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New York, 5:21 PM
Fri Dec 18
69 posts in the last 24 hours
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12/07/09
Thank you everyone that has shared their stories.
12/06/09
In addition the law enforcement response to sexual assaults puts victims in an uncomfortable spotlight in which they feel blamed in a way that victims of robbery, burglary, auto theft do not.
Unfortunately we can't stop what we don't acknowledge. I don't see social perception of rape changing any time soon.
And so I take the very, very unpopular stance that potential victims of sexual assault (particularly young women -- statistically so) MUST live with and acknowledge the reality that they are likely to be victimized in some way and they MUST learn how to avoid being victimized. You must learn to live in the REAL while fighting for the IDEAL.
Unfortunately we want to believe that predators don't exist so we are not prey. But the smart doe acknowledges that the wolves are out there.
I highly recommend Gavin deBecker's books The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift as required reading for everyone. You have intuition for a reason, learn not to overrule it in an attempt to be the polite young person that your parents insisted you be. That polite young person is more helpless than the doe in the meadow.
Fight for change in society. Fight for change in the perception of rape and other sexual assault crimes. But most of all learn to fight for your own safety until that change comes.
And change will come. Nowadays the street hassle I endured as a young teen girl is considered a danger and the police will look for guys driving around contacting young kids walking to school. Back then they couldn't care less. But times have changed.
Stay safe out there my young Athenas and Dianas and Aphrodites.
And young men need to know these things too.
12/06/09
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12/06/09
12/07/09
If you had read my entire post you would see that I advocate to change the system and cite one example in which that has helped to change society's attitudes and law enforcement's actions and reactions to common street hassle. That a 12 year old or 14 year old can call the police and tell them she was followed home from school and have law enforcement turn out en mass to try to find the predator that hassled her and having the schools warn the kids to be on the lookout and warn parents too is an enormous change just in my lifetime.
Keep working to change the system and keep working to keep yourself self are my two messages.
Your response to them is neither new, edgy or unpopular it is merely a kneejerk reaction that I knew at least one person would have when I wrote what I wrote.
WORK toward the IDEAL and LIVE in REALITY. By taking responsibility for your safety rather than relying on the kindness of strangers hopefully you will not be any kind of victim.
You lock the door of your home, don't you? Why would not take simple precautions to stay as safe as possible otherwise as well?
I also advocate that friends look out for one another. If you and your friends go out together then take care of one another. Don't leave your one very drunk girlfriend behind to find her way home alone. Sure she should be safe. But no one will blame you more than yourself if she comes home after having been assaulted or worse yet, doesn't come home at all.
And, if a woman or man is sexually assaulted the last thing in the world I would think of doing is blaming them. I would think they did the best they could to be safe and someone else the did best he (or she) did to harm them and the criminal is to blame for the crime.
But have it your way. What do I know other than studying psychology and biogenetics and sociopathic behavior for some years and worked with victims of trauma and met a few criminals that were incarcerated and in the process of being "re-educated". One of my college professors worked with one of her incarcerated "clients" for four years to get him to feel a little bit sorry for the family of the complete stranger he killed in a gang shooting. He still didn't feel sorry for his victim, though, because they guy shouldn't have been in his gang's territory. Then her program was cut. You know who blames the victims the most? The criminals who victimize them.
I hope you stay safe and this is only a philosophical/political/sociological discussion for you.
12/07/09
12/05/09
Our procedure is designed around the idea that rape and sexual assault, by definition, involve a loss of control, so any punitive measures must put control back in the hands of the victim. If a victim chooses to report sexual assault (and if they tell that information to an RA/housing director/etc, the RA has to report that a sexual assault took place, without giving any names, places or dates for the school's outside reporting capability) and chooses to name their attacker they have several options.
1) They can do nothing. They can just say, I'd like to be included in the statistics for this year's sexual assaults, but I'd also like to move on with my life.
2) They can elect to report the name of the student and take it no further than that. That way, if another student comes forward, the school has the original victim's name on file with the accusation, and can go back to her and ask if she wants to take it to a hearing in light of the new information. Sometimes, it's easier for victims to go through the trial along with someone else who's also grappling with the same issues.
3) They can elect to report the name and have the accused student come in. All the accused student is told is that there is an allegation of sexual assault against them (they are not told who made it, but most guess) and are essentially told to watch their ass because though the victim doesn't want to take it further, they will be watched closely from now on. Often, these students also elect to have "campus restraining orders" put in place: you can't talk to them, they can't talk to you, your friends can't talk to their friends.
4) They can choose to go to hearing. A hearing is in front of a committee of students and faculty, where the burden of proof is "more likely than not" (less sure than "clear and convincing"). If found guilty, there would have to be EXTREME circumstances for the assailant not to be expelled.
However, of course, it doesn't always work so neatly in practice. For instance, there was one case where several girls were assaulted on the same night by the same guy. While he was found guilty of the first three assaults, the fourth girl could remember literally nothing about the attack and her friends' memory of her assault was similarly hazy, while his friends contended they had taken him home by that point. It was, essentially, a he-said-she-said and there was no real proof either way so the committee was forced to find him not guilty of the offense.
The problem with college sexual assaults is they often go hand in hand with copious amounts of alcohol or drugs. These things make anyone and everyone's memories of the event fuzzy and it can be really difficult to come to the truth of the matter, which typically lies in a gray area. A lot of this thread is "Well, these guys that were DEFINITELY rapists were found not guilty" etc -- and while certainly, the goal of the process is to prosecute the assailants and find them guilty, all a judicial board has to go on is the evidence that is presented. And YES it sucks that if you were drunk and assaulted and you have no proof you may not get justice. But it also would suck to have a system that unjustly punished those who actually were innocent by taking the alleged victim's word as absolute fact.
I guess what I'm coming to here is that there is no perfect solution, for colleges or courts. It will always be hazy and it will always lead to some guilty people going free and some innocents unfortunately being convicted. From this thread, it's clear that there are a lot of abuses of power going on in college judicial systems, but I wouldn't unfairly paint all administrators with the same brush. Many do the best they can with their hands tied by the system that is designed to assume students are innocent until proven guilty.
12/05/09
12/05/09
Of course not. Obviously, that is not an ideal system for anyone -- indeed, any system that does anything but effectively punish the truly guilty and let free the truly innocent is inadequate. Unfortunately, I don't see how it's possibly to have a system that's ever adequate.
Our local DA almost always chooses not to prosecute rape cases where alcohol is involved -- proof beyond a reasonable doubt is difficult, if not impossible in such a case. So victims are encouraged to report to the school (and given the frank option of reporting to the police) -- not to punish them further but to spare them having to deal with a DA who will not take your case anywhere.
I am a fan of the fact that our committee on student conduct are hard-asses when it comes to any sort of assault, physical or sexual. Both typically lead (if found guilty) to suspension or expulsion without mitigating circumstances.
12/05/09
12/07/09
12/11/09
I do agree the responsibility for rape prevention needs to be on men rather than women, but I also acknowledge that women need to live in a world where that responsibility is put on women and live accordingly. And they need to learn HOW to live accordingly, even while working toward change in the system.
In our freshman orientation, mandatory sexual assault stuff, they tell the boys, very frankly, that it's unfair that if two people get drunk and have sex, the man is more at risk for being accused of rape. And they say yeah, it's unfair that even more than women, you have to be SURE that women consent if they're drunk. That's unfair but it's a fact, and it's told to them. Whether they internalize it is a different story.
I agree that arbitration seems an absurd sentence, and it confuses me that schools even use it. I'd be interested to see the rationale behind it - it wouldn't work here, that's for sure. Unless the victim suggested it as a way THEY wanted to work through something it would never happen - in many ways, our system is designed to minimize contact between a victim and her accuser.
We do, however, in our committee proceedings, require that a victim (who will obviously serve as the accusing student/a witness in the case) speak in front of the accused student. This is tough, if not impossible, but is also one of those things, legally, that we can't get around. Since our system doesn't involve lawyers (only campus advocates) and the accused student does have the right, codified in our bylaws, to confront any witnesses the college has against them, there is no way to create a proceeding where the victim has no contact with her accuser.
As to why victims choose to report to the school rather than the police - the same reason that theft is a crime, but if you think someone in your dorm stole your iHome, you tell campus security and not the local police. Colleges present enclosed communities which have their own judges, juries and executioners (as the case may be). Yes, it's a crime, but honestly? At least in my area, you're more likely to get some semblance of justice if you're raped while drunk if you go through the school and not the DA.
12/05/09
The situation was terribly confusing for me at the time? Was I raped if I climaxed? I can honestly say my mind was feeling disgusted, but physically my body was brought to the point of arousal.
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12/05/09
The next semester, another student was raped by a different student. She chose to report the rape directly to her RA, the director of housing, and the dean instead of filing a formal police report. She was handled much differently, told that she could face consequences for the fact that alcohol was involved in her assault (she was underage). The accused rapist was allowed to meet informally with the assistant dean to talk things out man-to-man. It was chalked up to a case of "boys will be boys". She was told to speak to to the school's campus ministry department for "support". The accused was encouraged to find off-campus housing, the victim was told not to go to parties any more.
It's amazing how differently universities will handle rape cases when they're in the public spotlight from the beginning.
12/05/09
12/05/09
Dear news, lets please start talking about HOW COLLAGE BOYS ARE RAPING WOMEN LEFT AND RIGHT!
12/05/09
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12/05/09
These judges are what make me daydream of a contained little French Revolution (read bloody redistribution of power) within the modern judicial branch. off with heads. [not too much crayzeez i hope?]
12/05/09
One of the rapists in the Our Guys case went on to join the military and serve in Afghanistan, with the knowledge of the military. The waiver system strikes again! Anyway, his wife filed for divorce---I can't imagine why, I'm sure a guy who raped a developmentally-disabled girl is such a catch!---and he tried to kill her and her new boyfriend. Luckily, he only offed himself.
And his dad was a cop.
12/05/09
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12/05/09
Rape is rape. But the "getting away" with rape I think comes more from a gross misunderstanding of sexual assault by both men and women than any sort of crime spree that is going unchecked.
Murder is pretty straightforward and it leaves a body. Rape on the other hand leaves a living, breathing, speaking witness. No one quibbles that murder victim was really killed (once the death has been ruled as such), but people argue constantly whether or not people are raped. No murder can stand up and say, "oh, it wasn't murder because I didn't KNOW that she/he didn't want to be murdered."
Until we educate both men and women on what sexual assault is - we'll always have an epidemic or rapists. Or, boys will learn to be rapists and that nothing will happen to them for it as you put it.
12/05/09
12/05/09
And men cling to a standard of rape that omits them, their buddies, and their relatives. Curious, that.
12/05/09
For example, if someone stole my car and I reported it to the police, they would not only believe that I had a car to steal, but they wouldn't believe that I gave the car to the car thief only to later report it as a theft. If a woman says "I was raped," then she was raped. I don't really understand why people don't understand that the only proof we need that a crime occurred is the victim's statement that a crime occurred. If someone punches me in the face, and admits to punching me in the face, it's still assault even if he thought I wanted to be punched in the face. I mean, it's not like I walk around telling people "No! I am clearly stating No--I do NOT want you to punch me in the face! I do not consent to face punching!" How is rape any different?
Actually I know how it's different. It's different because it's the men doing the raping and the women getting raped, and since a man's belief that not saying No is the same thing as saying Yes when it comes to women and sex, "having sex" with a woman is not rape. It's like, so many men think that what they consider sex could not be rape, ever. Like, if the dude thought they were having sex, then it was sex--even if the woman thought it was rape. Why do we privilege the male point of view? Why not believe a woman when she says she was assaulted? It's because women's bodies are assumed to be For Sex--we are in a constant state of consent. For what other crime is "[victim] didn't say no" a reasonable defense? I don't tell robbers not to break my window and take my stuff, but everyone agrees that's still a crime. I don't tell drunk drivers not to hit my car when they're wasted and driving--can that driver assume that since I never actually told him not to hit my car that it isn't a crime because, since I never said no, I clearly wanted to get hit by a car?
You know that "marked" and "unmarked" thing--like the way women not-wearing make up to work is a noticeable thing rather than wearing make up, despite the fact that wearing make up is the act while not wearing it is that absence of action? That's kind of what women's bodies are like. Our natural, assumed state is consenting to sex with whoever wants it; in order to mark ourselves as un-consenting, we need to actively take steps to prove our un-consent. Maybe we should all get tattoos right above our vaginas that say something like, "Do Not Enter Unless Otherwise Advised."
12/06/09
12/07/09
12/07/09
12/07/09
12/07/09
Word. I wonder how men would feel if every man they met assumed they had access to their assholes unless they made it really, really clear that they did not.
12/07/09
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12/08/09
12/05/09
12/04/09
FERPA is a blessing and a curse. I can't even reveal if a student is living with us because that would reveal private student information (living in housing or not living in housing can be viewed as private student information legally). I basically think of every person asking me for student information like they are my student's stalker. That's how seriously I take this. So, open proceedings for any sort of judicial case is a no-no because it's illegal. It stinks. I also have to treat all students the same, even if I think they are a rapist and I want them out. If there is not enough evidence to arrest a student or if the incident happens off campus, sometimes we have to finagle getting the accused to agree to move until they go through the judicial process (they can also agree to the terms that the first judicial officer sets for them without asking to go to the board, basically they would rather just not fight the university, sometimes they do this when it's a pretty clear-cut case and they're happy the victim chose this and not actually going to court, sometimes they choose this when they are going to court and they don't want to have to deal with the school as well). This can be sticky. Victims come to me and say, "Why isn't he kicked out, why are you just moving him? Don't you believe me?" In one case, the accused student refused to move. Then we had to move the victimized student. This made me mad but there wasn't much I could do until he went through the judicial process, eventually he was given the heave-ho, but it took a week and a half and we didn't want the victim anywhere near him. Sometimes I just want to tell the student, "I believe you so much on a personal level, but we can't do away with the process because of my belief in your story. No matter the outcome, that doesn't mean that you weren't raped and you aren't telling the truth." I can't and it sucks. Sometimes, I have to deal with raping rapists and treat them like my other students and it makes my skin crawl. I was talking to our judicial officer today and he was saying that we have tripled the number of rape cases reported to us in the last two years. They were thinking of this as something to celebrate because they know it represents that students trust us enough to come forward. He saw it as a victory to expel more rapists. I have to say, I did too. I guess that's a bright spot, right?
12/05/09
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12/04/09
We were chatting, and he let his hand brush against my chest a few times - whether this was on purpose or accidental, I couldn't tell. Then he put his hand on my inner thigh, only about 1 or 2 centimetres away from my crotch, and then started going on about "sometimes, stuff like this doesn't hurt people" (he had, and still has, a girlfriend). I was incredibly uncomfortable and shocked. For about ten minutes I tried to pretend it wasn't going on, even as his hand remained there and started massaging my thigh. Then I tried to gently tell him that no, stuff like this DOES hurt people. He didn't listen. Then I just told him to stop and get out. He left.
So, was what happened just incredibly unpleasant, or is this assault? What's stupid though, is that I feel guilty about it - I feel like somehow, I should have just immediately told him to GTFO and my failure to do so was some kind of... I don't know, internalised weakness on my part? He apologised the next day, but still hasn't spoken to me at length about it - according to a mutual friend, he's too busy doing 'damage control' with the girlfriend, whom he told. I don't know whether to just give up on saving this friendship or not? While we were really good friends, seriously: we were best friends for a year and a half before he started dating this girl, but for some reason he seems to think she's the one who needs reassurance that he's not a sleazy douchebag.
12/05/09
You had someone in your room who you knew well.
He was drunk, you were not.
He asked to cuddle, you assented.
He touched your breasts, you didn't verbally object, respond or move away.
He put his hand on your inner thigh. You didn't verbally object, respond or move away.
He started massaging your inner thigh, you expressed discomfort. When he continued, you asked him to leave, and he left.
Listen, I'm all for setting the bar very, very low when it comes to defining sexual 'assault', but when you told him to bugger off, he left. Was he being an insensitive (and cheating) jerk? Absolutely yes.
But you must stick up for yourself - people can not read your mind, especially when they are hammered. Did you make a mistake in not jumping up immediately and telling him to stop it? I don't think so - based on your past relationship you thought he would realize the inappropriate nature of his behavior and stop - but when you realized he wasn't going to do that, you spoke up. And he stopped.
This sounds like it was an unpleasant learning experience, both about this (now-former) friend, and about drawing the line at what you find tolerable.
Obviously he knows he crossed some line, that's why he fessed up to the GF.
And stop beating yourself up about it - you did the right thing, and I doubt there will be a 'next time' scenario to compare this against because you won't let that happen. The worst part about these things is the self-doubt. But you did everything right. Just keep speaking up.
12/04/09
Anyone who has shared your story here -- I'd love to hear more. Currently, we are looking for rape victims who have dealt with difficult circumstances at New England colleges. If you're comfortable with sharing your story, send me a private message.
#tips
12/04/09
12/04/09
Of course I emailed the police chief a somewhat huffy email about these results--I go to a school whose undergraduate college is widely known as a party school, and there's a huge greek presence, and it's just exactly the type of place where you know rape is a big problem. The police chief totally made my life when he wrote back, cc'd his response to the full-time woman who the school hired to deal with sexual assault on campus. He apologized for the low number, saying he knew it was an inaccurate reflection of actual statistics, but that they only count incidents that are officially filed by a student. He told me they were working very hard on educating students about rape, and about making it easier for female students to report and prosecute. There is a special division of the police/security department devoted to this, and he told me about several clubs (including a men's club--the "how can we stop rape?" kind, not the MRA kind) about sexual assault, from violence prevention to survivor assistance. And they currently are running an ad campaign about not raping women--how to prevent rape like, "She was drunk, so I decided not to have sex because that would have been rape. So I chose not to rape her. You should also not rape people, men." (NB: not exact ad copy)
It was refreshing.
12/04/09
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12/04/09
Though it was never determined through a breathalyzer, several people (including a SECURITY GUARD) commented on how drunk I appeared that night. My rapist was sober, and that's according to his account.
I kept telling him, "No, don't you love your girlfriend?" (this guy is a real winner, folks). While I was getting fed up with his advances, I didn't think he was going to rape me. He was my friend. I didn't want to hurt his feelings (!)
Eventually I DID get up and leave, but not before the damage had already been done.
11 months (ALMOST A YEAR) later, I finally had my trial through the school. I was given a week to go and read both of our testimonies and prep for the trial.
However, I could only read these by myself in a closed room with no one to talk to as I read in detail my sobbing explanation and his out-of-his-ass excuses, including the insulting idea that I had actually come on to him and followed him back to his dorm while demanding that he break up with his girlfriend and date me instead. Also, I could only go during hours that the office were open, which was from 8 in the morning until 4, Monday through Friday.
I don't know about you, but my cup of tea isn't getting up and reading about my own rape first thing in the morning. I also couldn't go until my classes were over for the day since I was usually shaking and crying and needed at least an hour before I could even start to think about something else. This left me about two hours every day to go and torture myself.
Oh by the way, I was still going to classes during this time too. One of which I shared with my rapist. Thanks guys for putting my rapist in my required class that he doesn't need! I appreciate the support!
My three witnesses found out about the trial one hour before it happened. The school is supposed to give them 24 hours. My rapist's witness was notified 24 hours before the trial.
During the trial, I sobbed through my story while my SAINT of an adviser sat next to me. I was told that my rapist could be in a separate room at first. When I told the administration that I would MUCH prefer this option, I was discouraged from the idea until we compromised on being in the same room with a white sheet of paper separating us.
During the trial, one of the jurors (who happened to be the anthropology teacher my rapist and I shared for that quarter) asked one of my witnesses how she felt about taking me to the hospital. She said, "So after all the trauma your friend had been through, you still felt compelled to force her to go to the hospital to endure even MORE trauma?!" To this day my friend still deals with that horrible, irresponsible accusation.
I could keep going here. There are so many more details about this that are fucked up. But here's the jist: I told a group of people, including my rapist, intimate details about my drunkenness, repeat refusals and having to fish a tampon out of myself that had been forced up too far for me to reach. And they still said that he was, beyond a reasonable doubt, not responsible.
I hope they're NOT able to tell the other women he assaulted/assaults the same thing.
This was, by the way, just one of MANY cases that year that the school handled inappropriately. It's great that they're getting better and changing their policies (after we essentially forced them to). But that doesn't change what happened to me.
I want an apology, dammit.
12/04/09
12/04/09
What an incredibly frustrating experience on top of the horrifying rape. But you didn't give up or drop the case --you have a lot to be proud of.
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12/04/09
Easier for them-- give the victim an option she won't take, then we can say we tried, wipe our hands, and walk away.
12/04/09
I can also understand the appeal of getting a face to face conversation with one's attacker. A criminal trial doesn't afford me the opportunity to demand an explanation from my attacker - mediation does.
12/04/09
12/04/09
I basically got a "these things happen, you have to be more careful" speech and a half-hearted offer of counseling. I just went back to my boyfriend and pretended like it didn't happen.
That's an good point you have though-- mediation probably should be an option. It might be useful for someone and nothing should be ruled out.
12/04/09
The sad thing is, they were probably right about the odds of success. As much as I would have defended your right to a hearing, I probably would have warned you how awful it would be. The rules in a hearing aren't like in court. Accusers and board members are allowed to - and believe me they do - ask some incredibly insensitive and offensive questions. We still tend to think rape = scary man jumping out of the bushes with a knife. Even some otherwise enlightened individuals can't wrap their heads around rape within a relationship, especially one that has involved consensual sex.
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