Here's Rich, Marie Claire's New Dating Blogger. Watch Him Transform From A 'Luke Skywalker' To A 'Han Solo.' And Weep For Humanity!

This is Rich! He’s the latest official women’s magazine-sanctioned dating blogger, coming to us courtesy of the Hearst title Marie Claire, and he’s totally clueless about girls. But not starting today! He’s about to transform himself. Ya think he’s been watching The Pick-Up Artist??

Suddenly I’ll be able to do the Han Solo, as he’s dying in Empire Strikes Back:

Princess Leia: “I love you.”

Han Solo: “I know.”

Sigh. You can tell from Rich’s resolutions here that he has all the right ideas, from being purposely reckless to being purposely flaky to really, trying not to think about it all too much (Good job, then, with the column), but I couldn’t help but feel really fucking depressed reading it. Like, goody! More dating advice directed at people who seek self-actualization and derive a sense of self-worth from the affirmation of random strangers! But what about the rest of us?

What about those of us who just can’t summon the energy to be that insecure all the time? Who just can’t be bothered to look at every encounter as a chance to build self-esteem? What about those of us who kind of just want to cut the crap and get laid? Who, when we like someone, usually like him for the right reasons, and assume that if it doesn’t work out it’s probably him?? When do we all get to stop obeying the idiotic rules of the fictitious video game everyone has been brainwashed into playing? Or like, more specifically, when does this shit end??? My liver can’t take it anymore.