Welcome to Would U?, an academic forum in which I share my gross crush of the week and ask if you, too, would bang that person.

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Tuesday night marked the first Democratic presidential debate in the 2016 election cycle, and so much happened! Bernie and Hillary pretended to love each other, Jim Webb and Lincoln Chafee terrified and saddened America, respectively, and Martin O’Malley’s mature sexuality sparkled like a newborn star in the desert sky.

Jezebel managing editor Erin Gloria Ryan has met Governor O’Malley, and maintains that there is “nothing behind the eyes.” But... I mean, so? He hates guns, he loves to swim in cold water, and, DRUMROLL, he plays in a celtic rock band!!!

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What more could anyone possibly want out of a presidential candidate and hypothetical sex partner? But the Jezebel staff, plus Gawker social media strategist Terron Moore, had some competing thoughts:

Kate Dries: No. What a cheeseball.

Joanna Rothkopf: Ok but would u in secret if he was voted president?

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Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: Ew no.

Terron Moore: Oh my god yes.

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Joanna Rothkopf: THANK YOU, yes, phew.

Anna Merlan: If he was wearing his band outfit, not his debating outfit.

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Jia Tolentino: I actually think no!

Clover Hope: Yeah why not.

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Emma Carmichael: Yes.

Madeleine Davies: Yah.

Julianne: I would absolutely NOT fuck Martin O’Malley.

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Jia: I mean, this is confusing me because my type is white man who won’t stop talking, but I really think no.

Julianne: Hey wait also WHY IS HE WALKING AROUND WITH HIS SHIRT OFF

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Joanna: It is weird to me that he has no hair.

Bobby Finger: Martin O’Malley waxes his chest every Monday/Wednesday/Friday.

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Jia: YES. That’s it. I can’t do the waxed chest.

Bobby: Who was our last president who flaunted their hairy chest?

Bobby: Not B.O.

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Bobby: Not Clinton.

Bobby: Don’t see much chest hair on GWB TBH.

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Julianne: I can’t imagine boning Clinton, also. Like I know everyone’s all charisma etc, but like

Joanna: I would any president.

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Jia: Even Taft?

Bobby: Would not bone Clinton would not bone Bush would not bone Barack.

Jia: Would NOT bone Barack? I would very bone Barack.

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Terron: I feel like Obama anytime and Clinton in the 90s are without question.

Julianne: Guys...

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Julianne: I would maybe bone G.W. Bush.

Joanna: Would totally bone W. Not Nixon prob.

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Bobby: Would not bone Reagan. Would maybe bone Ford but not Nixon.

Bobby: Would not bone Johnson. Would not bone Kennedy.

Julianne: WHAT

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Julianne: HOW WOULD YOU NOT BONE KENNEDY

Bobby: I don’t need to be JUST ANOTHER NOTCH ON HIS BELT.

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Joanna: That is crazy.

Julianne: YOU ARE INSANE

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Kate: Yeah I’m really not interested in presidents.

Joanna: They r my number 1 interest probably.

Kate: He has a weak jaw (Kennedy)

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Jia: I would pay to have sex with him.

Julianne: SAME

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Joanna: I would complete an internship.

Bobby: I’m SO sorry I don’t want to bone JOHN F KENNEDY

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Bobby: “You didn’t miss much” - Jackie

Anna: Eh he looks like a rich kid.

Julianne: You guys are fucking un-American.

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Anna: Least fuckable president is definitely William Henry Harrison.

Emma: Coolidge was also pretty bad.

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Erin: Look almost everybody is fuckable when they’re young.

Anna: At least Taft didn’t die in 30 days from not wearing a coat at his inauguration.

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Julianne: Roosevelt is def a would though! THAT MIND!

Julianne: I WOULD BONE ROOSEVELT FOR HIS MIND

Erin: How about this dweeb?

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Anna: Polk looks like Stephen Colbert crossed with Hiddleston only less hot.

Julianne: I would scare the fuck out of young FDR.

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Julianne: FDR could not handle me.

Erin: Look, I think there was a line in American history, prior to which all the presidents had syphilis.

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Julianne: I would bone every founding father.

Emma: Lin Manuel’s next musical.

We got a little off-topic, sure! But now it’s your turn:

Last time on Would U?, we asked: Would you have sex with the cool and tough Ted Cruz in this poster for sale on his website? 72% answered “No,” 8% answered “Yes,” and 20% answered “Only from behind.”


Contact the author at ellie@jezebel.com.

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Image via Flickr/Tom Nappi.