Fuck You, Dudes Who Sit With Their Legs Spread So Wide That They Take Up Two Seats (Your Dick Is Not That Big)

Illustration for article titled Fuck You, Dudes Who Sit With Their Legs Spread So Wide That They Take Up Two Seats (Your Dick Is Not That Big)

This is Fuck You Week, Jezebel's first annual week of desperate emotional cleansing and unhinged psychic purging.


Public transit! So many benefits! It's cheaper than owning a car and better for the environment, it offers up the best people watching opportunities and, if you take the train, you never have to deal with traffic. On the other hand: Public transit! What a fucking pain in the ass. It's crowded, people are often cranky or nuts and sometimes you get masturbated on. (Of course, getting masturbated on is one of the worst things that can happen to you in the subway or on a bus. It's not a mild inconvenience that you should just say "fuck you" towards than go about your business. It's a crime so feel free to report it or do whatever you need to to protect yourself.) One particularly obnoxious phenomenon of public transit comes in the form of a very specific type dude that transcends class, occupation, age and race — this is the dude who sits with his legs spread so far apart that he takes up multiple seats. And I'm here to say fuck you, dudes: there's no way that your dick is so huge that it needs an entire bench to itself. Also, I'm tired. Please let me sit down.

Let's talk about these fucking guys for a second because they're fucking everywhere. The MTA is full of them. They walk onto the train and sit down like it's their goddamn living room then spread their legs in a V so dramatic that it wouldn't be out of place in gynecologist's office. Why? Who the fuck knows? Maybe it has to do with straight up rudeness. They don't give a shit that there's a lady standing in front of them holding a baby or that an old lady with a walker who is actually wearing a shirt from an MS run who needs a seat (I recently saw this happen). They want to sit there and be comfortable and — don't you know? — there's no way a dude as macho as him can be expected to sit with his knees together. Haven't you heard that sitting like a normal person totally makes you gay?

It could also be peacocking. Maybe these fucking idiots think we women are impressed when they act like their penis is so fucking big that they can't even try to make room for you next to them on the bench. Because if there's one thing we ladies like, it's a monster dick the size of yule log (Happy Holidays!) and a man who won't offer us a seat because it makes him slightly uncomfortable.

Anyway, these dudes aren't going anywhere. They've been around forever (your pilgrim dick is not that big) and they'll stay around forever (your cyborg dick doubles as a gun), so all we — women, children, the vast majority of men who understand the basic concepts of space and sitting down — can do is quietly rage and occasionally work up the courage to ask you to move your fucking legs. But that doesn't mean we're not glaring at you with the power of a thousand fuck yous when we see you treat the service that we all pay the equal amount to use like it's your own fucking castle. Trust us, the major dick here is not in your pants — it's you. You're the fucking dick, so close your legs or go fuck yourself.



Do the people who place their bag/briefcase/purse/whateverthefuck on the seat next to them deserve the same contempt as wide-legged dudes? Or is fortifying one's seat position with bagged possessions an understandable strategy when facing an escalating threat of hostile seat-takeovers?