10 Gifts for Your Newly Single Friend

10 Gifts for Your Newly Single Friend

No, this is NOT autobiographical!! But I would accept these gifts…

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Photo: Therabody; I Need God; Loving Puffy Bear

Let’s say you have a hypothetical friend who, hypothetically speaking, is hypothetically going through heartbreak just before the holidays.

Perhaps that heartbreak is a result of the storied Turkey Drop, their partner’s accelerating MAGA politics, or a wishy-washy potential partner who avoided defining the relationship until they realized they were too cheap and unmotivated to buy your friend a present. Either way, there’s always a flood of newly minted singles throwing themselves at short-lived hits of dopamine just before the holidays, and this year, with the relationship-shredding effects of covid still playing out, it feels like an army of freshly minted singles might just be planning a Chrismukkah Coup. (I am…refusing to disclose whether this is autobiographical or not.)

The newly single women in your life are not doomed to a life of misery. Quite the contrary, actually: Studies have shown that single women in many cases earn more, live longer, and are generally happier than their married counterparts who have children. But no human with a beating heart can deny the obliterating blues that follow a breakup, and many of us (hypothetically!) feel the need to fashion those blues into an ironic and deeply personal identity performance as The Sad Girl.

Despite its gendered language, The Sad Girl is a vibe and aesthetic applicable to people of all genders that can serve as a lifeboat in times of heartbreak, despondency, or general misery. So if your newly single friend (totally not me you guys, so silly to keep suggesting that, I am just vaguely and generically miserable, like I suggested just now!) needs to lean in to sadness this holiday season, let them temporarily live out their manic pixie dream girl fantasies in peace. Don’t forget to tack on a cackle: Depressed girlies love self-deprecating humor, and for the love of SZA, don’t get them a fucking daily gratitude journal. Now, kindly follow the trail of Milk Bar wrappers right this way.

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Rollink Suitcase

Rollink Suitcase

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Photo: Courtesy of Rollink

Get your favorite Sad Girl a suitcase to manipulate them into getting the hell out of their apartment, city, state, or country. Rollink’s Flex Vega carry-on suitcase is a little pricey (though it’s currently on sale for $138.75!) but at least it’s not that Away suitcase that makes me feel as though I’m fading into the bushes of nauseating sameness. Choose one of the two perfectly depressive blue colors the brand offers for this collapsible luggage piece that can easily be shoved into the back of a closet—or on top of the kitchen cabinets, because you’re lying if you think your friend is actually cleaning her room right now.

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SAD Light Therapy Lamp

SAD Light Therapy Lamp

Image for article titled 10 Gifts for Your Newly Single Friend
Photo: Verilux (Fair Use)

Your friend’s already dealing with heartbreak, and now you mean to tell me they must also withstand the chilling force of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) in the dark depths of winter? Do not, I repeat, do not tell your friend to take a walk or drink a glass of water. They’ll throw their Sweetgreen at the wall, or directly at you (but at least they’re eating vegetables!). Instead, gift them a SAD light therapy lamp, with options ranging from the expensive and bougie ($90) to the cheap and effective ($28). Imagine your pal taking a light therapy lamp to the face whilst staring at the window questioning life. That’s so Lana Del Rey.

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Cozy Shoes for Leaving the House Minimally, Perhaps Never

Cozy Shoes for Leaving the House Minimally, Perhaps Never

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Photo: Skechers

Gift the Sad Girl in your life slip-on shoes that can be worn as slippers, as dog-walking shoes, or errand shoes for running downstairs to grab a quick iced coffee in the dead of winter, so they can return to nesting and hibernating as quickly as possible. In my opinion, the less effort required to do daily tasks, the better. Try these BOBS Drift Estatic Puffs (on sale for $35!) for a shoe your friend can do nearly everything in.

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She Probably Needs God

She Probably Needs God

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Photo: I Need God (Fair Use)

Let your friend profess their longing for divine intervention with this bathing suit ($50) from I Need God. Maybe you can’t give her the gift of God directly, but you can allow her to express her probably ironic reliance on God in these trying times. Just know that she’ll probably wear it once in a TikTok video about being depressed and then forget she owns it.

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A Theragun Mini to Mimic Human Touch

A Theragun Mini to Mimic Human Touch

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Photo: Courtesy of Therabody

Who knows whether this breakup will send your friend on a journey through born-again virginity, or if they’ll strike out on a string of transactional first dates and swear off sex and dating for months. No fear. You can give them the pocket-sized Theragun mini ($199) so someone—well, something!—will always be there to massage their pain away. Who needs a partner to dig into their muscle pain (and, metaphorically, their emotional pain) when you’ve got an effective robotic sidekick? Even when you can’t rush to their bedside to take care of them, rest assured they’ll always have a…helping hand nearby. And if you’re looking for a different kind of helping hand, we’ve got a whole guide for that, too.

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This Man Bear Pillow

This Man Bear Pillow

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Photo: Loving Bear Puffy (Fair Use)

You might give her nightmares—but at least those nightmares will be about this Loving Bear Puffy boyfriend pillow ($160) and not her ex. “He becomes part of the family and is always at home waiting for you,” the brand writes of the masculine bearish body. “He doesn’t snore, he doesn’t sweat, and... :) he doesn’t complain.” Absolutely dripping with disdain for all the hetero girlies out there! He will arrive strangely naked (no genitals, though), so just give your friend a heads up before she becomes convinced she’s unwrapping a dead body. I’m not sure why his expression is so forlorn, but maybe he’s a Sad Girl at heart, too.

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Sculpd Pottery Kit

Sculpd Pottery Kit

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Photo: Sculpd (Fair Use)

Send your friend to pottery so she can feel something. But if you’re not in the same state, or your friend simply refuses to leave the house, you can ship a pottery kit directly to their home. This one from Sculpd ($65) allows giftees to “sculpt, carve, paint and seal your own pinch pots, succulent plant pots, trinket dishes, vases, candle holders, sculptures,” and more. The items your friend creates can be as phallic or as yanic as she’d like. It’s like you’re telling her to touch grass, but…clay.

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Bathtub Caddy

Bathtub Caddy

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Photo: Royal Craft Wood (Other)

One of the best pieces I’ve breakup advice I’ve heard is to let the sadness rock you. Give your resident Sad Girl a bath caddy like this one from Royal Craft Wood ($51) so she can fill a bath, light a candle, turn off the lights, blast Patti Smith, and get drunk and cry in the tub.

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Mood Lighting

Mood Lighting

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Photo: Govee (Fair Use)

Sometimes vibes alone aren’t enough. Gift your friend a Govee adjustable floor lamp (on sale for $110) to make sure the lighting in the room suits your friend’s Euphoria selfies or their general mood. Better yet, they can control any room’s aura through an app, so they don’t have to leave the couch EVER AGAIN.

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Something Sad AND Sexy!!!

Something Sad AND Sexy!!!

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Photo: Honey Birdette (Other)

Male gaze my ass. Honey Birdette, a queer-founded luxury lingerie company, is not going to shock your friend out of her depression. But sometimes pairing a cheetah-print bustier ($170) that actually fits you with a pair of oversized vintage Levis while throwing vodka tonics down the hatch can elicit a surprising serotonin boost. Even if the Sad Girl’s end of year marks a time of sexlessness, that doesn’t mean she has to be bereft of sexiness too. Buy the lingerie, bitch.

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