CLEVELAND — Two southern delegates discussed Ted Cruz’s speech last night in the slow-moving cattle drive toward the security perimeter exit outside Quicken Loans Arena last night.
If Ted Cruz doesn’t jerk it to this headline, I’ll eat $100.
Welcome to ConBag, a daily roundup of gossip from the Republican National Convention, which we are attending for four very long days.
With the Republican National Convention looming, Donald Trump, our favorite fascist wad of upchucked puréed carrots, needs to corral supporters who will stimulate the crowd. Unfortunately for him, some of the party’s most popular members plan to steer clear of the event.
Yesterday, the UK voted—essentially by accident, both on the part of the pompous drip who called the referendum and the voters who didn’t bother to learn what it meant—to exit the European Union. Today, David Cameron resigned, the pound plunged to its lowest level since 1985, global financial markets plummeted, and …
Ted Cruz’s campaign for the Republican nomination, which is as dead as his heart, eyes and face skin, has pooped out one final, sputtering video. It is titled “No Regrets.”
On a Tuesday conference call with the Cruz campaign’s National Prayer Team, Heidi Cruz compared the change Ted Cruz would surely make in the United States to the abolition of slavery. But what has Cruz liberated us from, other than my own sexual desire???
How will Ted Cruz’s presidential campaign be remembered? Predicting history is a fool’s errand but it seems like a safe bet that Cruz will go down as the Republican candidate so openly distasteful that he made Donald Trump seem palatable.
Since the fateful day Ted Cruz announced his now-suspended presidential campaign, his daughters Caroline Cruz, age 7, along with her sister Catherine, 5, have been trotted out regularly, always in matching outfits, in a largely ineffective bid to help their father pretend that he is not the golem of Prague.
Earlier this week, the National Enquirer published a groundbreaking investigation that would prove fatal to the Ted Cruz campaign: TED CRUZ FATHER LINKED TO JFK ASSASSINATION. But is any of it true? After an exhaustive investigation of our own, Gawker has concluded that, sure, why not!
After a crushing defeat in Indiana, the soggiest senator Ted Cruz announced that he would end his presidential campaign. The decision was no doubt a blow to the small pocket of Christian conservatives who had, above all odds, held out hope that this snarling bespawler would somehow trounce Donald Trump. But it was not…
Perpetual former candidate for president Ted Cruz ran a very particular kind of campaign. A campaign that some might have called “nauseating” or “hard to watch.” But this evening, no one had a harder time watching than Heidi Cruz—because her husband’s elbow was jammed directly into her face.
On Monday night’s episode of her show, Rachel Maddow excitedly introduced a man named Bill Bogert, the star of “Confessions of a Republican,” a famous, 4-minute political ad produced in 1964 for Lyndon B. Johnson’s presidential campaign. Bogert, whose 1964 self I will somewhat disrespectfully suggest is worthy of a …
Carly Fiorina hasn’t been able to claim very many “wins” in her life. HP was a disaster. Her run for the Senate was a disaster. And most recently, her bid for the presidency was a disaster. But now, Carly Fiorina has made her gravest mistake of all: Accepting a position in which she’s forced to touch Ted Cruz…
With the race for the Republican nomination growing ever more heated and mangled, it’s time to settle a pressing question: is Ted Cruz, Humanoid Ratigan, Texas senator, and GOP presidential candidate actually the Zodiac killer? A Yahoo News reporter turned to Cruz’s wife, Heidi, to address the matter.
When you aren’t giving a stump speech, the campaign trail is a chance to prove you’re a nice, fun-loving American who likes things that nice, fun-loving Americans like. Repellant also-ran Ted Cruz’s target demographic involves impressing people who love to pray, shoot, and, importantly, eat.
At a rally in La Porte, Indiana on Sunday, Carly Fiorina introduced the Cruz family before immediately falling off a low stage.
At a rally in South Bend, Indiana yesterday, Ted Cruz continued his “I am a human” tour with newfound running mate Carly Fiorina. And as he took to the stage with his companion and progeny, loving, human father Ted Cruz reached down to his daughter, Caroline, to show the cameras just how much he cares. As any rational…
A San Jose couple was found murdered in their home Sunday afternoon. Their two sons, ages 22 and 17, are now being held without bail on suspicion of murder. Anonymous sources who claim to have seen the murder scene told several local news agencies that a “rambling diatribe” was written on the walls and floor.
Former Speaker of the House John Boehner gave an extremely candid talk at Stanford University on Wednesday evening, in which he gave attendees permission to call him “boner” (“You can call me boner, beaner, jackass, happy to answer to almost anything”) and graced writers ‘cross the internet with the one thing that…