I was raped my first semester of college. I didn't report it, mostly because I went through a deep denial. If I didn't admit to myself or anyone that I was raped, then it didn't happen, right? It wasn't until 5 years later, when I was participating in a production of The Vagina Monologues, that the floodgates opened, and I began to heal.
Schools that rightfully treat sexual assault as the CRIME it is, rather than some awkward social misunderstanding, end up having to report sexual assaults in the crimes on campus statistics. Knowledge of how prevalent sexual assault is on campus might scare Mommy and Daddy and keep them from sending their kids to the schools that report high numbers (or any numbers) of sexual assaults on campus.
In addition the law enforcement response to sexual assaults puts victims in an uncomfortable spotlight in which they feel blamed in a way that victims of robbery, burglary, auto theft do not.
Unfortunately we can't stop what we don't acknowledge. I don't see social perception of rape changing any time soon.
And so I take the very, very unpopular stance that potential victims of sexual assault (particularly young women -- statistically so) MUST live with and acknowledge the reality that they are likely to be victimized in some way and they MUST learn how to avoid being victimized. You must learn to live in the REAL while fighting for the IDEAL.
Unfortunately we want to believe that predators don't exist so we are not prey. But the smart doe acknowledges that the wolves are out there.
I highly recommend Gavin deBecker's books The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift as required reading for everyone. You have intuition for a reason, learn not to overrule it in an attempt to be the polite young person that your parents insisted you be. That polite young person is more helpless than the doe in the meadow.
Fight for change in society. Fight for change in the perception of rape and other sexual assault crimes. But most of all learn to fight for your own safety until that change comes.
And change will come. Nowadays the street hassle I endured as a young teen girl is considered a danger and the police will look for guys driving around contacting young kids walking to school. Back then they couldn't care less. But times have changed.
Stay safe out there my young Athenas and Dianas and Aphrodites.
@Tart of Darkness: Nothing is going to change if we keep putting the responsibility of rape prevention on the potential victims, instead of the perpetrators. Being safe and realizing what fear is and learning to accept it and use it to guide you out of unsafe situations should be taught to everyone-regardless of gender. You have good points but I hate that even potentially helpful books like The Gift of Fear STILL put the responsibility on the victim-and once you go down that road victim blaming becomes very easy.
@Tart of Darkness: You do realize though that if we actually worked to end rape by making men accountable, we wouldn't have to put the emphasis of being "safe" on the victim, right? Your stance isn't new,edgy, or unpopular-it's a variation on the very old "well you should have done x,y, and z" prevention tactics that just. don't. work.
@5ft of fury: Educating men hasn't worked very well either. Even putting them in jail hasn't worked. In fact it often makes the men who are jailed for sexual assault even angrier than before because they have antisocial twisted minds that make them feel like they are actually the victims of the assaults they perpetrate. The man who killed four cops in Washington state was jailed for rape among other things and was out on bond for child rape. Clearly this is a man not big on taking responsibility for his actions. Numbers vary but some experts put the number of people in the population who are sociopathic to some degree at as high as 25%. When you try to teach sociopaths to have empathy for other people or compassion for others, then simply don't get it. For them, a woman or man that they desire sexual is an impersonal object that they use without remorse or regret. Educating them is a waste of breath.
If you had read my entire post you would see that I advocate to change the system and cite one example in which that has helped to change society's attitudes and law enforcement's actions and reactions to common street hassle. That a 12 year old or 14 year old can call the police and tell them she was followed home from school and have law enforcement turn out en mass to try to find the predator that hassled her and having the schools warn the kids to be on the lookout and warn parents too is an enormous change just in my lifetime.
Keep working to change the system and keep working to keep yourself self are my two messages.
Your response to them is neither new, edgy or unpopular it is merely a kneejerk reaction that I knew at least one person would have when I wrote what I wrote.
WORK toward the IDEAL and LIVE in REALITY. By taking responsibility for your safety rather than relying on the kindness of strangers hopefully you will not be any kind of victim.
You lock the door of your home, don't you? Why would not take simple precautions to stay as safe as possible otherwise as well?
I also advocate that friends look out for one another. If you and your friends go out together then take care of one another. Don't leave your one very drunk girlfriend behind to find her way home alone. Sure she should be safe. But no one will blame you more than yourself if she comes home after having been assaulted or worse yet, doesn't come home at all.
And, if a woman or man is sexually assaulted the last thing in the world I would think of doing is blaming them. I would think they did the best they could to be safe and someone else the did best he (or she) did to harm them and the criminal is to blame for the crime.
But have it your way. What do I know other than studying psychology and biogenetics and sociopathic behavior for some years and worked with victims of trauma and met a few criminals that were incarcerated and in the process of being "re-educated". One of my college professors worked with one of her incarcerated "clients" for four years to get him to feel a little bit sorry for the family of the complete stranger he killed in a gang shooting. He still didn't feel sorry for his victim, though, because they guy shouldn't have been in his gang's territory. Then her program was cut. You know who blames the victims the most? The criminals who victimize them.
I hope you stay safe and this is only a philosophical/political/sociological discussion for you.
@Tart of Darkness: Your entire post comes off as defensive and at best, terribly naive. You say that sociopathy is estimated to be as high as 25%? I think the DSM would disagree with you, although I would be interested to see the study you're quoting if you want to PM me. I understand that educating a sociopath about empathy is a waste of time-I just don't believe that most rapists are sociopaths who hide in dark alleys to rape women coming home from a bar. I don't really think criminals give a damn or any thought to their victims, aside from victimizing them. The more a criminal engages in an act, particularly sexual assault, the more often he dehumanizes his victims and all women. Education of men is a relatively new concept in rape preventation, so it does seem likely that early studies highlighting it's effectiveness would indicate that it's not as effective as say, shooting every person convicted of pedophilia and sexual assault execution style. Since you feel the need to bring in your experience to validate your claims, let me share my experience with you. I was raped. By someone I knew (your "keep yourself safe" rhetoric doesn't seem to account for the fact that 90% of all rapes-most of them that go unreported-occur from someone the victim knows). I also knew that because we had had a prior relationship and he didn't beat me to hell during the assault, the chances of him getting convicted were slim to none. Eventually I worked up the nerve to go through my school, and they told me that their hands were tied. My parents wound up slut shaming me when I told them. I had various friends telling me what I did wrong. The school therapist began talking about the assault by asking me what I was wearing the night of the assault. And my story is not uncommon. You know who blames victims the most? Society, partially because we are still fed messages that women's bodies are up for everyone else's consumption, and partially because people do not want to confront the reality of rape. The reality is that no matter WHAT safety precautions you take, if a man (and often it's someone you know and trust) decides to rape, and you have the bad luck to be with him, you're going to be raped. Which is why we need to educate men and get men to actively stop rape and rape culture, not encourage women to become paranoid.
I am so proud of my own school but I do not believe it is perfect. At my preppy little LAC, we have an extremely forceful bring down the hand of God kind of sexual assault procedure, but I have no doubt that occasionally, individuals fall through the cracks.
Our procedure is designed around the idea that rape and sexual assault, by definition, involve a loss of control, so any punitive measures must put control back in the hands of the victim. If a victim chooses to report sexual assault (and if they tell that information to an RA/housing director/etc, the RA has to report that a sexual assault took place, without giving any names, places or dates for the school's outside reporting capability) and chooses to name their attacker they have several options.
1) They can do nothing. They can just say, I'd like to be included in the statistics for this year's sexual assaults, but I'd also like to move on with my life.
2) They can elect to report the name of the student and take it no further than that. That way, if another student comes forward, the school has the original victim's name on file with the accusation, and can go back to her and ask if she wants to take it to a hearing in light of the new information. Sometimes, it's easier for victims to go through the trial along with someone else who's also grappling with the same issues.
3) They can elect to report the name and have the accused student come in. All the accused student is told is that there is an allegation of sexual assault against them (they are not told who made it, but most guess) and are essentially told to watch their ass because though the victim doesn't want to take it further, they will be watched closely from now on. Often, these students also elect to have "campus restraining orders" put in place: you can't talk to them, they can't talk to you, your friends can't talk to their friends.
4) They can choose to go to hearing. A hearing is in front of a committee of students and faculty, where the burden of proof is "more likely than not" (less sure than "clear and convincing"). If found guilty, there would have to be EXTREME circumstances for the assailant not to be expelled.
However, of course, it doesn't always work so neatly in practice. For instance, there was one case where several girls were assaulted on the same night by the same guy. While he was found guilty of the first three assaults, the fourth girl could remember literally nothing about the attack and her friends' memory of her assault was similarly hazy, while his friends contended they had taken him home by that point. It was, essentially, a he-said-she-said and there was no real proof either way so the committee was forced to find him not guilty of the offense.
The problem with college sexual assaults is they often go hand in hand with copious amounts of alcohol or drugs. These things make anyone and everyone's memories of the event fuzzy and it can be really difficult to come to the truth of the matter, which typically lies in a gray area. A lot of this thread is "Well, these guys that were DEFINITELY rapists were found not guilty" etc -- and while certainly, the goal of the process is to prosecute the assailants and find them guilty, all a judicial board has to go on is the evidence that is presented. And YES it sucks that if you were drunk and assaulted and you have no proof you may not get justice. But it also would suck to have a system that unjustly punished those who actually were innocent by taking the alleged victim's word as absolute fact.
I guess what I'm coming to here is that there is no perfect solution, for colleges or courts. It will always be hazy and it will always lead to some guilty people going free and some innocents unfortunately being convicted. From this thread, it's clear that there are a lot of abuses of power going on in college judicial systems, but I wouldn't unfairly paint all administrators with the same brush. Many do the best they can with their hands tied by the system that is designed to assume students are innocent until proven guilty.
@momentsofabsurdity My university follows a similar system. Unfortunately, it does not often work out so well. Because our campus is so small, it is more than likely that a victim will run into her attacker on campus (and probably has a class with them). Because most college rapes involve alcohol, they are often immediately considered a waste of time by the DA. Even with a supportive police presence on campus, there isn't much you can do by filing a complaint if the case isn't going to go anywhere. And many women on campus for whatever reason choose to go through the university instead. I sat in on talks to revamp our sexual assault disciplinary panel, and I'm still confused as to how our system actually works. On the one hand, the burden of proof is much lower. On the other hand, the penalities that can be enforced are exceedingly paltry. Suspension seems to be the maximum penalty-not expulsion. And you are right that there really is no justice in either system. However, I will always consider a system in which victims are further victimized and rapists "punished" by doing community service to be a joke and insulting to all rape victims.
@5ft of fury: However, I will always consider a system in which victims are further victimized and rapists "punished" by doing community service to be a joke and insulting to all rape victims.
Of course not. Obviously, that is not an ideal system for anyone -- indeed, any system that does anything but effectively punish the truly guilty and let free the truly innocent is inadequate. Unfortunately, I don't see how it's possibly to have a system that's ever adequate.
Our local DA almost always chooses not to prosecute rape cases where alcohol is involved -- proof beyond a reasonable doubt is difficult, if not impossible in such a case. So victims are encouraged to report to the school (and given the frank option of reporting to the police) -- not to punish them further but to spare them having to deal with a DA who will not take your case anywhere.
I am a fan of the fact that our committee on student conduct are hard-asses when it comes to any sort of assault, physical or sexual. Both typically lead (if found guilty) to suspension or expulsion without mitigating circumstances.
@momentsofabsurdity: I just think that we need to prosecute rape more, we need to make harsher sentences for rape even if the victim goes through the school rather than the DA's office. And we need to put the responsibility of rape prevention on men, where it belongs. There is just so much more that needs and has to be done. You get to a point where you can either throw up your hands and say "I give up, we have an imperfect system and this is the best it will get" or use your feelings of anger and hopelessness and channel it towards something.
@5ft of fury: I don't think the solution is throwing up our hands and giving up, but I also think acknowledging that there will never be a perfect system is doing that. We can work toward making our own system better, but there will always be a way to improve any system we design. That's just a fact.
I do agree the responsibility for rape prevention needs to be on men rather than women, but I also acknowledge that women need to live in a world where that responsibility is put on women and live accordingly. And they need to learn HOW to live accordingly, even while working toward change in the system.
In our freshman orientation, mandatory sexual assault stuff, they tell the boys, very frankly, that it's unfair that if two people get drunk and have sex, the man is more at risk for being accused of rape. And they say yeah, it's unfair that even more than women, you have to be SURE that women consent if they're drunk. That's unfair but it's a fact, and it's told to them. Whether they internalize it is a different story.
I agree that arbitration seems an absurd sentence, and it confuses me that schools even use it. I'd be interested to see the rationale behind it - it wouldn't work here, that's for sure. Unless the victim suggested it as a way THEY wanted to work through something it would never happen - in many ways, our system is designed to minimize contact between a victim and her accuser.
We do, however, in our committee proceedings, require that a victim (who will obviously serve as the accusing student/a witness in the case) speak in front of the accused student. This is tough, if not impossible, but is also one of those things, legally, that we can't get around. Since our system doesn't involve lawyers (only campus advocates) and the accused student does have the right, codified in our bylaws, to confront any witnesses the college has against them, there is no way to create a proceeding where the victim has no contact with her accuser.
As to why victims choose to report to the school rather than the police - the same reason that theft is a crime, but if you think someone in your dorm stole your iHome, you tell campus security and not the local police. Colleges present enclosed communities which have their own judges, juries and executioners (as the case may be). Yes, it's a crime, but honestly? At least in my area, you're more likely to get some semblance of justice if you're raped while drunk if you go through the school and not the DA.
I was in a situation with a guy where I had willingly disrobed, and started messing around with a guy I was dating (he was naked too). About halfway into fooling around, I had second thoughts, sat up, asked him to stop, and said I didn't feel like doing this anymore. He pushed me back and said it wasn't fair to get him so excited only to pull back again-- it made me sick, but he went to town with his fingers in my vagina and caused me to climax.
The situation was terribly confusing for me at the time? Was I raped if I climaxed? I can honestly say my mind was feeling disgusted, but physically my body was brought to the point of arousal.
@MakeMeSmile: Yes, you were assaulted, even if you did climax. It's actually not that uncommon for rape victims to climax, and to later feel bad about it. There has been some evidence that indicates that orgasming during unwanted sex is actually a protective measure your body undergoes to keep further physical damage, like vaginal tearing, from occuring.
@5ft of fury: Thank you for your response. I didn't know it's not uncommon for rape victims to climax, and very interesting about it being your bodies protective mechanism. It makes me very sad to think I walked away feeling so confused, but my gut knew it was wrong because I inheren't couldn't stand to be near him after this.
I am a senior in high school and preparing to go to college next year. This article reminded me that I have to check out the sexual assault policies of the schools I am applying to. It saddens me that there are so many horrifying stories on the comments of colleges failing to protect their students. However, I want to let you guys know that someone is learning from these stories. And I will be informing everyone I know.
I worked at a small, private, liberal arts college. One weekend, a female freshman was raped by a male freshman. She was encouraged by her friends to report the rape directly to the police first before notifying school officials. She did. The police contacted the dean of students of the university while they had the male student in custody and informed him of the accusations. The dean of students immediately barred the accused rapist from returning to campus without prior written permission and a security escort. He then convened a judicial panel of the university who read written statements by both the female student and the male student as well as a statement made by a detective. The male student was then informed that he was no longer welcomed on campus for any reason. He was not formally expelled pending the trial, but was told that the school took sexual assault allegations seriously and he would not be welcome back on campus regardless of any judicial decision. We all applauded the university for the serious nature by which they handled the allegations.
The next semester, another student was raped by a different student. She chose to report the rape directly to her RA, the director of housing, and the dean instead of filing a formal police report. She was handled much differently, told that she could face consequences for the fact that alcohol was involved in her assault (she was underage). The accused rapist was allowed to meet informally with the assistant dean to talk things out man-to-man. It was chalked up to a case of "boys will be boys". She was told to speak to to the school's campus ministry department for "support". The accused was encouraged to find off-campus housing, the victim was told not to go to parties any more.
It's amazing how differently universities will handle rape cases when they're in the public spotlight from the beginning.
@BowieCadmium: Isn't anybody sort of scared that there are all these rapists walking around free? That's what the result of all this is. These guys get away with rape. I'm sure some people know about it; that just encourages others. Boys are learning to be rapists and learning that nothing will happen to them for it, right on college campuses.
@Ginmar Rienne: This! And just think about how differently the nation would react to this story on the news if instead of "1 in 5 collage women are being raped" it read "collage boys are raping 20% of their female classmates".
Dear news, lets please start talking about HOW COLLAGE BOYS ARE RAPING WOMEN LEFT AND RIGHT!
@BowieCadmium: But what if he was cleared and hadn't done anything wrong? If they were saying regardless of what happened, just because someone made an accusation, he had to leave, that seems unfair.
@i.m.: Once you let one guy free and he gets away with it---and tells his buddies---it's a snowball. It just gets worse and worse. Tim Beneke interviewed convicted rapists and found that they had an entirely logical belief they'd get away with it.
@Sadako: I've seen guys 'cleared' of rape even though the rape was captured on video and the victim was clearly unconscious. Oh, and I've seen rapists 'cleared' because the victim was wearing a short skirt. So....
@Ginmar Rienne: Sometimes you read about these cases and you look at the behavior and the language of the judges who let these rapist kids off the hook and its like, 'Hi?Do you two already know each other? It seems like you're both in on the same secret rules: like the ol' boys rape club rules.'
These judges are what make me daydream of a contained little French Revolution (read bloody redistribution of power) within the modern judicial branch. off with heads. [not too much crayzeez i hope?]
@i.m.: Yeah, I've seen judges talk about this fine young man's future and how that would be compromised...! If there's anything more chilling than hearing that this future includes a career in the police force....!
One of the rapists in the Our Guys case went on to join the military and serve in Afghanistan, with the knowledge of the military. The waiver system strikes again! Anyway, his wife filed for divorce---I can't imagine why, I'm sure a guy who raped a developmentally-disabled girl is such a catch!---and he tried to kill her and her new boyfriend. Luckily, he only offed himself.
@Ginmar Rienne: Well, yeah but we don't know if that's what happened in Bowie's case. It seems like they could be punishing this guy for something he didn't do...
@Sadako: How on earth do you come to that sort of conclusion when the guy was handled with kid gloves and pats on the back from the dean? And the victim drop kicked aside?
@Sadako: Because women love the glamour of being a publicly scrutinized rape victim so much, because its not an incredibly expensive legal process or anything, and everyone is SOOOOOOOOO nice to them when they get raped and never blame them for being victimized or try to humiliate and shame them...also because some women (1 out of 5?) must really just be so absolutely villainous that they would actually ruin some poor innocent boy's academic career and even try to send him to jail on false accusations just to get him back for, what, making her pay on their first date? or maybe just as a goof?
@Ginmar Rienne: What I'm scared about is that women are being raped and men are raping them and no one understands that (p.s. I believe that women sexually assault men too, but that's a whole 'nother can of worms).
Rape is rape. But the "getting away" with rape I think comes more from a gross misunderstanding of sexual assault by both men and women than any sort of crime spree that is going unchecked.
Murder is pretty straightforward and it leaves a body. Rape on the other hand leaves a living, breathing, speaking witness. No one quibbles that murder victim was really killed (once the death has been ruled as such), but people argue constantly whether or not people are raped. No murder can stand up and say, "oh, it wasn't murder because I didn't KNOW that she/he didn't want to be murdered."
Until we educate both men and women on what sexual assault is - we'll always have an epidemic or rapists. Or, boys will learn to be rapists and that nothing will happen to them for it as you put it.
@Sadako: I wasn't directly involved with the situation, so I'm not sure what led to the decision to not allow the male student back on campus under any circumstances. I think it would be harsh for someone if the sexual assault never occurred and it was a false rape allegation, but I also feel that if the school went to that length then it felt satisfied that the allegation was not false. I was not entirely comfortable with the decision to bar him from campus without a conviction, but I also wasn't the victim and if I was I'm not sure I wold be entirely comfortable with him remaining there.
@BowieCadmium: Rape is only less straightforward because we live in a culture that doesn't believe women, and treats women's bodies as less important than men's, and that treats female bodies as the property of male bodies.
For example, if someone stole my car and I reported it to the police, they would not only believe that I had a car to steal, but they wouldn't believe that I gave the car to the car thief only to later report it as a theft. If a woman says "I was raped," then she was raped. I don't really understand why people don't understand that the only proof we need that a crime occurred is the victim's statement that a crime occurred. If someone punches me in the face, and admits to punching me in the face, it's still assault even if he thought I wanted to be punched in the face. I mean, it's not like I walk around telling people "No! I am clearly stating No--I do NOT want you to punch me in the face! I do not consent to face punching!" How is rape any different?
Actually I know how it's different. It's different because it's the men doing the raping and the women getting raped, and since a man's belief that not saying No is the same thing as saying Yes when it comes to women and sex, "having sex" with a woman is not rape. It's like, so many men think that what they consider sex could not be rape, ever. Like, if the dude thought they were having sex, then it was sex--even if the woman thought it was rape. Why do we privilege the male point of view? Why not believe a woman when she says she was assaulted? It's because women's bodies are assumed to be For Sex--we are in a constant state of consent. For what other crime is "[victim] didn't say no" a reasonable defense? I don't tell robbers not to break my window and take my stuff, but everyone agrees that's still a crime. I don't tell drunk drivers not to hit my car when they're wasted and driving--can that driver assume that since I never actually told him not to hit my car that it isn't a crime because, since I never said no, I clearly wanted to get hit by a car?
You know that "marked" and "unmarked" thing--like the way women not-wearing make up to work is a noticeable thing rather than wearing make up, despite the fact that wearing make up is the act while not wearing it is that absence of action? That's kind of what women's bodies are like. Our natural, assumed state is consenting to sex with whoever wants it; in order to mark ourselves as un-consenting, we need to actively take steps to prove our un-consent. Maybe we should all get tattoos right above our vaginas that say something like, "Do Not Enter Unless Otherwise Advised."
@Cimorene: I don't disagree with you at all which is why I was trying to make the point about murder versus rape, but what I meant when I said that we need to educate men and women on rape is - is just that. Women need to be educated in what sexual assault and rape is so that 1) they will not be afraid to report a rape (just like people generally aren't afraid to report murders, car crashes, or getting punched in the face) and 2) so that we will not have false rape allegations. Men need to be educated because of what Ginmar says. Men rape and will admit to it, just as long as you don't call it rape.
@Ginmar Rienne: Um, because they said they would be throwing him out regardless of the trial outcome? And what evidence that you have that he was handled with kid gloves if he was thrown out and asked not to return?
@i.m.: God, I am so not getting into this. I never said that women love making up rape stories, just that I was curious as to why this guy was automatically assumed to be a rapist by the school even without a trial. I don't think most women make rape up but our justice system doesn't work that way--i.e., that we believe every one on faith. But feel free to pretend to think that I said that a rape victim who got raped because a guy paid for her dinner on the first date is trying to ruin his academic career. It makes you sound very reasonable.
@Cimorene: 'Our natural, assumed state is consenting to sex with whoever wants it; in order to mark ourselves as un-consenting, we need to actively take steps to prove our un-consent. Maybe we should all get tattoos right above our vaginas that say something like, "Do Not Enter Unless Otherwise Advised."'
Word. I wonder how men would feel if every man they met assumed they had access to their assholes unless they made it really, really clear that they did not.
@Ginmar Rienne: I read it. But we don't know the details of Bowie's post because it's just a post, not a news story. It's not like we can break it down and know exactly what happened. Is it really so wrong of me to ask if it's fair to expel a male student who may not have committed rape?
@Sadako: So...you're assuming that, what, the woman was lying? You're assuming that the guy didn't do it. Given the statistics on rape....it's kind of unlikely. Or that it was unjust? The Uni took it seriously. They tossed him out. You're assuming that this is some kind of horrible injustice as well as taking the attitude that he didn't rape anybody. Obviously the uni---which talked to the guy and the victim----thought differently. Do you think the woman was lying? Do you think the guy was innocent? With a little fancy writing, he can cover it up on his resume. He didn't go to trial or jail. For him? That's a win. Or is it only real rape to you if there's a trial and witnesses and videotape?
@Ginmar Rienne: No, my point is that we don't know. If someone tells me they were raped I'm not going to ask for a trial before I sympathize with them. But if a guy is accused of rape we can't assume that just because he's accused that he did it. That's not how the justice system works.
I think it's my school's policy to send out a student body-wide email when a rape is reported. I know that I got an email a couple of months ago (and later an apology about some of the phrasing in said email and the fact that it was sent at all, requested by feminist and human rights groups on campus). Yet, there's only been one email. And even though there are only about 3,000 women at this school, I feel like someone was probably raped since then. And I don't know if it just wasn't reported or if the administration chose not to make it public (because of the backlash after the first email or for different reasons).
I'm sorry for anyone that has dealt with nasty administrators in sexual assault proceedings. I work as a housing professional and lots of this stuff sucks and to some extent when it comes to student confidentiality, our hands are tied. On my campus, if a student reports a sexual assault to any of us, we are required to report that to university police. I'm suppose to let students know that I have to report what they are saying and convince them to stay in my office to make a report. As soon as I believe that the student is even trying to say that they were raped, I'm suppose to stop them from telling their story or ask them to write things down for the police. I have to call UPD (University Police Department) and tell them to get over to my office as soon as possible. The university wants us to do this so we avoid a few things, being called into court to testify (one of my coworkers had to do this before the rapist finally settled once it was obvious he was a raping bastard to himself and the jury), lawsuit against the university for mishandling a student's case, to make sure that UPD has the best interview possible in case the student later on decides to go to court and to make sure that we have on record with UPD (usually our judicial officer is present too) exactly what the student is accusing the other student of. I've seen students arrested in ten minutes after a report was made. If a student is arrested, he/she will be kicked out of housing pretty much immediately. It's pretty clear cut, we don't have the same standard to meet that the law does and we can boot a student who we can prove violated our policies in our buildings and we will if the police have a strong enough case to arrest and book a student. They can fight it, but they have to do that while they aren't living in our halls. I've never seen a student actually come back into the halls after a rape accusation was made, I would assume that our head honcho would rather give them their money back than ever let them back into our residence halls. After being booted from housing the student will have to go through the suspension/expulsion process with the University. I have no idea what happens there. I do know that out of the three that I've seen in the last year, two students were expelled and in the third case, the victim was happy with the student being removed from housing and didn't want to go with his case to the expulsion/suspension process because the accused was fighting the punishment set forth by the judicial officer on the sexual assault charge. When rapists fight the school's judicial officer's decisions or the victim would rather do a hearing, I believe the closed hearing is with our judicial officers, the V.P. of the University, a few professors, a student delegate a UPD officer to see if any information is revealed in the process and possibly the President of the university. The students can appeal to the Chancellor's office and the statewide hearing process. All of it is closed. Many people don't realize how much legally we cannot reveal about students.
FERPA is a blessing and a curse. I can't even reveal if a student is living with us because that would reveal private student information (living in housing or not living in housing can be viewed as private student information legally). I basically think of every person asking me for student information like they are my student's stalker. That's how seriously I take this. So, open proceedings for any sort of judicial case is a no-no because it's illegal. It stinks. I also have to treat all students the same, even if I think they are a rapist and I want them out. If there is not enough evidence to arrest a student or if the incident happens off campus, sometimes we have to finagle getting the accused to agree to move until they go through the judicial process (they can also agree to the terms that the first judicial officer sets for them without asking to go to the board, basically they would rather just not fight the university, sometimes they do this when it's a pretty clear-cut case and they're happy the victim chose this and not actually going to court, sometimes they choose this when they are going to court and they don't want to have to deal with the school as well). This can be sticky. Victims come to me and say, "Why isn't he kicked out, why are you just moving him? Don't you believe me?" In one case, the accused student refused to move. Then we had to move the victimized student. This made me mad but there wasn't much I could do until he went through the judicial process, eventually he was given the heave-ho, but it took a week and a half and we didn't want the victim anywhere near him. Sometimes I just want to tell the student, "I believe you so much on a personal level, but we can't do away with the process because of my belief in your story. No matter the outcome, that doesn't mean that you weren't raped and you aren't telling the truth." I can't and it sucks. Sometimes, I have to deal with raping rapists and treat them like my other students and it makes my skin crawl. I was talking to our judicial officer today and he was saying that we have tripled the number of rape cases reported to us in the last two years. They were thinking of this as something to celebrate because they know it represents that students trust us enough to come forward. He saw it as a victory to expel more rapists. I have to say, I did too. I guess that's a bright spot, right?
@Jenloveshercurves: I don't want you to think I'm personally attacking you, because I think that you have the right intentions. However, we both know that what is being done right now is not enough. It simply isn't. Which is why, as a woman, as a college student, and as a rape survivor, I'm not going to let you or any other college administrator off the hook because of FERPA. If the law isn't working, we need to change the law. If the private arbitration method is leading to rapists getting a slap on the wrist (if that) then there is a serious problem. More needs to be done, specifically universities need to target men. I remember the "don't get yourself raped" seminar that freshmen women at my school had to attend. Until universities start actively and proactively educating men and enacting harsher sentences for a CRIME (I'm sorry but a fucking semester of social probation for sexual assault? Or a research paper for exposing one's self? That is ridiculous), nothing is going to change. Especially not when the university operates with the end goal being "make this problem go away" rather than "a serious crime occured on our campus-what steps do we legally need to follow, and how can we prevent it from happening again?". Also, I'm sure that you know that it is ultimately NOT in the school's best interest to just hope that the victim will drop the complaint or transfer after being forced to see her attacker day after day, go through a mystifying and often degrading arbitration process, and in some cases be moved or still have to live in the same dorm. I'm a college student and I know that if a university doesn't give two shits about their female population (and from the responses here, it is clear that most don't), the one thing they hate are lawsuits. Under Title IX, schools engaging in these shady arbitration methods really DO have something to worry about. I just hate that getting involved in a lengthy and expensive lawsuit is the only way women can hold their universities (where EVERY student, regardless of gender, race, sexual orientation, deserves to feel safe on campus) accountable.
@5ft of fury: Again, I'm sorry that you feel this way. You probably have dealt with really difficult situations at your own school. I know that to many college students, I represent "the man." I get it. But we don't do mediation at my school and according to FERPA, we are required to keep all student information, including the victim's information under-wraps. That's the law. That is the law that students advocated for. As I said above, I think of everyone wanting student information as if they are my student's stalker. Including parents. Now, the Cleary Act has given us some leeway in how we treat sexual assault cases, but it doesn't mean that this isn't a crazy situation for a college administrator to be in. The male on male rape case that I had to deal with last year was a pretty good example of this. There was lots of alcohol involved, I don't doubt for a second that it happened and that it was rape. But my instincts don't mean that it met our legal standard (for us as an institution and for us under renter's law) to force a movement from that student. In addition to that, the victim didn't want to immediately press charges. That is their choice and since I have to report everything to the police that I even think possibly could be sexual assault, it's not in my interest to try to keep things hush-hush. Hell, I would much rather students go through our UPD and press charges. That makes my job so much easier because, oh, you were arrested? Well, goodbye you're leaving housing and you're probably getting a multi-year suspension at the least and possibly even expelled. And that happens within days of an arrested. Actually as soon as that student gets back to the halls after making bail, they have to get out, I said this above. But that was that student's choice. The victim didn't want to press charges and I had to respect what he wanted. Since this happened between two residence hall students and because the victim started telling everyone, which was his right, it got real messy. People started taking sides and hiding the perpetrator so we couldn't get a hold of him or investigate. I had to go and and wait outside of his door until 3am one night just to find him. When he was told that it would be in his best interest to move, he refused and because the victim wanted to not press charges, we had to first investigate the crime and he had to go through the judicial process, which takes a while because we can't subvert a student's rights (no matter how much we want to) to a fair judicial process. It took two weeks from the time the report was made to the time he was finally booted out. In that time, we had to move the victim, something we always want to avoid, but it became unavoidable. I don't like having to look out for the rights of rapists, as I've mentioned above and I hate that I have to treat them like other students, but in many cases, I do. I think that our procedures are pretty different than other schools, we always have a our detective who is a woman and works extensively with rape and sexual assault survivors in all of our interviews. Students have actually asked about her by name when they find out that we have to report the incident to the police. "Sargent so and so is going to be here, oh that's good, that makes me feel better, I love her." We have a program designed by her, with the help of a male officer, our center for rape, sexual assault, domestic violence and sexual harassment on campus and the women's center that all incoming students are required to take. We separate the men and the women. In the women's section, we teach them what does rape look like because many of them don't know, what do our campus procedures look like (one of them being that all campus employees excluding counselors are required to report incidents of rape to the police), some of the hot spots off campus for rape (there is a specific house that is widely known as a place where druggings and rapes take place, but the police have not been able to tie the occupants back to this, only the people at the parties) and yes, how women can help themselves and each other to avoid rape. For the men, we teach them about how men can stop rape, what rape looks like (for men and women, men are raped too and often it happens at fraternity parties), that others bodies aren't their property or reward, what can be done on campus if a student reports rape and that they also need to avoid these hot spots for rape because they should not be supporting other men who rape. We have a MARS group on campus (Men Against Rape and Sexual Assault) who are very active in our residence halls and help to plan our Take Back the Night events. So, we are trying to address those things that you mention. Most campuses are open to developing their approach. Campuses don't want to be bastions of rape and they care about their female populations. Hell, most campuses are the place where the most liberal minded, forward thinking people are allowed to work. That doesn't mean that we can't just throw out our legal standards to meet for all students (even the ones that we hate). We also have to look at what the victim wants. The victim for the most part wants us to keep all of this as quiet as possible. She/He doesn't want everyone knowing that they were raped. Public judicial hearings for rape would be a side-show and unnecessarily publicize something that the victim doesn't want public. I believe that most universities want to put a gag on the perpetrator so he doesn't go and blab around campus about the process or the victim and they have thought "Well, if we're doing this to the perpetrator, we've got to be equal." The Cleary Act helped us to be able to hold one side to that standard and not the other. FERPA is an important guiding law and standard for our profession, I can see that various institutions would have problems being able to interpret FERPA and Cleary together and yes, sometimes the law has to come in and tell us that. Again, I'm proud that the school I'm working for looks at the I believe doubling one year and then tripling the next of rape reports as something to cheer about. It means that something that we're doing is right. We know that rape happens on this campus and we want it to stop and getting students to come to us is the first step.
@Jenloveshercurves: If your school doesn't use arbitration, it doesn't really apply. I am glad to hear that your college is actively trying to educate both women AND men about what can be done to stop rape, and I think all schools, regardless of their sexual assault policy, should do this. However, the article was specifically talking about schools that use "judical panels" and mediation to work out sexual assault on campus, as opposed to universities that don't.
@5ft of fury: And I was talking about what my school is doing differently. Please read comments before you accuse someone of something that they are not doing.
@Jenloveshercurves: And if you read my comment you would realize that I was talking about colleges generally-and then when you clarified that your college doesn't use arbitration I mentioned how I thought it was great that your school was being proactive-but it is clear from the article and the comments that many schools aren't. No need to take this personally, I stated above that I was not personally attacking you.
Personal question for you Jezzies: I'm in university, and about a month or so ago, a guy and I were in my room. He and I used to be close, but we drifted apart (for a few reasons) and hadn't seen each other very much lately. He was very drunk and I was sober. We were sitting on my bed chatting, and he was all "oh come on, let's just snuggle" - which we sometimes used to do when we were closer. I was aware he was drunk but I was willing to humour him, and I was a bit guilty I'd let us drift apart anyway.
We were chatting, and he let his hand brush against my chest a few times - whether this was on purpose or accidental, I couldn't tell. Then he put his hand on my inner thigh, only about 1 or 2 centimetres away from my crotch, and then started going on about "sometimes, stuff like this doesn't hurt people" (he had, and still has, a girlfriend). I was incredibly uncomfortable and shocked. For about ten minutes I tried to pretend it wasn't going on, even as his hand remained there and started massaging my thigh. Then I tried to gently tell him that no, stuff like this DOES hurt people. He didn't listen. Then I just told him to stop and get out. He left.
So, was what happened just incredibly unpleasant, or is this assault? What's stupid though, is that I feel guilty about it - I feel like somehow, I should have just immediately told him to GTFO and my failure to do so was some kind of... I don't know, internalised weakness on my part? He apologised the next day, but still hasn't spoken to me at length about it - according to a mutual friend, he's too busy doing 'damage control' with the girlfriend, whom he told. I don't know whether to just give up on saving this friendship or not? While we were really good friends, seriously: we were best friends for a year and a half before he started dating this girl, but for some reason he seems to think she's the one who needs reassurance that he's not a sleazy douchebag.
@Suzie Wong: Let me re-iterate without your inner voice:
You had someone in your room who you knew well.
He was drunk, you were not.
He asked to cuddle, you assented.
He touched your breasts, you didn't verbally object, respond or move away.
He put his hand on your inner thigh. You didn't verbally object, respond or move away.
He started massaging your inner thigh, you expressed discomfort. When he continued, you asked him to leave, and he left.
Listen, I'm all for setting the bar very, very low when it comes to defining sexual 'assault', but when you told him to bugger off, he left. Was he being an insensitive (and cheating) jerk? Absolutely yes.
But you must stick up for yourself - people can not read your mind, especially when they are hammered. Did you make a mistake in not jumping up immediately and telling him to stop it? I don't think so - based on your past relationship you thought he would realize the inappropriate nature of his behavior and stop - but when you realized he wasn't going to do that, you spoke up. And he stopped.
This sounds like it was an unpleasant learning experience, both about this (now-former) friend, and about drawing the line at what you find tolerable.
Obviously he knows he crossed some line, that's why he fessed up to the GF.
And stop beating yourself up about it - you did the right thing, and I doubt there will be a 'next time' scenario to compare this against because you won't let that happen. The worst part about these things is the self-doubt. But you did everything right. Just keep speaking up.
Hey, so I'm a journalist working on this story, which is going to have localized follow-ups.
Anyone who has shared your story here -- I'd love to hear more. Currently, we are looking for rape victims who have dealt with difficult circumstances at New England colleges. If you're comfortable with sharing your story, send me a private message.
It happens a lot on college campuses. At one point my undergraduate institution claimed not to have a single sexual assault occur on their campus in a 4 year period of time.
@We Don't Live in the 60s: I got an email from my graduate school last year that had the official police record or something--basically a summary of all the different crimes committed on campus. There were such categories as "forcible sexual contact" "rape" and some type of differentiation between violent and non-violent unwanted sexual contact--I was like, isn't all unwanted sexual contact necessarily violent? Anyway, there were a total of 2 recorded rapes over 4 years, two of which were stranger rapes by a non-student, and over a thousand alcohol related incidents each year.
Of course I emailed the police chief a somewhat huffy email about these results--I go to a school whose undergraduate college is widely known as a party school, and there's a huge greek presence, and it's just exactly the type of place where you know rape is a big problem. The police chief totally made my life when he wrote back, cc'd his response to the full-time woman who the school hired to deal with sexual assault on campus. He apologized for the low number, saying he knew it was an inaccurate reflection of actual statistics, but that they only count incidents that are officially filed by a student. He told me they were working very hard on educating students about rape, and about making it easier for female students to report and prosecute. There is a special division of the police/security department devoted to this, and he told me about several clubs (including a men's club--the "how can we stop rape?" kind, not the MRA kind) about sexual assault, from violence prevention to survivor assistance. And they currently are running an ad campaign about not raping women--how to prevent rape like, "She was drunk, so I decided not to have sex because that would have been rape. So I chose not to rape her. You should also not rape people, men." (NB: not exact ad copy)
Thanks so much to Latoya and Jezebel for including SAFER and V-Day's project in this post. As an every-day reader of this site AND a proud member of SAFER's Board of Directors (a.k.a. volunteer staff) I was beyond excited to see this post, even as my heart was broken by all of the personal stories posted below it. I hope ya'll know that there are people on your side. If you're a college student check out the Campus Accountability Project (or encourage the students you know to). With help we will build a super powerful resource. [www.safercampus.org]
My school has a pretty shitty way of dealing with on-campus rape. They want to handle it "internally" so it doesn't add to our crime rates, which we have to publish each year. Usually, the rapist doesn't even get expelled. Lovely, huh?
@MargaretMoony: At my school they sent the rapist of a friend of mine to a study abroad program for the next year. Due to mediation there was no record. I wonder how many girls in Spain he assaulted. Because I know of at least four in the USA.
@MargaretMoony: Hey that sounds like my school! Social probation for rape? Yeah bro, that's a totally acceptable punishment for a fucking CRIME. Ugh. And then there is the lovely fact that many women who do manage to report their assaults are given the run around through this internal arbitration and "mediation" and often the women either get fed up and drop the case or are strongly encouraged to transfer. I have known several women who were essentially kicked out (oh I'm sorry, advised to take a "recommended leave of absence for mental health reasons").
@MargaretMoony: So the victim has to see the rapist over and over again? Great. And how many rapes does he get away with? That must do wonders for his fear of getting caught, too.
I was raped the weekend before finals my sophomore year. My friends took me to the hospital after finding me sobbing into a towel by myself in the bathroom. I had a rape kit. My school was immediately notified.
Though it was never determined through a breathalyzer, several people (including a SECURITY GUARD) commented on how drunk I appeared that night. My rapist was sober, and that's according to his account.
I kept telling him, "No, don't you love your girlfriend?" (this guy is a real winner, folks). While I was getting fed up with his advances, I didn't think he was going to rape me. He was my friend. I didn't want to hurt his feelings (!)
Eventually I DID get up and leave, but not before the damage had already been done.
11 months (ALMOST A YEAR) later, I finally had my trial through the school. I was given a week to go and read both of our testimonies and prep for the trial.
However, I could only read these by myself in a closed room with no one to talk to as I read in detail my sobbing explanation and his out-of-his-ass excuses, including the insulting idea that I had actually come on to him and followed him back to his dorm while demanding that he break up with his girlfriend and date me instead. Also, I could only go during hours that the office were open, which was from 8 in the morning until 4, Monday through Friday.
I don't know about you, but my cup of tea isn't getting up and reading about my own rape first thing in the morning. I also couldn't go until my classes were over for the day since I was usually shaking and crying and needed at least an hour before I could even start to think about something else. This left me about two hours every day to go and torture myself.
Oh by the way, I was still going to classes during this time too. One of which I shared with my rapist. Thanks guys for putting my rapist in my required class that he doesn't need! I appreciate the support!
My three witnesses found out about the trial one hour before it happened. The school is supposed to give them 24 hours. My rapist's witness was notified 24 hours before the trial.
During the trial, I sobbed through my story while my SAINT of an adviser sat next to me. I was told that my rapist could be in a separate room at first. When I told the administration that I would MUCH prefer this option, I was discouraged from the idea until we compromised on being in the same room with a white sheet of paper separating us.
During the trial, one of the jurors (who happened to be the anthropology teacher my rapist and I shared for that quarter) asked one of my witnesses how she felt about taking me to the hospital. She said, "So after all the trauma your friend had been through, you still felt compelled to force her to go to the hospital to endure even MORE trauma?!" To this day my friend still deals with that horrible, irresponsible accusation.
I could keep going here. There are so many more details about this that are fucked up. But here's the jist: I told a group of people, including my rapist, intimate details about my drunkenness, repeat refusals and having to fish a tampon out of myself that had been forced up too far for me to reach. And they still said that he was, beyond a reasonable doubt, not responsible.
I hope they're NOT able to tell the other women he assaulted/assaults the same thing.
This was, by the way, just one of MANY cases that year that the school handled inappropriately. It's great that they're getting better and changing their policies (after we essentially forced them to). But that doesn't change what happened to me.
@Superrrdupa: I feel like I don't even deserve to tell you how amazing you are. You are incredibly strong and courageous, something your rapist doesn't have in any measure. The school was completely disgusting in their treatment of you, and I hope you get the closure you so deserve.
@pesematology: I touched on this a little further downthread. I had some victims request mediation when i worked in a university conduct office. Some of them had been friends with their assailant and felt he wasn't so much evil but stupid and felt mediation would be a better educational experience than a trial. And a couple felt like they were partially at fault and thought a trial would be unfair to him.
I can also understand the appeal of getting a face to face conversation with one's attacker. A criminal trial doesn't afford me the opportunity to demand an explanation from my attacker - mediation does.
@curiousgeorgiana: That's nuts. They didn't offer anything other than mediation as an option for you? I started mentioning it as an option after finding out some victims of assault wanted the choice, but I never ever would have denied a victim the opportunity for an actual hearing.
@lizdexia: They said because we were in a relationship, and I couldn't remember the specifics etc, an administrative hearing wouldn't be productive. And they gave me some stats on how unsuccessful these cases are in court etc.
I basically got a "these things happen, you have to be more careful" speech and a half-hearted offer of counseling. I just went back to my boyfriend and pretended like it didn't happen.
That's an good point you have though-- mediation probably should be an option. It might be useful for someone and nothing should be ruled out.
@curiousgeorgiana: Ugh, that's so awful. Admittedly, working in higher ed, especially conduct or judicial affairs, is especially discouraging work, but there seem to be entirely too many people there who should not be subjecting themselves to people.
The sad thing is, they were probably right about the odds of success. As much as I would have defended your right to a hearing, I probably would have warned you how awful it would be. The rules in a hearing aren't like in court. Accusers and board members are allowed to - and believe me they do - ask some incredibly insensitive and offensive questions. We still tend to think rape = scary man jumping out of the bushes with a knife. Even some otherwise enlightened individuals can't wrap their heads around rape within a relationship, especially one that has involved consensual sex.
@lizdexia: Definitely right about the chances of a successful case in court. I'm studying for my criminal law exam right now and I'm just about to review rape. The outcomes were not good in most cases, and I can not believe what is allowed to be stated as "evidence". We have a long way to go.
12/07/09
Thank you everyone that has shared their stories.
12/06/09
In addition the law enforcement response to sexual assaults puts victims in an uncomfortable spotlight in which they feel blamed in a way that victims of robbery, burglary, auto theft do not.
Unfortunately we can't stop what we don't acknowledge. I don't see social perception of rape changing any time soon.
And so I take the very, very unpopular stance that potential victims of sexual assault (particularly young women -- statistically so) MUST live with and acknowledge the reality that they are likely to be victimized in some way and they MUST learn how to avoid being victimized. You must learn to live in the REAL while fighting for the IDEAL.
Unfortunately we want to believe that predators don't exist so we are not prey. But the smart doe acknowledges that the wolves are out there.
I highly recommend Gavin deBecker's books The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift as required reading for everyone. You have intuition for a reason, learn not to overrule it in an attempt to be the polite young person that your parents insisted you be. That polite young person is more helpless than the doe in the meadow.
Fight for change in society. Fight for change in the perception of rape and other sexual assault crimes. But most of all learn to fight for your own safety until that change comes.
And change will come. Nowadays the street hassle I endured as a young teen girl is considered a danger and the police will look for guys driving around contacting young kids walking to school. Back then they couldn't care less. But times have changed.
Stay safe out there my young Athenas and Dianas and Aphrodites.
And young men need to know these things too.
12/06/09
12/06/09
12/06/09
12/07/09
If you had read my entire post you would see that I advocate to change the system and cite one example in which that has helped to change society's attitudes and law enforcement's actions and reactions to common street hassle. That a 12 year old or 14 year old can call the police and tell them she was followed home from school and have law enforcement turn out en mass to try to find the predator that hassled her and having the schools warn the kids to be on the lookout and warn parents too is an enormous change just in my lifetime.
Keep working to change the system and keep working to keep yourself self are my two messages.
Your response to them is neither new, edgy or unpopular it is merely a kneejerk reaction that I knew at least one person would have when I wrote what I wrote.
WORK toward the IDEAL and LIVE in REALITY. By taking responsibility for your safety rather than relying on the kindness of strangers hopefully you will not be any kind of victim.
You lock the door of your home, don't you? Why would not take simple precautions to stay as safe as possible otherwise as well?
I also advocate that friends look out for one another. If you and your friends go out together then take care of one another. Don't leave your one very drunk girlfriend behind to find her way home alone. Sure she should be safe. But no one will blame you more than yourself if she comes home after having been assaulted or worse yet, doesn't come home at all.
And, if a woman or man is sexually assaulted the last thing in the world I would think of doing is blaming them. I would think they did the best they could to be safe and someone else the did best he (or she) did to harm them and the criminal is to blame for the crime.
But have it your way. What do I know other than studying psychology and biogenetics and sociopathic behavior for some years and worked with victims of trauma and met a few criminals that were incarcerated and in the process of being "re-educated". One of my college professors worked with one of her incarcerated "clients" for four years to get him to feel a little bit sorry for the family of the complete stranger he killed in a gang shooting. He still didn't feel sorry for his victim, though, because they guy shouldn't have been in his gang's territory. Then her program was cut. You know who blames the victims the most? The criminals who victimize them.
I hope you stay safe and this is only a philosophical/political/sociological discussion for you.
12/07/09
12/05/09
Our procedure is designed around the idea that rape and sexual assault, by definition, involve a loss of control, so any punitive measures must put control back in the hands of the victim. If a victim chooses to report sexual assault (and if they tell that information to an RA/housing director/etc, the RA has to report that a sexual assault took place, without giving any names, places or dates for the school's outside reporting capability) and chooses to name their attacker they have several options.
1) They can do nothing. They can just say, I'd like to be included in the statistics for this year's sexual assaults, but I'd also like to move on with my life.
2) They can elect to report the name of the student and take it no further than that. That way, if another student comes forward, the school has the original victim's name on file with the accusation, and can go back to her and ask if she wants to take it to a hearing in light of the new information. Sometimes, it's easier for victims to go through the trial along with someone else who's also grappling with the same issues.
3) They can elect to report the name and have the accused student come in. All the accused student is told is that there is an allegation of sexual assault against them (they are not told who made it, but most guess) and are essentially told to watch their ass because though the victim doesn't want to take it further, they will be watched closely from now on. Often, these students also elect to have "campus restraining orders" put in place: you can't talk to them, they can't talk to you, your friends can't talk to their friends.
4) They can choose to go to hearing. A hearing is in front of a committee of students and faculty, where the burden of proof is "more likely than not" (less sure than "clear and convincing"). If found guilty, there would have to be EXTREME circumstances for the assailant not to be expelled.
However, of course, it doesn't always work so neatly in practice. For instance, there was one case where several girls were assaulted on the same night by the same guy. While he was found guilty of the first three assaults, the fourth girl could remember literally nothing about the attack and her friends' memory of her assault was similarly hazy, while his friends contended they had taken him home by that point. It was, essentially, a he-said-she-said and there was no real proof either way so the committee was forced to find him not guilty of the offense.
The problem with college sexual assaults is they often go hand in hand with copious amounts of alcohol or drugs. These things make anyone and everyone's memories of the event fuzzy and it can be really difficult to come to the truth of the matter, which typically lies in a gray area. A lot of this thread is "Well, these guys that were DEFINITELY rapists were found not guilty" etc -- and while certainly, the goal of the process is to prosecute the assailants and find them guilty, all a judicial board has to go on is the evidence that is presented. And YES it sucks that if you were drunk and assaulted and you have no proof you may not get justice. But it also would suck to have a system that unjustly punished those who actually were innocent by taking the alleged victim's word as absolute fact.
I guess what I'm coming to here is that there is no perfect solution, for colleges or courts. It will always be hazy and it will always lead to some guilty people going free and some innocents unfortunately being convicted. From this thread, it's clear that there are a lot of abuses of power going on in college judicial systems, but I wouldn't unfairly paint all administrators with the same brush. Many do the best they can with their hands tied by the system that is designed to assume students are innocent until proven guilty.
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Of course not. Obviously, that is not an ideal system for anyone -- indeed, any system that does anything but effectively punish the truly guilty and let free the truly innocent is inadequate. Unfortunately, I don't see how it's possibly to have a system that's ever adequate.
Our local DA almost always chooses not to prosecute rape cases where alcohol is involved -- proof beyond a reasonable doubt is difficult, if not impossible in such a case. So victims are encouraged to report to the school (and given the frank option of reporting to the police) -- not to punish them further but to spare them having to deal with a DA who will not take your case anywhere.
I am a fan of the fact that our committee on student conduct are hard-asses when it comes to any sort of assault, physical or sexual. Both typically lead (if found guilty) to suspension or expulsion without mitigating circumstances.
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I do agree the responsibility for rape prevention needs to be on men rather than women, but I also acknowledge that women need to live in a world where that responsibility is put on women and live accordingly. And they need to learn HOW to live accordingly, even while working toward change in the system.
In our freshman orientation, mandatory sexual assault stuff, they tell the boys, very frankly, that it's unfair that if two people get drunk and have sex, the man is more at risk for being accused of rape. And they say yeah, it's unfair that even more than women, you have to be SURE that women consent if they're drunk. That's unfair but it's a fact, and it's told to them. Whether they internalize it is a different story.
I agree that arbitration seems an absurd sentence, and it confuses me that schools even use it. I'd be interested to see the rationale behind it - it wouldn't work here, that's for sure. Unless the victim suggested it as a way THEY wanted to work through something it would never happen - in many ways, our system is designed to minimize contact between a victim and her accuser.
We do, however, in our committee proceedings, require that a victim (who will obviously serve as the accusing student/a witness in the case) speak in front of the accused student. This is tough, if not impossible, but is also one of those things, legally, that we can't get around. Since our system doesn't involve lawyers (only campus advocates) and the accused student does have the right, codified in our bylaws, to confront any witnesses the college has against them, there is no way to create a proceeding where the victim has no contact with her accuser.
As to why victims choose to report to the school rather than the police - the same reason that theft is a crime, but if you think someone in your dorm stole your iHome, you tell campus security and not the local police. Colleges present enclosed communities which have their own judges, juries and executioners (as the case may be). Yes, it's a crime, but honestly? At least in my area, you're more likely to get some semblance of justice if you're raped while drunk if you go through the school and not the DA.
12/05/09
The situation was terribly confusing for me at the time? Was I raped if I climaxed? I can honestly say my mind was feeling disgusted, but physically my body was brought to the point of arousal.
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The next semester, another student was raped by a different student. She chose to report the rape directly to her RA, the director of housing, and the dean instead of filing a formal police report. She was handled much differently, told that she could face consequences for the fact that alcohol was involved in her assault (she was underage). The accused rapist was allowed to meet informally with the assistant dean to talk things out man-to-man. It was chalked up to a case of "boys will be boys". She was told to speak to to the school's campus ministry department for "support". The accused was encouraged to find off-campus housing, the victim was told not to go to parties any more.
It's amazing how differently universities will handle rape cases when they're in the public spotlight from the beginning.
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Dear news, lets please start talking about HOW COLLAGE BOYS ARE RAPING WOMEN LEFT AND RIGHT!
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These judges are what make me daydream of a contained little French Revolution (read bloody redistribution of power) within the modern judicial branch. off with heads. [not too much crayzeez i hope?]
12/05/09
One of the rapists in the Our Guys case went on to join the military and serve in Afghanistan, with the knowledge of the military. The waiver system strikes again! Anyway, his wife filed for divorce---I can't imagine why, I'm sure a guy who raped a developmentally-disabled girl is such a catch!---and he tried to kill her and her new boyfriend. Luckily, he only offed himself.
And his dad was a cop.
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Rape is rape. But the "getting away" with rape I think comes more from a gross misunderstanding of sexual assault by both men and women than any sort of crime spree that is going unchecked.
Murder is pretty straightforward and it leaves a body. Rape on the other hand leaves a living, breathing, speaking witness. No one quibbles that murder victim was really killed (once the death has been ruled as such), but people argue constantly whether or not people are raped. No murder can stand up and say, "oh, it wasn't murder because I didn't KNOW that she/he didn't want to be murdered."
Until we educate both men and women on what sexual assault is - we'll always have an epidemic or rapists. Or, boys will learn to be rapists and that nothing will happen to them for it as you put it.
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And men cling to a standard of rape that omits them, their buddies, and their relatives. Curious, that.
12/05/09
For example, if someone stole my car and I reported it to the police, they would not only believe that I had a car to steal, but they wouldn't believe that I gave the car to the car thief only to later report it as a theft. If a woman says "I was raped," then she was raped. I don't really understand why people don't understand that the only proof we need that a crime occurred is the victim's statement that a crime occurred. If someone punches me in the face, and admits to punching me in the face, it's still assault even if he thought I wanted to be punched in the face. I mean, it's not like I walk around telling people "No! I am clearly stating No--I do NOT want you to punch me in the face! I do not consent to face punching!" How is rape any different?
Actually I know how it's different. It's different because it's the men doing the raping and the women getting raped, and since a man's belief that not saying No is the same thing as saying Yes when it comes to women and sex, "having sex" with a woman is not rape. It's like, so many men think that what they consider sex could not be rape, ever. Like, if the dude thought they were having sex, then it was sex--even if the woman thought it was rape. Why do we privilege the male point of view? Why not believe a woman when she says she was assaulted? It's because women's bodies are assumed to be For Sex--we are in a constant state of consent. For what other crime is "[victim] didn't say no" a reasonable defense? I don't tell robbers not to break my window and take my stuff, but everyone agrees that's still a crime. I don't tell drunk drivers not to hit my car when they're wasted and driving--can that driver assume that since I never actually told him not to hit my car that it isn't a crime because, since I never said no, I clearly wanted to get hit by a car?
You know that "marked" and "unmarked" thing--like the way women not-wearing make up to work is a noticeable thing rather than wearing make up, despite the fact that wearing make up is the act while not wearing it is that absence of action? That's kind of what women's bodies are like. Our natural, assumed state is consenting to sex with whoever wants it; in order to mark ourselves as un-consenting, we need to actively take steps to prove our un-consent. Maybe we should all get tattoos right above our vaginas that say something like, "Do Not Enter Unless Otherwise Advised."
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Word. I wonder how men would feel if every man they met assumed they had access to their assholes unless they made it really, really clear that they did not.
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12/04/09
FERPA is a blessing and a curse. I can't even reveal if a student is living with us because that would reveal private student information (living in housing or not living in housing can be viewed as private student information legally). I basically think of every person asking me for student information like they are my student's stalker. That's how seriously I take this. So, open proceedings for any sort of judicial case is a no-no because it's illegal. It stinks. I also have to treat all students the same, even if I think they are a rapist and I want them out. If there is not enough evidence to arrest a student or if the incident happens off campus, sometimes we have to finagle getting the accused to agree to move until they go through the judicial process (they can also agree to the terms that the first judicial officer sets for them without asking to go to the board, basically they would rather just not fight the university, sometimes they do this when it's a pretty clear-cut case and they're happy the victim chose this and not actually going to court, sometimes they choose this when they are going to court and they don't want to have to deal with the school as well). This can be sticky. Victims come to me and say, "Why isn't he kicked out, why are you just moving him? Don't you believe me?" In one case, the accused student refused to move. Then we had to move the victimized student. This made me mad but there wasn't much I could do until he went through the judicial process, eventually he was given the heave-ho, but it took a week and a half and we didn't want the victim anywhere near him. Sometimes I just want to tell the student, "I believe you so much on a personal level, but we can't do away with the process because of my belief in your story. No matter the outcome, that doesn't mean that you weren't raped and you aren't telling the truth." I can't and it sucks. Sometimes, I have to deal with raping rapists and treat them like my other students and it makes my skin crawl. I was talking to our judicial officer today and he was saying that we have tripled the number of rape cases reported to us in the last two years. They were thinking of this as something to celebrate because they know it represents that students trust us enough to come forward. He saw it as a victory to expel more rapists. I have to say, I did too. I guess that's a bright spot, right?
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12/04/09
We were chatting, and he let his hand brush against my chest a few times - whether this was on purpose or accidental, I couldn't tell. Then he put his hand on my inner thigh, only about 1 or 2 centimetres away from my crotch, and then started going on about "sometimes, stuff like this doesn't hurt people" (he had, and still has, a girlfriend). I was incredibly uncomfortable and shocked. For about ten minutes I tried to pretend it wasn't going on, even as his hand remained there and started massaging my thigh. Then I tried to gently tell him that no, stuff like this DOES hurt people. He didn't listen. Then I just told him to stop and get out. He left.
So, was what happened just incredibly unpleasant, or is this assault? What's stupid though, is that I feel guilty about it - I feel like somehow, I should have just immediately told him to GTFO and my failure to do so was some kind of... I don't know, internalised weakness on my part? He apologised the next day, but still hasn't spoken to me at length about it - according to a mutual friend, he's too busy doing 'damage control' with the girlfriend, whom he told. I don't know whether to just give up on saving this friendship or not? While we were really good friends, seriously: we were best friends for a year and a half before he started dating this girl, but for some reason he seems to think she's the one who needs reassurance that he's not a sleazy douchebag.
12/05/09
You had someone in your room who you knew well.
He was drunk, you were not.
He asked to cuddle, you assented.
He touched your breasts, you didn't verbally object, respond or move away.
He put his hand on your inner thigh. You didn't verbally object, respond or move away.
He started massaging your inner thigh, you expressed discomfort. When he continued, you asked him to leave, and he left.
Listen, I'm all for setting the bar very, very low when it comes to defining sexual 'assault', but when you told him to bugger off, he left. Was he being an insensitive (and cheating) jerk? Absolutely yes.
But you must stick up for yourself - people can not read your mind, especially when they are hammered. Did you make a mistake in not jumping up immediately and telling him to stop it? I don't think so - based on your past relationship you thought he would realize the inappropriate nature of his behavior and stop - but when you realized he wasn't going to do that, you spoke up. And he stopped.
This sounds like it was an unpleasant learning experience, both about this (now-former) friend, and about drawing the line at what you find tolerable.
Obviously he knows he crossed some line, that's why he fessed up to the GF.
And stop beating yourself up about it - you did the right thing, and I doubt there will be a 'next time' scenario to compare this against because you won't let that happen. The worst part about these things is the self-doubt. But you did everything right. Just keep speaking up.
12/04/09
Anyone who has shared your story here -- I'd love to hear more. Currently, we are looking for rape victims who have dealt with difficult circumstances at New England colleges. If you're comfortable with sharing your story, send me a private message.
#tips
12/04/09
12/04/09
Of course I emailed the police chief a somewhat huffy email about these results--I go to a school whose undergraduate college is widely known as a party school, and there's a huge greek presence, and it's just exactly the type of place where you know rape is a big problem. The police chief totally made my life when he wrote back, cc'd his response to the full-time woman who the school hired to deal with sexual assault on campus. He apologized for the low number, saying he knew it was an inaccurate reflection of actual statistics, but that they only count incidents that are officially filed by a student. He told me they were working very hard on educating students about rape, and about making it easier for female students to report and prosecute. There is a special division of the police/security department devoted to this, and he told me about several clubs (including a men's club--the "how can we stop rape?" kind, not the MRA kind) about sexual assault, from violence prevention to survivor assistance. And they currently are running an ad campaign about not raping women--how to prevent rape like, "She was drunk, so I decided not to have sex because that would have been rape. So I chose not to rape her. You should also not rape people, men." (NB: not exact ad copy)
It was refreshing.
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Though it was never determined through a breathalyzer, several people (including a SECURITY GUARD) commented on how drunk I appeared that night. My rapist was sober, and that's according to his account.
I kept telling him, "No, don't you love your girlfriend?" (this guy is a real winner, folks). While I was getting fed up with his advances, I didn't think he was going to rape me. He was my friend. I didn't want to hurt his feelings (!)
Eventually I DID get up and leave, but not before the damage had already been done.
11 months (ALMOST A YEAR) later, I finally had my trial through the school. I was given a week to go and read both of our testimonies and prep for the trial.
However, I could only read these by myself in a closed room with no one to talk to as I read in detail my sobbing explanation and his out-of-his-ass excuses, including the insulting idea that I had actually come on to him and followed him back to his dorm while demanding that he break up with his girlfriend and date me instead. Also, I could only go during hours that the office were open, which was from 8 in the morning until 4, Monday through Friday.
I don't know about you, but my cup of tea isn't getting up and reading about my own rape first thing in the morning. I also couldn't go until my classes were over for the day since I was usually shaking and crying and needed at least an hour before I could even start to think about something else. This left me about two hours every day to go and torture myself.
Oh by the way, I was still going to classes during this time too. One of which I shared with my rapist. Thanks guys for putting my rapist in my required class that he doesn't need! I appreciate the support!
My three witnesses found out about the trial one hour before it happened. The school is supposed to give them 24 hours. My rapist's witness was notified 24 hours before the trial.
During the trial, I sobbed through my story while my SAINT of an adviser sat next to me. I was told that my rapist could be in a separate room at first. When I told the administration that I would MUCH prefer this option, I was discouraged from the idea until we compromised on being in the same room with a white sheet of paper separating us.
During the trial, one of the jurors (who happened to be the anthropology teacher my rapist and I shared for that quarter) asked one of my witnesses how she felt about taking me to the hospital. She said, "So after all the trauma your friend had been through, you still felt compelled to force her to go to the hospital to endure even MORE trauma?!" To this day my friend still deals with that horrible, irresponsible accusation.
I could keep going here. There are so many more details about this that are fucked up. But here's the jist: I told a group of people, including my rapist, intimate details about my drunkenness, repeat refusals and having to fish a tampon out of myself that had been forced up too far for me to reach. And they still said that he was, beyond a reasonable doubt, not responsible.
I hope they're NOT able to tell the other women he assaulted/assaults the same thing.
This was, by the way, just one of MANY cases that year that the school handled inappropriately. It's great that they're getting better and changing their policies (after we essentially forced them to). But that doesn't change what happened to me.
I want an apology, dammit.
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What an incredibly frustrating experience on top of the horrifying rape. But you didn't give up or drop the case --you have a lot to be proud of.
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Easier for them-- give the victim an option she won't take, then we can say we tried, wipe our hands, and walk away.
12/04/09
I can also understand the appeal of getting a face to face conversation with one's attacker. A criminal trial doesn't afford me the opportunity to demand an explanation from my attacker - mediation does.
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I basically got a "these things happen, you have to be more careful" speech and a half-hearted offer of counseling. I just went back to my boyfriend and pretended like it didn't happen.
That's an good point you have though-- mediation probably should be an option. It might be useful for someone and nothing should be ruled out.
12/04/09
The sad thing is, they were probably right about the odds of success. As much as I would have defended your right to a hearing, I probably would have warned you how awful it would be. The rules in a hearing aren't like in court. Accusers and board members are allowed to - and believe me they do - ask some incredibly insensitive and offensive questions. We still tend to think rape = scary man jumping out of the bushes with a knife. Even some otherwise enlightened individuals can't wrap their heads around rape within a relationship, especially one that has involved consensual sex.
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