The scene: You're at home on your couch, watching Mad Men, bathing in a commercial coma pattern of luxury car/Christina Hendricks' Johnnie Walker whiskey/luxury car when BOOM: the most horrendous noise fills the air. You sit up, shocked because...could it be...no...are those the decidedly un-dulcet tones of the…

I know it's hard to believe (seriously), but Beyonce Knowles does not, in fact, look like a luminous sun-kissed angel 24/7. Particularly when she's in the middle of incredibly strenuous Super Bowl halftime performances. Weird! It's almost as though she's a human being with muscles and a face! Anyway, when BuzzFeed ran…

We all know Beyoncé and Jay-Z and members of the Illuminati, that global network of special (rich) empowered people whose actions dictate the course of events throughout the entire world. With her 12-minute song and dance routine and captive audience of millions, Bey had ample opportunity to shill for the New World…

Did you see the weirdest commercial to air during last night's Super Bowl? It's doubtful unless you live in Oklahoma, Texas, and Montana because those are the only states to air the Old Milwaukee beer ad featuring a mustacheoed Will Ferrell making out with a woman on a bus to the tune of a Chinese song called —…

Beyonce taught us several lessons at tonight's Super Bowl halftime show. We can't even begin to understand what they all were, but you can be sure numbers 1-50 were "DON'T QUESTION ME." All hail Queen Bey.

Don't feel like watching Joe Flacco mouth breathe into his helmet this Super Bowl Sunday? That's just fine by Gertrude Stein's ghost, who'd much rather you buy her a birthday cake, mute your television, and join her in critiquing the aesthetic shortcomings of contemporary advertising. Who knows? Maybe she'll take a…

Diamond Miles, of New Orleans, walks through the French Quarter selling Super Bowl themed parasols which she and her cousin made for football fans, Saturday, Feb. 2, 2013, in New Orleans. The city will host NFL football's Super Bowl XLVII between the Baltimore Ravens and the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday. (AP…

If you've seen the stultifying ouroboros ad for Kate Upton's Super Bowl ad for Mercedes, then you're probably bored. So bored, in fact, that you've taken to the Wall Street Journal blog to reinvigorate your lust for life, your joie, your wonder at the bacterial Caligula orgy we so blithely call "life." But you've been…

Congratulations, sports fans! It's the greatest day of the year and not because of some lame-ass human football game. No, it's the greatest day of the year because it's the 9th Annual Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet! Grab some brews, order some wings and get ready to watch a bunch of adorable puppies wrestle around while a …

Ashley Madison, the attention-starved company that aims to facilitate extramarital affairs, has released a fairly gross, Super Bowl-themed print ad (what is this, 1985??) in the San Francisco Examiner. The ad features a lady ref wearing a mini-skirt. Two football teams leer at her while she flips a coin that, quite…