In a timely and brave show of solidarity with Christian Santa, 36 House Republicans signed onto a resolution Monday defending Christmas, a holiday that is basically illegal now. The resolution notes that the lawmakers “strongly disapproves of attempts to ban references to Christmas.”
In the true spirit of Jesus Christ’s favorite capitalist holiday, Billy Eichner and Will Ferrell ran the streets of New York City wearing onesies while attacking strangers with trivia questions about Christmas movies. Like, “Who’s the one American actress in Love Actually?”
It’s currently December 9. And, uh, has anybody seen our snow?
Add another one to Christmas’s long list of crimes: Not only are all those festive lights interfering with your sleep patterns, they’re also possibly fucking with your wifi. Happy holidays—hope you don’t have big Netflix plans!
The War on Christmas is ramping up: another large chain, H&M, plans to close its doors on one of the biggest shopping days of the year.
[Short, sharp whistle] Feet on the floor, soldiers in the war on Christmas! This morning, please look across the pond to the United Kingdom for an example of action that furthers our cause.
On Friday, October 30, I lurched into a Rite Aide looking for some orange streamers and fake spider webs to decorate my apartment appropriately for some Vincent Price viewing. What I found was appalling but not, I fear, surprising—the shelves short on spooky accessories, but already well-stocked with GODDAMN SANTAS.
You know it’s the doldrums of August when Fox News is already hyping up the War On Christmas. Are you worried yet? You should be!
Attention, attention, this is a War on Christmas special bulletin. Though it is fucking March and we should be turning our attention to sandals and sunglasses, there's a new radio station planning to play Christmas music YEAR-ROUND.
One Ohio man went to a bunch of trouble to ~disrupt~ all those tired nativity scene cliches, and his town has rewarded him with demands to take the whole thing down.
NEWS FROM THE WINTERY FRONT: This year, TGI Fridays decided to get into the holiday spirit with an unusual gimmick and introduced mistletoe-laden drones at several branches. One has already flown straight into someone's face. In other words, CHRISTMAS STRIKES BACK.
This year, Barbie won't be the most popular holiday gift for the little girls of America. Nope, she's been shoved off the winner's podium by those spotlight-stealing bitches from Frozen.
Like so many towns across America, Reading, Pennsylvania recently installed an official Christmas tree and lit it with great ceremony. Unfortunately, citizens say it is ass-ugly and they want another one, pronto.
Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever is coming, and there's nothing your or I or the Humane Society can do about it. With it comes an entire soundtrack of holiday songs, curated by Lifetime, available now from iTunes. God bless.
If Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas is Christianity's best hope for "saving" Christmas, Christmas is fucking toast. The dirty secularists have this thing in the bag. Na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye.
A species of piranha known as Pygocentrus palometa (maybe—"validity questionable," says Wikipedia) is reportedly responsible for a number of injuries to swimmers in Argentina on Christmas day. The area was experiencing a holiday heat wave, so people headed to the beach to cool off...and promptly got their toes chomped…
I don't know whether this brings the pseudo-debate about whether Santa is white or black to a close, but last night on the WWE, a black Santa Claus ("Good Santa") fought a white Santa Claus ("Bad Santa") and the black Santa won. I dunno — considering how the WWE is about as legitimate as Fox News and their supposed…
Maybe you're sick of reading about Fox News' Swarovski crystal anchorwoman Megyn Kelly and who can blame you. No one likes to see a network's singular reasonable seeming-pundit go full O'Reilly so quickly, but there you have it. This is just what Fox News does.
Remember last week when Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly insisted that Santa Claus was white? Well, it turns out that we should have been laughing this entire time because her comments were actually just a very well-constructed, not at all flawed and totally hilarious joke. Way to miss the punchline, IDIOTS.