh, gawd,” she frowns. “Not the robe.” Not the robe, you guys. Unless your mom specifically asks for one, and then, at the very least, make sure it’s sized appropriately and not the ugliest garment on the face of the earth.

Cleaning Supplies: Unless your mom plays Quiddich, she doesn’t need a broom. And if she does, she’ll buy one. There is nothing more boring or insulting than a Mother’s Day gift that says, “Here Mom! Now go clean the house!” Some mothers will hint that they want appliances and such, but check yourself, please: a vacuum cleaner is not a present as much as an investment for the entire household—one that EVERYONE, not just Mom, should be using on a regular basis. Turning it into a “gift” for Mom, unless she comes out and says, “I could really use a new vacuum cleaner” is just bad news, bears.

World’s Greatest Mom Mug: Because a. she doesn’t need another mug, and b. my mom already holds the title, so you should probably just accept it, dig?

The Self-Serving Community Gift: “I got you a Wii! What is it? It’s a video game thing. I can show you how to play it! No, it’s easy! You’ll love it! Here, just let me play it for 17 hours or so, and then I’ll be good enough at it to show you how. You don’t have to stay. I’ll call you when I’m done. Could you bring me a Coke, though? What’s that? You don’t think you have room for this here? Well, I guess I could keep it at my house. Sure. But remember: it’s your present. Love you, Mom.”

Josh Groban: I know, your mother thinks Josh Groban is handsome and sings “like an angel straight from Heaven.” But you can’t steal him and wrap him in a bow. That is called first-degree kidnapping, and it is a federal offense. Going to jail for 60+ years due to Grand Theft Groban is not the way to impress your mom. A cd will suffice.

Do you have any gifts to add? Anything you’ve given or received that others should avoid next Sunday? As always, feel free to share them in the comments.