This Week in Tabloids: Brad Pitt and Kate Hudson Are Sleeping Together, Which I Personally Love

By Bobby Finger  |  November 30, 2016 | 6:55pm
Celebrities

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we read Star, In Touch, OK, but not Life & Style because for some reason the magazine store decides that they don’t want to put it up, and write the lede to this post while munching on a delicious Fuji apple we bought from the Union Square farmer’s market earlier this week while thinking, “Damn this might be the best Fuji apple I’ve ever had.”

Star

One of my favorite things about tabloid covers are the little circles with one-to-two-word declarative statements like “CONFIRMED!” or “IT’S OFFICIAL!” because I sort of think that—because they’re separate blocks of text from the false claim—they’re used as legal loopholes? Like, “Oh, we weren’t saying ‘IT’S ON’ to the claim that Brad Pitt and Kate Hudson were fucking! We were just saying ‘IT’S ON’ generally!” But what do I know, I’m not a lawyer. I’m just some tool who reads the tabloids every week and thinks Brad Pitt and Kate Hudson make a great couple. Angelina Jolie reportedly thinks Kate’s a “nobody,” which A) isn’t true, as her mom is eleven billion times cooler and more famous than Angelina’s dopey famous dad, and B) Kate is a better actress than Angelina, who wasn’t even the best part of the movie she won an Oscar for, Girl Interrupted. (That honor goes to Winona Ryder, whose excellent performance was tragically overlooked. What a good movie tbh.) Here’s the best nugget from this story: “Brad and Kate had more sexy meetups at her Pacific Palisades mansion—though the gentlemanly Brad, a parent himself, would always wait until Kate’s two young sons…were asleep in bed.” Aw, sweet! What a good guy! I love this fake romance.

Also in this issues: a feature about bad moms, who they rudely label “MOMSTERS.” Madonna is a momster because of the way she treats Rocco (“Mama, don’t preach!” Star screams at her), Kate Beckinsale is a momster because she reportedly sends her 17-year-old daughter “nude photos of her father” Michael Sheen (excuse me, what?), and Kate Gosselin, Farrah Abraham, and Tori Spelling are momsters because fill in the blank. Speaking of ~~women behaving badly~~, Amy Poehler and Carol Burnett are “clashing big time” on the set of their new sitcom. Says a source, “Carol is already nixing storylines, demanding specific lighting and even dictating what’s on the craft services tables; Amy is at her wits’ end.” I’m not TV producer, but why…can’t…that…be…the sitcom?

Did you know Jessie J “gets her java jolt in the shower” and “sloughs away the winter doldrums with Frank Body Coffee Scrub?” And that it’s “composed of antioxidant-rich cacao coffee, nourishing coconut coffee, and nuts for gentle exfoliation”? No? Now you do.

In Touch

Wow, this is a very rude way to approach a mental health problem, even for In Touch. They call Kanye a “madman” in one paragraph, then attempt to diagnose him with bipolar disorder or schizoaffective disorder in another. After a long section in which they call him a “loose cannon” who has dirt on all the Kardashians, they posit that he “also might be very sick.” So a man who is confirmed to have been hospitalized for paranoia and anxiety problems….might be very sick. Interesting move, In Touch!

What else. Hmm, oh! Queen Elizabeth II has “banned” Prince Harry’s new girlfriend Meghan Markle from attending the Big Buckingham Christmas Bash (the BBCB) this December, so he’s gone to his father, Prince Chuckie Pants, to complain. Harry reportedly told his daddy that “grandmother is ruining his plans by banning Meghan,” but the Suits actress (what is Suits btw) is “taking it all in stride” because she “doesn’t want to cause any drama.” God I can’t wait for this wedding.

Here’s some more garb: James Spader’s “quirky and odd behavior” on the set of The Blacklist “is getting under everyone’s skin, especially co-star Megan Boone.” This story goes on for several dumb sentences before ending with a single good one: “To put it bluntly, they hate each other.”

P.S. I’m so excited to reveal the cover for my new novel! It’ll be published in May 2018.

OK!

Look! Another one! “IT’S OFFICIAL!” I love that one. Damn. Classic. Anyway, what’s official is the pregnancy of Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx. Or, just Katie Holmes. I don’t know why they did the whole “WE’RE PREGNANT” thing but to each their own, I guess, even if it’s a magazine presuming what their own might be. I’m confused? Sorry. Remember how a few weeks ago we heard Jamie and Katie fake broke up after three years of being fake together? Well apparently that was a big miscommunication between some KayJay insiders and the tabloids, because they are most definitely still close—so close that Jamie was able to, well, you know how pregnancy happens. Katie is “almost three months pregnant,” and Jamie is “thrilled to be moving forward after all this time together.” You know who else is thrilled? Suri! She “thinks a baby will be…fun to play with” and wants to name it Violet. And we all know Suri gets what she wants! Except her daddy. She can’t get that.

Oh god are we done yet? What the hell else is in this thing. Oh, Ariel Winter wore a bikini! She does this a lot, but each time it happens the tabloids are surprised. Guess what! She likes bikinis and will keep wearing them until all the ice on the planet melts and Earth becomes Waterworld, because she’ll be dead at the bottom of the sea. Unless she has gills, like Kevin Costner did in that movie. Am I having a stroke? Keith Urban’s friend says Nicole Kidman “is the key to Keith’s sobriety,” which made me say “aw” aloud. I like them. Jonah Hill has a “creepy crush” on Emma Stone, stares at her from across the room while they’re in meetings together, and that made me say “ew” aloud. Is my stroke over?

Yes! Because I was miraculously healed by this, the best interview of all time:

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