Voting for Obama Was Totally Gay, and It Was Crucial to His Victory

Maybe speaking out in support of same-sex marriage was more than a moral move, after all. According to the gurus over at FiveThirtyEight, the gay vote was crucial to an Obama win this election. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE OBAMA IS A GAY MUSLIM MUSLIN FILIPINO SPACE ALIEN FROM PLANET KENYAN BUTT PLUGS?? Or, uh, maybe it's… » 11/15/12 11:00pm 11/15/12 11:00pm

Thanks for Nothing: Romney Canceled Staff Credit Cards Before They Even…

Apparently Romney aides taking cabs home after his concession speech were told by their drivers that, "Dee-clined. Waa waahhhh." How embarrassing! It was a real Phyllis "They cut my credit card in half!" Neffler moment, yall. Must suck to get slapped with the reality of the assholery of the man they'd dedicated… » 11/09/12 9:30am 11/09/12 9:30am

Romney's Concession Speech: 'Thank you, Paul Ryan. Besides Ann, he was…

Mitt Romney community theater acts his way through a fairly typical concession speech — restating his views of restarting business and entrepreneurship. He wished the President and his family well, and prayed that the President will be successful in guiding our nation. The crowd is mostly respectful, except for a… » 11/07/12 1:07am 11/07/12 1:07am

Theory: Mitt Romney Brainwashed Himself

This video of Mitt Romney flipping out on a Des Moines radio host in 2007 has gone viral-ish. While Romney's insistence on a set of beliefs that many Americans (who believe in just as strange, albeit more popular things) would interpret as bizarre is unsettling, what's strangest about the video is how this 2007… » 11/06/12 4:00pm 11/06/12 4:00pm

Mitt Romney Secretly Films People While They Sleep

If elected tomorrow, Mittens Mittbot Von Mittingham Romney will not only be the first Mormon ever to occupy the White House, he'll also break boundaries as America's creepiest ever President. Even creepier than Zachary Taylor, whose nickname was "Old Rough n' Ready." But how could Mitt Romney be creepier than John… » 11/05/12 5:45pm 11/05/12 5:45pm

Your Handy Guide to Last Minute Election Fuckery

Thank the gods of Toby Keith and Lee Greenwood's secret lovenest that this endless, yammering election cycle is finally in the home stretch, and barring some kind of mass craziness, most of this democratic process infotainment cacophony should be over in 48 hours. Of course, the operative phrase here is "barring some… » 11/05/12 11:40am 11/05/12 11:40am

Mitt Romney Is a Flip-Flopping Liar Liar Pants on Fire, in Under Four…

Here's a great compilation of Romney's incessant back-and-forth — it gets a lot across in just a few minutes. So, here's the plan: you're gonna tie all the undecided voters you know to a giant couch and make them watch this on repeat, a la A Clockwork Orange, OK? It's a good plan. I think. » 11/05/12 10:00am 11/05/12 10:00am

"EL-MO! We won't go!" Puppets March on Washington

The Million Puppet March stormed Washington D.C. on Saturday demanding equal rights for puppets! JK, there weren't actually a million puppets because there isn't enough dirty carpet in the world to make them; and they weren't demanding equal rights, although I kinda think they deserve them because they're just as… » 11/05/12 9:30am 11/05/12 9:30am

Mitt Romney Suspends Campaign, Campaigns Anyway, Then Sends the Red…

In the wake of Hurricane Sandy, Mitt Romney announced that he’s halting his Presidential campaign so he can collect supplies to send to the Red Cross. Except instead of canceling his campaign events, Mitt Romney just rechristened them “storm relief events” and continued to hold rallies, this time complete with photo… » 10/31/12 3:40pm 10/31/12 3:40pm

Tami Taylor Confirms That Women of Friday Night Lights Would Hate Mitt…

Connie Britton, who Friday Night Lights fans will know forever and ever and ever as Tami Taylor, has caught wind of the gross co-opting of the phrase "Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can't lose." by Mitt Romney's kleptomarketing squadron. And she's got some strong words for Romney: the women of Dillon, Texas would find Mr.… » 10/29/12 11:35am 10/29/12 11:35am

Compassionate Mitt Romney Thinks Gay Parents Aren't Real Parents

You guys, I'm about to tell you something shocking that I doubt anyone saw coming: Mitt Romney — smiling, gazing longingly at people, wincing and blinking, skin tanned by the bright orange Jergens sun, hair shellacked to look like a baby Ronald Reagan, hugger of babies, loving America so much he lets it be the little… » 10/26/12 2:00pm 10/26/12 2:00pm

Clear Eyes, Zero Class: Mitt Romney's Now Selling Plagiarized Friday…

After Mitt Romney began shamelessly ganking the signature Friday Night Lights line "Clear eyes, full hearts, AMERICA, can't lose," the creator of the beloved Texas football drama wrote the campaign a letter asking them to stop plagiarizing him (truth be told, he should have also requested Romney stop being a dork.… » 10/22/12 4:20pm 10/22/12 4:20pm

Listen Up, Men: Here's How Romney's Views on Women Will Make Your Life…

In an ideal world, farts would smell like Febreze and people would be able to empathize with the plights of others without needing to have made into something About Them, but this world is far from ideal. Farts smell awful and men, as a population, are not excellent at empathizing with women. So here's the reality… » 10/22/12 11:50am 10/22/12 11:50am

Ruh Roh, Romney: Salt Lake Tribune Endorses Obama

The Salt Lake Tribune, the paper of record in the eye of the Mormon storm, has endorsed President Barack Obama. They endorsed Obama in 2008, too, but many expected Romney's Mormon faith (and the fact that he pulled hard for the 2002 Olympics in SLC) to outshine common sense and the fact that he's a lying liar who… » 10/21/12 8:30pm 10/21/12 8:30pm

Is Mitt Romney's Outdated View of Family a Threat to Modern Society?

During Tuesday night's second presidential debate, while answering a question about assault rifles, Mitt Romney veered off on a family-values tangent. "But gosh, to tell our kids that before they have babies, they ought to think about getting married to someone, that's a great idea," he said. Earlier in the night,… » 10/19/12 6:30pm 10/19/12 6:30pm

Mormon Feminists Shockingly Not Impressed with Mitt Romney

Just as matching genitalia is not enough to get a lady feminist to support a female candidate, it turns out that so too is matching religion not enough to convince a Mormon feminist to vote for Mitt Romney. Not only is the small, but active community of American Mormon feminists not going to vote for him, they're… » 10/19/12 2:00pm 10/19/12 2:00pm

Romney's 'Binders Full of Women' Gaffe Inspires Amazing Amazon Reviews

Sure, Mitt Romney said way more infuriating things about us womenfolk during this week's presidential debate than the fact that he was presented with "binders of them." But none were more memeorable. (Get it?!?) And so we are thrilled that people are now spamming Amazon with hilarious reviews for binders (OF WOMEN). » 10/18/12 5:00pm 10/18/12 5:00pm

Fox News Mad that The View Was Totally Mean to Ann Romney

Today's episode of The View was supposed to boast a double shot of Romney, but when Mitt backed out due to "scheduling conflicts," his nice wife Ann appeared on the program by herself. And when the hosts of the show asked her about issues rather than gently tossing her nice, Ann-appropriate softballs, the outrage… » 10/18/12 4:00pm 10/18/12 4:00pm