Today, president Donald Trump signed S.442, aka the National Aeronautics and Space Administration Transition Authorization Act of 2017, which authorizes $19.5 billion in funding for the agency in 2018. The bill emphasizes the importance of human spaceflight and exploring the solar system—but says nothing about the…
Earlier today, Donald Trump met with two dozen manufacturing CEOs to talk about things that have to do with manufacturing, probably. But as soon as the CEO of Campbell’s introduced herself, Trump seized on the opportunity to take away perhaps the only thing Ted Cruz has ever loved—his beloved Campbell’s Chunky™ Soup.
Remember when things were fun? I sort of can if I push all my anxieties way down and try to pretend like reality is a dream. So let’s do that now. Because as of yesterday, it has officially been one year since the single greatest two minutes of the entire election: Ben Carson’s big walkout disaster.
Senators Bernie Sanders and Ted Cruz, two people the country wanted as their president even less than the two options we ended up with, will waste everyone’s time and whittle away at the precious supply of sanity we have left with a televised debated about the future of Obamacare.
Here at Deadspin.com, there’s nothing we love more than sport. So we were delighted to learn that perpetual failed candidate for president Ted Cruz started a weekly Senate basketball game in hopes of making his colleagues hate him less. Which is great for Ted Cruz, but doesn’t do much for us. We want to right this…
There’s never exactly a good time to be Ted Cruz. His mannerisms are stilted, his friends are nonexistent, and he has far more skin than any one human should ever possess. There are, however, less-bad times to be Ted. And 2016 was not one of those years.
“It’s really hard for a lot of conservative women to contemplate the idea of feminism because it’s been so owned by liberal democrats pushing very progressive policy ideas,” Amanda Carpenter, a CNN contributor and former communications aide to Sen. Ted Cruz, said in a Washington Post video released yesterday. But…
Do you know who has been so dramatic lately? And by “lately,” I mean since at least his senior year of high school? Here’s a hint: he’s got tiny little eyes and loves the word “abortifacient”!
Not two months after declining to endorse Donald Trump, Ted Cruz has endorsed Donald Trump—the man who insulted his wife, questioned his integrity and owned him so thoroughly that just about the only thing he had left was his grubby endorsement.
If Ted Cruz doesn’t jerk it to this headline, I’ll eat $100.
Welcome to ConBag, a daily roundup of gossip from the Republican National Convention, which we are attending for four very long days.
With the Republican National Convention looming, Donald Trump, our favorite fascist wad of upchucked puréed carrots, needs to corral supporters who will stimulate the crowd. Unfortunately for him, some of the party’s most popular members plan to steer clear of the event.
Yesterday, the UK voted—essentially by accident, both on the part of the pompous drip who called the referendum and the voters who didn’t bother to learn what it meant—to exit the European Union. Today, David Cameron resigned, the pound plunged to its lowest level since 1985, global financial markets plummeted, and …
Ted Cruz’s campaign for the Republican nomination, which is as dead as his heart, eyes and face skin, has pooped out one final, sputtering video. It is titled “No Regrets.”
On a Tuesday conference call with the Cruz campaign’s National Prayer Team, Heidi Cruz compared the change Ted Cruz would surely make in the United States to the abolition of slavery. But what has Cruz liberated us from, other than my own sexual desire???
Since the fateful day Ted Cruz announced his now-suspended presidential campaign, his daughters Caroline Cruz, age 7, along with her sister Catherine, 5, have been trotted out regularly, always in matching outfits, in a largely ineffective bid to help their father pretend that he is not the golem of Prague.
After a crushing defeat in Indiana, the soggiest senator Ted Cruz announced that he would end his presidential campaign. The decision was no doubt a blow to the small pocket of Christian conservatives who had, above all odds, held out hope that this snarling bespawler would somehow trounce Donald Trump. But it was not…
On Monday night’s episode of her show, Rachel Maddow excitedly introduced a man named Bill Bogert, the star of “Confessions of a Republican,” a famous, 4-minute political ad produced in 1964 for Lyndon B. Johnson’s presidential campaign. Bogert, whose 1964 self I will somewhat disrespectfully suggest is worthy of a …
With the race for the Republican nomination growing ever more heated and mangled, it’s time to settle a pressing question: is Ted Cruz, Humanoid Ratigan, Texas senator, and GOP presidential candidate actually the Zodiac killer? A Yahoo News reporter turned to Cruz’s wife, Heidi, to address the matter.
When you aren’t giving a stump speech, the campaign trail is a chance to prove you’re a nice, fun-loving American who likes things that nice, fun-loving Americans like. Repellant also-ran Ted Cruz’s target demographic involves impressing people who love to pray, shoot, and, importantly, eat.