10 Crappy Facts About Heaven From The One Person Who Was Actually Raptured Yesterday

Turns out, God loves premature cynicism, absurdity, crippling insecurity masked in mostly bad jokes, and 12 year old boy humor, and thus yesterday at 6 pm, I was sucked by God’s Hoover to heaven, just like that radio charlatan predicted. What he didn’t predict, however, is how it really is up here.

1. In heaven, there’s free Internet and it’s really fast and there are no popups. However, you’re only allowed to use Hotmail.

2. God is a lot shorter in person than he looks on TV. He’s also neither white nor black, but rather a sort of beaten up cruise ship captain orangey-brown color because UV rays are pretty intense up here and since there isn’t such thing as skin cancer, everyone just walks around sans-SPF looking like leathery holy handbags.

3. All they eat up here is Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and S’mores Pop Tarts. There is no diabetes in heaven.

4. The 90’s never ended in heaven, which is sort of cool because Bill Clinton is the President, but sort of not cool because the only sports we’re allowed to play are rollerblade basketball and hackey sack. Also everything smells like CKOne.

5. It’s true that all we do is frolic around on clouds up here, but clouds are actually kind of cold and clammy and not soft and fluffy like cotton balls or that toilet paper that those Charmin bears use whilst shitting in the woods.

6. Macho Man Randy Savage is here, but Andre the Giant is not.

7. Learning to play the harp is hard and I’ve never been good at string instruments, so I’ve been issued a tambourine. I’m not excellent at rhythm, so they’ve also issued me a metronome. If I fail at this, I’ll be issued a glow in the dark lightstick and banished to heaven’s rave.

8. There are some dogs in heaven, some cats, and no guinea pigs.

9. Women still menstruate in heaven, but so do men, because God believes in everyone suffering equally.