The MTA Will Finally Chastise Men Whose Balls Need Three Seats

I have testicles, they’re fairly sizeable (physically, not metaphorically), and they don’t need a separate seat on the subway. In fact, no matter how big someone’s balls are (again, speaking from a purely physical standpoint), they will never need an extra seat. Yet some men continue to sit on the train as though they need two, or three, or four seats nonetheless, and the MTA is stopping this nonsense now.

Starting in January, the managing body in charge of New York City’s transportation will be launching an awareness campaign that targets men who think their balls are more deserving of seats than anyone else taking the subway at rush hour, BuzzFeed reported.

Of course, the MTA will likely not be targeting those who are actually suffering from elephantiasis (click for video!), but that is a rare condition that most men don’t have. And if they did, they probably wouldn’t be taking the subway, so none of these dudes have any excuse. Finally someone is going to tell them to close their legs and let other people sit. The MTA will also be targeting people who refuse to practice backpack courtesy. (TAKE YOUR BACKPACK OFF!)

Also, I am going to be real with you, sometimes balls smell and the last time I saw a guy spreading his legs wide on the train, the entire section was also overpowered with a sweat smell that could have been avoided had he not been peacocking and just closed his legs a little. Yes, people can smell your balls. No, usually it’s not wanted.

The MTA will be making use of signs, AM NY reported, and possibly making announcements in the trains. It’s going to be pretty hard to keep your legs parted as if they were letting every Jew in Egypt escape pharaoh between them, when a disembodied voice is reminding you to keep your balls in check.

So enjoy your “man spreading” while you can, man spreaders! Your era is over and soon you will have to sit like the rest of us: Not crushing our balls, but also not airing them out in public. (Like the dudes in the gym who will literally use the hand dryer for their giant testes. Why do you do that, old men at the gym? Can the MTA talk to you next?)