The soapy scene Mariah Carey shared with her back-up dancer/co-creative director (?)/love interest (???) Bryan Tanaka that was widely mocked when it hit the internet last week in preview form was far from the only moment of contrivance in last night’s season (????) finale of Mariah’s World. In fact, that scene was par for the course on a show that had about the same grasp on reality as someone who bathes in diamonds and devotes as much of her life as humanly possible to being prone. That’s to say that though its particulars were frequently dubious (if not routinely staged), there could be a way to read Mariah’s World as an interpretive reflection of the reality of a life that would be considered by the vast majority of humans to be utterly unreal. Or something! It’s not like I learned anything about Carey’s actual life over the course of her show’s eight episodes. I’m just guessing here.

Anyway, for more ridiculousness, look no further than the clip above which features:

  1. Mariah Carey “recording” her new song “I Don’t” (not as in “...know her,” but as in what you say instead of “I do” when you realize you’re about to make the biggest mistake of your life) while lip-syncing to a pre-recorded vocal.
  2. Mariah Carey performatively removing her 35-carat engagement ring allegedly given to her by her alleged ex-fiance, billionaire James Packer, and leaving it on the stand that holds her song’s lyrics. (By the way, she reportedly kept the ring anyway.)
  3. Mariah Carey indulging in a stilted conversation with her manager Stella Bulochnikov (the most alleged one of all, not because her employment is in question, but because what Bulochnikov does is to managing as what they do down at the Cheetah is to dancing) about breaking up with Packer in which she professes a desire to “cut the shit,” while being entirely vague about what the fuck is actually happening. It seems like Carey is implying that she can’t go through with the wedding because of her feelings for Tanaka? Bulochnikov makes a reference to Packer pushing “the first wedding date,” but I thought Mariah, per the show’s first episode, was the one who did that because Bulochnikov made her???

The finale ended with a scene of Mariah and Tanaka canoodling on a beach, rhapsodizing each other in voice over and kissing with closed-mouth conviction at one point.

“At the end of the day, you have someone that you care about and love in a deeper way. And I’m really happy. I’m not sure if anybody else can understand that, but it is what it is,” said Mariah. Yeah, but what actually is it?!?!?