The good news: After 133 days, 21 hours and approximately 10,000 ill-advised thinkpieces, the Associated Press reports that primary season is finally over, my dudes.

The Obama family has settled on their post-White House residence, which means it’s time to pass judgment on their choice.

The White House has reportedly been put on lockdown after shots were fired nearby Friday afternoon. Initial reports indicated the shooting occurred on W. Executive Drive, the street located immediately next to the West Wing and inside the White House’s gates, but NBC News is now reporting, per police, that someone was…

Virginia McLaurin, the 107-year-old dancing kween who captured hearts back in February when she danced with the Obamas in the White House, is reportedly unable to obtain a government-issued photo ID.

A shooting has been reported at the U.S. Capitol Visitors Center; there are scant details right now, but local media are reporting that several people were injured and the shooter has been caught. U.S. Capitol employees are being told to shelter in place.

Washington D.C. police are investigating a report that a female student was raped by a male student on the campus of prestigious private school Sidwell Friends.

As the Obama presidency winds down, the First Family has a decision to make: Where are they going to live after the White House? Barack says that Sasha tipped the decision, and according to The Washington Post, they’ll be staying put:

As the National Weather Service warned of a snowstorm of “historic proportions,” the National Zoo’s panda, Tian Tian, went rolling in the snow. Sure, states of emergency have been declared in New Jersey, North Carolina, Maryland, Tennessee, Pennsylvania, Virginia, the District of Columbia, and New York, but the giant…

Much of the Eastern Seaboard is bracing for a big winter storm—especially Washington, D.C., where the National Weather Service has issued a blizzard watch starting Friday afternoon. Also scheduled for Friday afternoon: the annual anti-abortion “March for Life.”

On Tuesday night, for the last time, President Obama will address the state of the union under his presidency. The anti-gay Family Research Council has made sure that Kim Davis will be in the audience, along with her lawyer, Mat Staver of the equally disturbed-by-gayness Liberty Council.

A North Dakota man named Scott Stockert has been arrested after police received a tip that he had traveled to Washington DC with the intention of kidnapping either Bo, the First Dog of the United States, or Sunny, his less powerful sister (The patriarchy at work, am I right?).

I went to the White House this week, for the first and likely last time. Here is what I saw.

Last night, Kim Davis’s lawyer and an obscure Catholic magazine claimed that Kim Davis met with the Pope in Washington D.C last week. This morning, Davis told ABC she did totally meet with the Pope. It all sounded like bullshit, but indeed, the Vatican has briefly confirmed the meeting took place and that they don’t…