The Onion's NPR-Style Catching Fire Review Is Creepy and Hilarious
"Honestly, there were hotter guys in my school than in this movie. Way hotter guys."
The Onion Predicted Miley Cyrus's VMA Performance in 2008
Following Miley Cyrus' psychosexual appropriative nightmare VMA performance, we citizens of the world are left scrambling for answers: Why did this have to happen? Did I really just watch a young woman gyrate against a man in a Beetlejuice costume immediately after using the bodies of black women as sexualized props?…
Chinese and Korean Papers Tricked By Onion Article Declaring Kim Jong…
Two weeks ago, The Onion published a satirical article declaring North Korean despot and king of the butt-shaped haircut Kim Jong Un the "Sexiest Man Alive." And yesterday, a Chinese state newspaper reprinted the piece in its entirety, completely without sarcasm, along with a 55-image slide show of Kim Jong Un posing on…
Sex House Is Pretty Much Every Reality Show Ever
Sex House, the newest webseries by the geniuses at The Onion, is the perfect fake reality show, capturing the ridiculousness of The Real World, Jersey Shore and The Bachelor combined. These shows aren't on the air so we can find out what happens when seven strangers are picked to live in a mansion or whether or not…
Another Congressional Dumbass Thinks The Onion is Real
A Republican Congressman from Louisiana has become the laughingstock of the internet after posting a story from The Onion to his Facebook wall and then commenting on the sad, sad, evil state of the world. Congressmen: just like us! Or, rather, just like our elderly conservative great uncles who think that an…
Witch Comes to Claim Beyonce's First Born
If you thought nothing could spoil Blue Ivy's birthday celebration, you were wrong. The witch who blessed Beyonce with her beautiful singing voice has returned for what she was promised and, in the words of fictional gossip columnist Bryan Spees, "that crone ain't giving back that baby."
Anne Hathaway Confesses To Irrational Hatred For Random New England…
Have you ever wondered if Jennifer Aniston finds you boring, Gwyneth Paltrow thinks you're kind of pretentious, or Kim Kardashian wonders why you even got hired in the first place?
Yelpers Review Imaginary $8 Billion Abortionplex
Yelp reviews for the mythical Abortionplex follow classic paradigms: "Just don't get what all the hype is about....I had to wait FOREVER for a Fallopian Innertube," and "This place was so much cooler when...." Best: "My Walgreen's abortion was better."
Will People Vote For Sarah Palin Out Of "Morbid Curiosity"?
The Onion News Network "reports" that 62% of Americans may vote for Sarah Palin just to see what happens. Maybe we're looking at this all wrong. Her "America: Let's Go Out With A Bang" platform does sound exciting!
Girl Raised By Wolf Blitzer Struggles To Re-Enter Society
Meet Molly, the 10-year-old girl raised by Wolf Blitzer. She still speaks to imaginary friend "Christiane Amanpour," but thankfully she's stopped raving about how CNN has the "best political team on television."
Free Summer Events Are Free For A Reason: They Suck
According to The Onion, "the nation's boyfriends" are dreading summer's coming onslaught of free events in the park. Us too! Here's why:
"Picassoesque Face" Our New Least-Favorite Insult
Despite all the joy The Onion has brought us, we occasionally rue the day they became the arbitrators of intelligent satire. Because sometimes, like when the joke can be reduced to lulz ugly women!, it's just not that funny. [TheOnion]
New Orleans Doctors Prescribe Drinking, Sex
I was ready to make a health-conscious life change on the basis of this report until I heard: "New Orleans doctors also strongly advise that young women expose their breasts to screaming crowds at least once a year." [Onion]
The Onion: "Girl Welcomed To Womanhood With 4-Page Pamphlet"
"McMillan's budding womanhood was acknowledged by passing teachers who smiled sympathetically upon seeing her [and] a group of sixth-grade boys who warned one another not to talk to her for fear she might suddenly become pregnant." Flashbacks! [The Onion]
New Abortion Requirements Include Painting Nursery, Buying Toys
One Onion analyst says the law is too time-consuming: "simply requiring women to watch a computer simulation of their baby, what it would have looked like, saying 'I love you Mommy,' would have been enough." [The Onion]
Domesticating Women: Funny, Too Close For Comfort
"A valuable commodity with seemingly endless uses, the woman has played a crucial role throughout human history...disobedience on the part of women was not taken lightly; physical punishments and restrictive harnesses were often employed to curb any independent behavior." [TheOnion]
But Can We Take A Break From Him?
In a People article that reads remarkably like The Onion, John Mayer claims that to recover from the stresses of sleeping with various starlets, he's "taking a break from dating." That sweater should help. [People]
