The scene: You're at home on your couch, watching Mad Men, bathing in a commercial coma pattern of luxury car/Christina Hendricks' Johnnie Walker whiskey/luxury car when BOOM: the most horrendous noise fills the air. You sit up, shocked because...could it be...no...are those the decidedly un-dulcet tones of the…
I know it's hard to believe (seriously), but Beyonce Knowles does not, in fact, look like a luminous sun-kissed angel 24/7. Particularly when she's in the middle of incredibly strenuous Super Bowl halftime performances. Weird! It's almost as though she's a human being with muscles and a face! Anyway, when BuzzFeed ran…
We all know Beyoncé and Jay-Z and members of the Illuminati, that global network of special (rich) empowered people whose actions dictate the course of events throughout the entire world. With her 12-minute song and dance routine and captive audience of millions, Bey had ample opportunity to shill for the New World…
Did you see the weirdest commercial to air during last night's Super Bowl? It's doubtful unless you live in Oklahoma, Texas, and Montana because those are the only states to air the Old Milwaukee beer ad featuring a mustacheoed Will Ferrell making out with a woman on a bus to the tune of a Chinese song called —…
Beyonce taught us several lessons at tonight's Super Bowl halftime show. We can't even begin to understand what they all were, but you can be sure numbers 1-50 were "DON'T QUESTION ME." All hail Queen Bey.
Don't feel like watching Joe Flacco mouth breathe into his helmet this Super Bowl Sunday? That's just fine by Gertrude Stein's ghost, who'd much rather you buy her a birthday cake, mute your television, and join her in critiquing the aesthetic shortcomings of contemporary advertising. Who knows? Maybe she'll take a…
Diamond Miles, of New Orleans, walks through the French Quarter selling Super Bowl themed parasols which she and her cousin made for football fans, Saturday, Feb. 2, 2013, in New Orleans. The city will host NFL football's Super Bowl XLVII between the Baltimore Ravens and the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday. (AP…
If you've seen the stultifying ouroboros ad
Congratulations, sports fans! It's the greatest day of the year and not because of some lame-ass human football game. No, it's the greatest day of the year because it's the 9th Annual Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet! Grab some brews, order some wings and get ready to watch a bunch of adorable puppies wrestle around while a …
Ashley Madison, the attention-starved
Michelle Williams, the member of Destiny's Child who could most easily be replaced by a singing bagel without anyone noticing, is claiming she might be too busy and therefore unable to attend Destiny Child's Super Bowl halftime show she sends her regrets kthxbye. Latest reports have her responding to the question of…
Internet secret-touchings library PornHub "tried" (suuuuuure) to create an ad that would meet network TV standards for the Super Bowl broadcast—the result is a cute, innocuous little thing about amorous elderlies—and now that it's been summarily rejected, everyone on the internet is watching it anyway. Without even…
From the New York Post, the publication which just two days ago brought us the epic tale of Lena Dunham's "sloppy backside,"
It's January, which means that you get to spend the next few weeks huddled over a space heater waiting for Super Bowl Sunday to descend on you like an unholy, Pepsi-sponsored carrion bird. Super Bowl commercials have achieved their own level of notoriety in the American media landscape, and the economic health of…
Tyra Banks, entrepreneur, self-declared "fivehead" and human being as delightful as she is batshit, denied to Steve Harvey that she was recently romanced by the much-younger Drake as well as her America's Next Top Model co-star Robert Evans. In the process, she unleashed a crazed monologue that invokes Sarah Kane at her…
In this week's TV roundup, Downton's staff might be headed towards a big change, relationships are made and broken inside Ikea on 30 Rock, Die Antwoord freaks out David Letterman, and Portlandia gets into Battlestar.
While M.I.A. had no trouble sending a message at the Super Bowl with her middle finger, there was another woman at the game who never got the chance to spread her far less controversial message to the world. If you were watching at home, you probably didn't realize that while Kelly Clarkson, Miranda Lambert, and Blake…
Never one to shy away from controversy, fashion legend Karl Lagerfeld has once again said something ridiculous. Proving that he would make an excellent frenemy, he gave singer Adele a very bitchy backhanded compliment. Speaking to Metro Paris, he said, "The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she…
Pulled into the arena by gladiators, clad in the gleaming gold headdress of an ancient Egyptian-Greco-Roman empress, 53-year-old Madonna strutted, kicked, squat-thrusted and yogilates-cized her way through an epic halftime performance at the Super Bowl last night. Her Madgesty was mostly covered up — from ankle to…
Eli or Tom? Schnauzer or terrier? The choice is yours...
Here's something to write your local congressperson about: American advertisers are pushing cats to the fringes of pop culture, starting with a slate of canine-normative Super Bowl commercials. Of the three — three! — major pet commercials, not one will feature a kitty, which might be cause for concern if you're a…
The Harry Potter movies may be about the adventures of wholesome kids, but things behind the scenes weren't nearly as innocent. Daniel Radcliffe has admitted that he was in the throes of a major drinking problem while filming the series, and he'd often show up for work drunk. God, first Pat Sajak and now this. In an…
This Sunday, Giants quarterback Eli Manning faces off against Patriots quarterback Tom Brady in the Super Bowl (the rest of the teams will face off, too, I think — I don't know anything about football [Ed: Yes.]), but who cares about that? Let's talk about their wives Abby Manning and Gisele Bundchen, the "First…
How sweet of Teleflora to remind us ladies, just in case we forgot how gift-giving works, that we are obligated to have sex with our man if he does anything nice for us this Valentine's Day... Honestly, they fucked this thing up so badly that I think they owe themselves a bouquet!
Operation Rescue's Talking Sphincter-in-Charge Randall Terry is running for President as a Democrat, and he's using federal election law to force TV stations to air his graphic bloody fetus campaign ads during the Super Bowl. Will his propaganda be encouraging you to barf up your nachos on a TV near you this Sunday?…
Some of you may care about the outcome of the upcoming Super Bowl (unless, like many, you're already convinced of the grossness of both teams and are rooting for Legionnaire's disease). However, as always, cheating website Ashley Madison is asking the tough questions: who would married ladies rather do, Eli Manning or…
If you've spent hours fretting that there aren't enough feminist candy spokespeople, here's some good news for you: M&M's will unveil a new lady character in an exciting Super Bowl commercial. Her name is Ms. Brown, and she represents, you guessed it, the brown M&M! She will join the five other talking M&M mascots—red,…
Who do you think is going to win the Super Bowl this year? The Green Bay Packers? The Patriots? Tim Tebow cloned a bunch of times playing against an entire other team of Tim Tebows? Wrong, wrong and wrong. The winner of the Super Bowl this year is Randall Terry. The pro-life zealot has won the right to air graphic…
