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29-Year-Old Former Assistant Sells Million Dollar Script About Internet Datestalking

Illustration for article titled 29-Year-Old Former Assistant Sells Million Dollar Script About Internet Datestalking

Emma Stone is reportedly in talks to star in a movie based on a screenplay about cyber datestalking written by a woman who, until last week, was Adam McKay's personal assistant. The script's called He's Fuckin' Perfect, and the writer is currently accepting applications for people interested in officially living vicariously through her.

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The movie, like all movies, is about a good intentioned but overly neurotic young woman who just wants what's best for her friends. She diligently researches men online for others until she finds a guy who would be just right for her. There's one problem: she's all neurotic and doesn't think she's good enough for him! To fix this, she creates a fake internet persona that totally doesn't backfire. Things ensue!

The script's writer, 29-year-old Lauryn Kahn, reportedly sold her script to Fox 2000 pictures for between $1 million and $1.5 million. After finding out that she could finally afford to buy all of the happiness she's ever wanted, she quit her $40,000 per year assistant job to write scripts full time and be fanned by tan musclebound men who use only the finest palm fronds. In my imagination, Adam McKay is watching her wistfully as she waves goodbye. Goodbye, my love.

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In fact, someone should write a neverending meta-rom com about this entire affair. The screenwriter is a clumsy perfectly dressed assistant with a perfect wardrobe and a great job who can't do anything right when she gets her big break! Emma Stone, famous actress, is going to perform in a movie based on a script she's written! The assistant quits her job and is confused by Adam McKay's angry reaction. Turns out, Adam McKay was in love with the 29-year-old assistant/screenwriter and after a series of pratfalls he finally aw shucksily confesses this to her and then they get engaged, except then Kate Hudson is their meddling wedding planner with extra plans of her own until none other than Jennifer Motherfucking Lopez rolls into town and she's got Matthew McConaughey with her. And wait! Is that Judy Greer, appearing to sidekick around like a pro!? Here comes Diane Keaton! She's someone's mom! This is going to be the greatest film of all time. Let's just replace TBS with this.

Anyway, the moral of the story is: never let go of your idiotic dreams. A million other people might have the same dream, but maybe one day you'll get lucky and the wheel of fortune will stop on you. Or you'll get unlucky and be the first person in your state to die of dysentery since the 1940's because of some expired cottage cheese you ate.

Emma Stone in talks to star in Lauryn Kahn Fox 2000 Spec [Deadline]

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DISCUSSION

I know exactly how to pay off my student loans now: write a screenplay about a woman who meets a man online who claims to be a soldier serving in Iraq. He needs money to keep the internet running, so the woman sends him various amounts of money, amounting to approximately $127,000.

Even with all this money, the Army internet is facing shut down, so our soldier explains that he needs 12 Blackberries and 10 iPods to rig up a secret internet that will allow our star crossed lovers to continue to communicate.

Our leading lady complies, dreaming of the day when her soldier will come to meet her. Meanwhile, her friends and family are concerned, but she tells them that only a true soul mate would rig up a secret internet just for you while fighting in the war.

Then, President Obama announces that all troops will be home by Christmas, and the woman gets so excited. She promptly goes out to buy a wedding dress in preparation of her fairytale wedding. Of course we'll have a 5 - 10 minute montage of her trying on dresses while some cheesy pop music, probably by Katy Perry, plays along, seeming to narrate her soon to be perfect life.

As the holidays near, our soldier tells her that he's been keeping a secret from her. What could it be? Her friends and family tell that the whole romance has probably been a scam, or, best case scenario, he's gay. She cries and cries as rain pours outside, mirroring her emotions.

She finally gets to talk to her love after sending more funds to repair the bootleg internet. He tells her that he won't be coming home for Christmas because........ he's a Nigerian prince who must return to his kingdom! And he wants her to come be his princess!! But first, he needs more money to get back home after the war. His family has disowned him because of his decision to live the life of a soldier, BUT, if he can just get back to Nigeria, he can win back their love and once again be heir to the throne.

Overjoyed at the news, the woman empties her bank account in order to help her prince get home. Once he receives the funds, he tells her that as soon as he gets back to his palace, he will send for her and they will finally meet in person.

However, he never contacts her again. She frantically searches the internet for any news on airplane crashes involving Royal Nigerian Airlines... but finds nothing; it's as if the airline doesn't even exist! As the days, weeks, and months go by, she pines away for her prince, hoping that somehow, someday, he'll find her.

A few years later, after she's become a hoarder / cat lady, one of her cats chews through her cable modem. She contacts her internet service provider, who promptly sends a repair worker to her home. However, the internet repairman says that he can't do his work with the home in such hoarded conditions.

Her family contacts specialists and professional organizers to help her. After cleaning for days, they've found 16 Nigerian flags, one wedding dress, and 2 cat skeletons. Her home now in order, a local news station picks up the story and offers her a free makeover in order to start over. The results are of course, amazing!! During her news interview, she cries about her fiance who died in a plane crash so long ago.

The internet repairman, who came to her house before the cleanup and makeover, is watching the newscast. He understands her pain, as he too lost his fiance in a plane crash. He comes back to her home that night, with a new cable modem and a dozen roses. And they live happily ever after.

The End.