If anyone could school the Republicans on reproductive rights, it'd probably be Susie Essman's no-bullshit character on Curb Your Enthusiasm. She'd insult them so hard their heads would spin, and then she'd have them under her command. It's too bad she's fictional, but fortunately the real Susie Essman also has a smart …

The Cinema Society Screening of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse at Crosby Street Hotel took place on a muggy, gross night. And just looking at the stars' weird fashion choices made us feel hot. Not in the sexy way.

• Tabloid reporters have been harassing Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr about when they'd get married for years, and today his rep confirmed that they're engaged.

• Someone is trying to sell the needle Dr. Conrad Murray allegedly used to give Michael Jackson the drugs that killed him to Las Vegas auction houses for $5 million. A source explains:

In today's Daily Mirror: "Curb Your Enthusiasm star Susie Essman has revealed fans are always approaching her and begging her to shout and swear at them." We suggest Susie direct them them here. [Mirror, Earlier]

• Jim Carrey's daughter, Jane, gave birth to a son named Jackson Riley Santana, which means that Ace Ventura is someone's grandfather, which means that I'm getting old. I'm also looking for Ray Finkle. And a clean pair of shorts! [People]

Though she does a good job of evincing delight at insulting her fictional husband on Curb Your Enthusiasm for being a "fat fuck," in real life Essman sounds more sensitive. And so does Garlin.

Susie Essman on her famously self-confident alter-ego: "Susie Greene thinks she is drop-dead gorgeous and everything she chooses to put on is drop-dead gorgeous. Imagine being like that." [NYT]

• The new single from a singer named Lola is actually a track by Jennifer Lopez.