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The Cosmos
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signature psychoses
The Cosmos
"10 Questions You Can't Ask Anyone" was the tantalizing Cosmo Girl!cover line that won our hard-earned $3.49 this month. The touted story is a Nancy Redd advice column that addresses the usual array of teen "ick!" topics — stretch marks, itchy asses, third nipples. (One in 20 women have one!) But then there was this one, uh, unexpected question that for some reason doesn't seem made up. (Click the pic to see.)
the cosmos
Cosmo Girl!: Match Your Religion With Your MySpace Wallpaper!
Men are... immeasurably interested in acquiring fixed ideas of God, of the soul, and of their common duties to their Creator and to their fellow men. This is, then, the subject on which it is most important for each of us to entertain fixed ideas; and, unhappily, it is also the subject on which it is most difficult for each of us, left to himself, to settle his opinions by the sole force of his reason.So observed Alexis De Tocqueville in his seminal Democracy In America, whose 23rd chapter makes a worthy companion to a story on page 128 of the May Cosmo Girl! Because... like, how times change! Some modern teens have totally conquered the age-old need for a "fixed" higher power idea. The story begins by posing the radical question: "What if going to church were like going to Starbucks?" Um, and they were required by law to display the caloric content of the communion wafers? No, silly! "You wouldn't get just a plain coffee: You could get a shot of Catholicism, a sprinkle of Buddhism, a pinch of Hindu teachings — or whatever else you're in the mood for that day."
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cover lies
Well Isn't The Cosmo"Sexy Issue" Just A Sexy Breath Of Fresh Sexual Sexy Sex Air!
Oh goody it's the Cosmo "Sexy Issue"! We've been waiting all year for Cosmo to finally address the underexplored topic of s-e-x. They address "sex" with classic Cosmo understatement, of course: "sex" appears in only six places on the cover, meaning the word "sex" itself represents a relatively restrained 7.5% of words on the cover, in much the way that you will really find the word "fuck" in no more than 10% of the words you read on the average Jezebel post. Anyway! The Sexy Issue is really a goldmine, starting with what may be the magazine's most ingenious yet use of food in a sex act — click to find out what it is! — and an engaging interview with actress Kristen Bell, who, like most other Cosmo cover subjects, stars in the television show Heroes. Click to see the May Cosmo as interpreted by "Cover Lies," in which we rewrite the mag covers to more accurately reflect the sexy content within. More »
How The Brazilian Explains The World
The May Cosmo is here! And it wouldn't be a Cosmo "Sexy Issue" if it didn't come equipped with a scintillating (or something-ating!) think piece on the numerous societal implications of the mass-acceptance of Brazilian waxing. No really! It's on page 233, but I'll summarize: Men of a certain age now expect you to be bald, no more hiding those genital warts either, genital plastic surgery is up 30%...actually, the thing is too awesome not to scan. Click the pic for my three personal favorite excerpts.
cover lies
Cosmo Reminds You To Bring The Bucket Of Ice Next Time You Have Sex
It's time again for Cover Lies, wherein Cheryl and Maria rewrite the cover lines of major mass-market women's magazines to better reflect the content within. Not that you were considering actually buying "Cosmo"!
Back in high school, when our sexual experience was (um) limited, Cosmo was about the naughtiest thing one could read. It was a portal to urbane twenty-something maturity: sexual positions that no one understood, shots of men sans T-shirts, and secrets that "Guys Really Want You To Know!" Now, when we read Cosmo, it reminds us more of awkward teenage girls with hysterically low self-esteem. Guess the college education wasn't a total waste! Anyway, it's a good thing we weren't ever "fearless" or "fun" enough to actually try anything Cosmo recommends, because what they recommend this month is: running your tongue along the roof of your boyfriend's mouth while kissing! Bringing a "bucket of ice" out during sex! (And also: dry shampoo.) There's also a stab at humor with the "If Men Edited Cosmo" section. It reads surprisingly similar to what happens when women edit Cosmo! Have fearless fun, ladies! More »
MagHag
An unfortunate side-effect of working for Jezebel (besides the carpal tunnel, that is) is that we acquire enough issues of Cosmo to fill the waiting room of a third-rate day spa. But, while organizing my collection of ladymags, I noticed an image forming on the spine of my Cosmos. The picture is the bottom half of a man lying playfully on a bed, without his shirt (because they don't have enough half-naked men in the magazine to begin with!). Dodai wonders if anyone other than us (and beauty salons) are keeping the issues around long enough to see the image form. Tracie asks if the picture was of someone famous (perhaps "Fun, Fearless Male" John Mayer?). What do you think, European model or mildly famous male celebrity? Stock photo from the late '90s or Chad Michael Murray (he's still a thing, right) or both? Click on the photo to see a larger version.
An unfortunate side-effect of working for Jezebel (besides the carpal tunnel, that is) is that we acquire enough issues of Cosmo to fill the waiting room of a third-rate day spa. But, while organizing my collection of ladymags, I noticed an image forming on the spine of my Cosmos. The picture is the bottom half of a man lying playfully on a bed, without his shirt (because they don't have enough half-naked men in the magazine to begin with!). Dodai wonders if anyone other than us (and beauty salons) are keeping the issues around long enough to see the image form. Tracie asks if the picture was of someone famous (perhaps "Fun, Fearless Male" John Mayer?). What do you think, European model or mildly famous male celebrity? Stock photo from the late '90s or Chad Michael Murray (he's still a thing, right) or both? Click on the photo to see a larger version.
Why New York Sucks
The April Cosmo goes bar-hopping at some local dives and snaps photos of couples talking to submit them for body language analysis. This guy's body language revealed him to be the biggest player. Click on the pic to see. His face is blurred out, but seriously...
The April Cosmo goes bar-hopping at some local dives and snaps photos of couples talking to submit them for body language analysis. This guy's body language revealed him to be the biggest player. Click on the pic to see. His face is blurred out, but seriously...
cover lies
Ooooooh Mommy: Cosmo Said The "Jay-Jay" Word!
Yay! We are back with more Cover Lies! This month, Cosmo achieved the impossible. It made the slang term "Va-Jay-Jay" even more cringetacular! See, it's not okay to just emblazon the word "Vagina" really big on a magazine, because then all the blogs will write "Ha ha ha Cosmo said 'VADGE'" and set off a domino-effect of third grade humor. So we are glad Cosmo took the mature road by employing euphemisms like "lovely lady parts" and illustrating the vagina package — heh! — with photos of oranges and grapefruits and vinegar bottles ("Every chick has a different scent!") and E. coli under a microscope. Reading about my "V-zone" and what men think about when they masturbate (hint: sex) is like a trip down the self-hating, socially awkward, sexually misguided locker room years of early adolescence! Anyway, to that end, Cosmo's cover lines are great, but they do not do justice to the succulent fruit inside. Graphic design guru/Jezebel intern Cheryl Campbell and I update the cover lines, after the jump. More »
ask a flawed specimen of humanity
My Cosmo Advice: Why "Ask Him" When You Can Ask Me?
Cosmo has a (seemingly new) advice column on its website called "Ask Him Anything", and though it may come as a shock to some, we kind of expected better from the ingenious magazine that brought us the cover line "Dirty Sexy Sex". But that's okay, because we were feeling service-y today and decided to re-answer some questions ourselves, starting with Should I Say Something About My Fears?:The guy I'm seeing is incredibly well-endowed. I'm really nervous about sleeping with him; I'm afraid it will hurt. Should I say something about my fears?More »
cover lies
45 Ways To Seem Even More Clingy, And Other Things You'll Learn In This Month's Cosmo
If there's one thing we've learned in doing this blog, it's that you can't judge a ladymag by its cover. A cover touting a new diet tip can lead you to a story about a woman battling heart disease (True Story!) and we are pretty sure all those big numbers come from a fortune cookie, because we've never been able to fact-check them. After the jump, loyal Jezebelles Maria and Cheryl actually read Cosmo — haven't you always wanted to know how to use the power of body language to seem like a more understanding best friend? — and redesign the cover to more accurately reflect what's inside. More »
nosplice:7
Decoding Cosmo Cover Girl Katie Heigl: "She Refuses To Waste Time With Convoluted Crap"
Katherine Heigl didn't seem to take the "Cosmo Quiz" — the written Q&A actresses are forced to take to qualify as a Cosmopolitan cover subject — very seriously. For most of the questions, such as "I think it's sexy when a guy..." and, "My favorite male co-star has been..." she circled all five multiple choice options the magazine's editors provided. Um, did they not teach you the difference between superior and superlative in America's Sweetheart preparatory academy, Katie? Or is it just because you don't take many things that seriously at all? (Here's Katie regarding her dis on Isiah Washington: "You can't give me too much credit for being brave. I was just a girl who had had a couple of drinks and was angry and got mouthy. I really did think if would fuck me.") We'll leave the handwriting-shrinking to our inimitable penmanship analyst Sheila Kurtz, who sees a great many admirable qualities — and perhaps a few stray self-destructive ones? — in Katie's answers to such questions as "I am sometimes mistaken for..." (A: "myself...that's awkward"!) More »
This is the teaser from the latest issue of Cosmo's "Red Hot Read," an excerpt from the book Strong & Sexy by Jill Shalvis. (page 214). I'm just trying to figure out how you could make this sentence even more hot. Maybe if you added the phrase "Skinny Cow"? Or if, instead, the ice cream dripped down into the crevice between his penis and the scrunchie she'd tied around it?
maghag
Cosmo Editor: "My Sense Of A Good Cover Is If I Want To Lick It"
A thorough piece in today's WWD is chock-full of juicy nuggets about how magazine editors create a cover that will inspire you, a potential reader, to spend your hard-earned cash on their efforts. In the '80s, Dick Stolley, founding editor of People, created "Stolley's Law Of Covers", which you already know, even if you don't know you know: "Young is better than old. Pretty is better than ugly. Rich is better than poor. Movies are better than music. Music is better than television. Television is better than sports... And anything is better than politics." Kind of like looking for a date! Of course, what works for each magazine is slightly different. For Cosmopolitan, the young lady on the cover had better get "the girls" out. "It's not about big breasts like it used to be. It's just about showing off your breasts, whether they're double As or whatever," says editor in chief Kate White. Hear that, IBTC? You, too, can be on Cosmo! (And if you look at a gallery of Cosmo covers, and you'll see almost all of the women are touching one thigh, directing attention "down there." My crotch! Let me show you it!) More »
Now up on Cosmopolitan's website: "Have you ever been embarrassed by your breasts?" Love that Cosmo! Always so adept at creating insecurities women didn't know they were supposed to have! [Cosmopolitan]
battle of the sexes
Dude Calls Bullshit On Cosmo's Dude Decoding
Over on testosterone-fuled blog DoubleViking, Kevin Palmer has written a piece called "Lies Cosmo Tells Women." You see,Cosmopolitan has a dude-decoding feature, "Understanding His Baffling Behavior," which explains why men do what they do, and in his piece, Palmer, an actual man, corrects the magazine's editors, laying out the truth. For instance: Why do guys always sit with their legs splayed? Cosmo says women are taught to keep their legs together as a way of not inviting sex. Notes Helen Fisher, PhD, "In contrast, a man is saying, 'Come and get it.'" Palmer's argument? "It is a comfort factor, are we supposed to sit there with our legs crossed or tightly put together with our hands placed upon our knees? That isn't comfortable." Huh. We thought it was because the menfolk like to keep air flowing around the junk area! Fascinating! So, hey, why do guys hardly ever change their sheets? More »
signature psychoses
Cosmo Girl Hilary Duff: Intuitive, Practical And Younger Than She Looks
Happy (early) New Year! For its January issue, Cosmopolitan interviews singer/actress Hilary Duff, who talks about her hockey player boyfriend, becoming an adult, and how obsessing about weight just leads to unhappiness. (Something we could all do well to remember.) Not exactly enticing stuff, to be sure, but, as usual, there's another begging-to-be-analyzed, accompanying handwritten "Cosmo Quiz" alongside Hilary's profile. After the jump, graphologist Sheila Kurtz takes a look at the starlet's handwriting so we can better "understand" the young woman behind the lavender Gaultier halter-top dress. More »
foreign objects, intimate orifices
Ever Gotten Something Stuck So Far You Needed The ER To Dig It Out? Cosmo Goes There
Remember how in the Jackass movie when Chris Pontius put that matchbox car up his ass and got himself X-Rayed and you thought it was soooooooo original and hilarious and uniquely twisted and awesome? And then you met your first real-life seasoned ER doctor and you realized OMG real people are actually soooooo much more gross? Well, "Sex Sessions That Ended In The ER," a story in next month's Cosmo is — aside from being perhaps the least blueballing cover line in the history of Cosmo — is sort of like that, and although I'm sure they've done this feature before, why the fuck haven't I seen it? I've been reading this magazine for nine months; do you have any idea how many times they have suggested to me that lubricating his member with saliva from my tongue makes for good foreplay???I'll never forget the time an ambulance brought a young slacker guy and his girlfriend. They had decided to get it on in his grandmother's basement while she was out of the house. They'd grabbed a tube of what they thought was lubricant. Unfortunately it wsa nitroglycerin paste, a heart drug that can cause a potentially fatal drop in blood pressure.More »
