Welcome back to Midweek Madness. Every Wednesday, Kristine Gutierrez heads to the newsstand and picks up hot-off-the-presses issues of Ok!, Us, In Touch, Star, and Life & Style, then we flip through the pages of the tabloids, hoping our gossip dreams have come true. This week, Leonardo DiCaprio attempts to break a model-fucking record (category: on a yacht); Reese Witherspoon gets an almost-failing grade in motherhood; and General Hospital star James Franco is proposing to The Mother of Dragons. (Your move, Riff Raff.)
“Jessica’s Dramatic Delivery!”
Ok, the dramatic delivery of the headline (and coverline "FAMILY RUSHES TO HER SIDE") might have you thinking that Jessica Simpson has already had a baby. She has not. However, Simpson’s second pregnancy does sound a bit scary. Jessica will allegedly give birth to her baby early by C-section, which is the same thing she had to do for her first baby. Good luck. Tom Cruise showed up at Connor’s – that is his son – DJ set at a club in LA, and apparently they hit on women together. Next thing you know, they’ll be doing porn together. Some poor intern at the magazine calculated the exact amount of time that's passed since Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston split – 3,084 days. The more you know. Here's a quote from Amanda Bynes’ ex-boyfriend, Doug Reinhardt: "She would go crazy for no reason." Other details about her wanting to kill his bird and wreck her car are from 'inside sources.' An inside source claimed Bynes would have bloody, mutilated dolls on her floor. Dear source, how do dolls get bloody?
Grade: F (nightmare involving being buried alive)
"Alone In The Delivery Room"
Again: This woman hasn't delivered yet. And weren't the mags just condemning Kim Kardashian for being fame-hungry and shallow? Good thing Kanye West came along to boost her image as a sad, lonely woman only eager to have a harmonious happy family. Now we can all pity her! Also, what is up with that picture of her crying in a hospital bed? She is not in labor yet. Moving on: Amanda Bynes has sick, “twisted” obsessions with body image and graphic sex, which are not nearly as sick and twisted as the world’s obsession with Amanda Bynes. Also, the magazine censored the word “vagina” from Bynes’ tweet to Drake. Truly twisted and obscene. Next: Angelina Jolie subconsciously leans left as a sign of femininity on the red carpet and choses dresses that subconsciously point to her boobies as a subconscious way to show her subconscious love for her boobies. OUR HEADS HURT. Kim Zolciak of Don’t be Tardy… is pregnant again, which is funny because do you care? Elon Musk, the genius billionaire, space voyeur, cologne eponym and baby-faced man is apparently getting heated with Cameron Diaz. Breaking: Channing Tatum is "thrilled" to be a father. In an interview with Shakira about motherhood, she shares that she would love to breastfeed her baby until he’s in college (what’s up, Freud?!); her baby loves Baby Einstein movies (because it’s baby crack); and she considered getting plastic surgery. To end it all, Taylor Swift has a third fragrance coming out called Taylor by Taylor Swift. We'll assume each bottle is filled with the tears of her exes.
Grade: D- (birth nightmare)
Life & Style
“Joe Cheated With The Nanny!”
Let’s talk about Teresa Giudice from the Real Housewives of New Jersey and her worthless, mean husband Joe. Photos from April 22nd (ok, wait, why is this being written about now?) show Joe hanging out with his former secretary in NYC, which might mean that he was sexy-timing her, too. But that might be false. Whether he cheated or not, Joe seems like a low-class douche who says means things and does mean things, and Teresa should ditch him. Taylor Swift is a terrible neighbor/grumpy old man. Her security guards have been kicking surfers out of their super cool meeting spot. Wait, is this the plot of an '80s movie? Kanye West’s unwillingness to parade his life and fake happiness on E! make him an “insensitive boyfriend.” Since when did it become normal to put your intimate, private matters on TV? Oh right: Always, if you're a Kardashian. Born-again virgin Sean Lowe and his gal Catherine Giudici are living together but in separate bedrooms. Congrats Sean, you can still masturbate in private! Jessica Simpson’s $8 million home is uh-mazing. It comes with a gym, Koi pond and sex dungeon (JK). Finally: Dimple McHotty Face Mario Lopez apparently bought houses for his friends when he got rich. Such a cutie.
Grade: C- (teeth-falling-out nightmare)
"Best & Worst Moms!"
What's better than judging the parenting styles of women you don't know without seeing them inside their homes? Giving them grades! Yes, the "report cards" in this issue are all about how celebrity moms are raising their kids — based on a few notable actions or quotes and not any kind of real information. Christina Aguilera gets a C- because she throws out her son's treats for fear that she will eat them. Reese Witherspoon gets a D+ for her "disrespectful attitude toward authority." Katie Holmes gets a C- for taking Suri to dinner at midnight; Farrah Abraham gets an F for negotiating her porn contract with her daughter in her arms. The kid is 4! Mommy signing paperwork is not damaging. Anyway, Angelina Jolie gets an A+ for getting a mastectomy so her kids don't have to live without her. Weird how star is being nice to her now after years of "wasting away" headlines. Oh, and that one time they diagnosed her twins with down syndrome. Denise Richards gets an A+ for taking in Charlie Sheen's other kids while Brooke Mueller was in rehab; and Gwen Stefani gets a D because Gavin Rossdale "aka the nanny" does all the work. Moving on. In another Angelina story, a "source" says she might have one more kid before getting her ovaries removed — just to go for lucky seven. In Kardashian news, Kanye "ruined" Kim's baby shower when he showed up unhappy, wearing a hoodie and refusing to be filmed for E!. The Olsen twins nose job story is sooo 2007. Ooh, here's something we haven't heard about in a while: "Is Jodie Foster's Baby Daddy James Woods?" (Fig. 1) What else? Kiernan Shipka acted like a brat at a restaurant. Beyoncé's voice-over in Epic is an "epic bomb." Leonardo DiCaprio had sex with seven different women during the Cannes Film Festival. "He doesn't even have to try, they just follow him around" says a source we totally believe, who adds his yacht was the scene of "Gatsby-esque" partying and his fave hookup was a 20-year-old model named Toni Garrn. James Franco and Emilia Clarke, aka Game Of Thrones' Daenerys Targaryen, are totes in love and he is planning to propose. Or is it all just an elaborate art hoax? By ye old gods, 'tis not: They were recently seen holding hands and kissing at in NYC "as if they'd known each other for years." A wedding it is. Bring on the raw horse heart hors d'oeuvres. The TV show The Bachelorette has a problem: None of the dudes are into Desiree. "Almost all of them were complaining that she's boring and not very sexy." Jennifer Aniston is having "'last-minute wedding drama" because her nuptials are weeks away and her house isn't finished. A transsexual escort named Toni Newman claims that she had sex with Mauricio Umansky, the husband of "Real" "Housewife" Kyle Richards. Last, but not least: Jennifer Lopez is trying to have a baby with Casper Smart. Yes, there's a joke about going from robbing the cradle to rocking the cradle.
Grade: D (flying dream)
"Wedding & A Baby!"
Jennifer Love Hewitt is engaged and pregnant at last. Thank Zeus, because she was going to IMPLODE if she didn't get married. A self-described "hopeless romantic," in her relationship book, The Day I Shot Cupid, Love writes: "Once a month, since I was 12 years old, I go to my favorite jewelry store and try on my dream ring." Finally her dreams are coming true, and dude seems like a nice guy: six foot two and Ivy-educated, Brian Hallisay was there for Love after her mom/manager died last year and the two have adopted a dog together. But wait! Before JLH can move on with her awesome life, we have to look back at some of her exes! Joey! Carson! Mayer The Player! Not pictured: Wilmer Valderramma. (Fig. 2) Also inside: Friends brought John Mayer to Katy Perry's Memorial Day barbecue and he spent the night. Apparently she loves when he plays guitar, in which "guitar" means "sex." What else? Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger are gonna get married; Amanda Bynes has issues, and Lauren Conrad is pushing her EIGHTH book. What are you doing with all your spare time? Finally: We tackled this subject a couple of months ago, but here it is again: Are dudes better bearded? (Fig. 3)
Grade: B- (proposal fantasy)
Fig 1, from Star
Fig. 2, from Us
Fig. 3, from Us