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15 Unlikely & Ill-Advised Celebrity Attempts At Rap

Illustration for article titled 15 Unlikely  Ill-Advised Celebrity Attempts At Rap

Since the invention of rap, celebrities have operated under the mistaken assumption that anyone who can speak over a beat can rap. Here, we've compiled 15 of the most mortifying rhymes from stars including Tom Hanks, Miley Cyrus, and Oprah.


15) Eva Longoria
First Kim Kardashian and Kris Jenner illegally pose for pictures in front of the Mona Lisa, and now Eva Longoria stars in this commercials for the MTV's European Music Awards. Don't be surprised if Europeans see this as an all-out trans-Atlantic attack.

2) Tyra Banks
Tyra rhymes about her love for Bow Wow... and bacon.

13) Matthew Morrison
This clip from Glee is taken out of context, but even if you watch the show there's no reasonable explanation for Mr. Schue singing "Thong Song" to a teacher wearing a wedding dress while on school property. This and several similar numbers by Matthew Morrison inspired the petition "Please Stop Making Will Schuester Rap In Glee."


12) Miley Cyrus
Why release a boring statement about quitting Twitter when you can make a long-winded rap video about it? Sample lyric: "The reasons are simple, I started tweeting 'bout pimples."

11) Rodney Dangerfield
This was one of the first "rap" videos played on MTV. The next time you hear someone complaining about how the network doesn't play music anymore, remember it could be worse.

10) The Situation
Actually we take that back. MTV today is much worse, if only because it enabled the Situtation to record this car alarm-inspired track.

9) Oprah
Rapping is not one of Oprah's favorite things.

8) Shaquille O'Neal
The video for "Shoot Pass Slam" consists mainly of footage of Shaq on the court, because the song is so bad it's easy to forget he's talented at something.

7) Aaron Carter
"That's How I Beat Shaq" tells the story of how Aaron Carter managed to make an even more mortifying video by playing basketball during a glitter shower.

6) Kevin Federline
Watch out, Brit Brit! K-Fed's rapping can cause uncontrollable retching and shouldn't be viewed by small children, pregnant ladies, or the elderly.

5) Brian Austin Green — You Send Me
Megan Fox prepared for her role in the "Love You Way You Lie" video my making SexyFace to this video from Green's 1996 album One Stop Carnival.

4) Mr. T
What's tougher than rhyming about treating your mother right?

3) Ron Jeremy
"Freak Of The Week" features cameos by John Bobbitt, Joey Buttafuoco, and so, so many fake breasts. It was on the Billboard chart for 27 weeks, which is more evidence that the '90s were just a long collective nightmare.

2) Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd
This music video for the 1987 film Dragnet features a choreographed dance in a police station with centaur backup dancers. It's hard to believe their careers survived.

1) 1985 Chicago Bears
It's now a legend, and with good reason. Sadly, they don't give out rings for the most mortifying rap of all time.

Earlier: Jay-Z Teaches Oprah How To Rap

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Well, for people about my age (born in 1981), some of the blame may go to the public school system, for trying to insist that putting anything into a "rap" would make it fun to learn. I knew I had no business rapping, despite the numerous "raps" I was forced to learn about food groups, state capitals, parts of the body (the brain, the brain, the center of the chain—Babysitters Club movie anyone?) and oh yes, thanks to Vacation Bible School, Jesus.