The Scariest Sex Toys We've Ever Seen [NSFW]

Earlier this month, we showed you the most precious vibrators around, ranging from snooty lint rollers to feathered rubber duckies. Now we’re going the other way: here are the creepiest sex toys we could find. To each her own, even if your own is a scorpion climbing out of a coffin or a (literally) shit-talking vibrator.

This vibrator “comes complete with a man’s voice giving various excuses for not wanting to perform for the user,” including “Sorry, I have to get up early tomorrow” and “Hell, can’t you get a real man?” Hot. [The Random Warehouse]

I’m only scared of two things in life: my impending mortality and small crawly creatures. So it’s hard for me to even look at this “Death By Orgasm 10 Speed Scorpion Bullet Vibrator,” which also CRAWLS OUT OF A COFFIN. What the fuck. [Love Honey]

Yes, these are dragon’s tongues. Yes, they are accompanied by fanfiction. An excerpt: “Don’t be afraid. I come out here to gaze at the stars myself. I wouldn’t mind a companion to ease away the isolation.” You’re startled to hear it speak—even more surprised as it edges closer to you and gently licks a salty tear from your cheek. The wet, warm tongue is idly comforting as it carefully mops your tears… and is unusually arousing as it curls slowly to lick your chin, teasing at your neck. “I could think of a few other ways to take our minds off of the loneliness…” it murmurs, lowering its head to sniff at your groin. That cautious sniffing, the hot scent of its hide and the warmth in your groin are starting to make you wonder if you were feeling lonely after all…” [Bad Dragon]

The “King Dong” measures 15 inches long and over 2 inches wide and is intended for “novelty use only.” Remember when I made that joke in the twee vibrators post about setting up a big dildo in your foyer? Here’s your guy. [Adam and Eve]

I’m not sure why I find this “Icicles No. 33 Glass Clitoral Vibrator with Rabbit Ears” so creepy. Maybe because I feel like it could turn me into a glacier with one cold swoop if it so desired. [Love Honey]

What else is there to say about a Baby Jesus butt plug? Virgin Mary and Shiva varieties are also available, among other sacred options. [Divine Interventions]

This is “Silikon Helmutt the German Sheppard” and I want it to go away now. [Yiffy Toys]

Here’s a “man eater from outer space” that looks like a Toy Story character, and he may seem rather innocuous after the last few options, but I still don’t trust him. [Good Vibrations]