Sophie Lucido Johnson is a writer, illustrator, and comedian in Chicago. She is the editor-in-chief of Neutrons Protons, and she blogs and makes comics at her website. Illustrations by the author. 

For most of my many summers living in New York City, I never went to the beach. Year after year, I’d see photos of my friends spending their weekend afternoons schlepping to Riis beach or the Rockaways and feel not even the slightest pang of jealousy.

The summer bucket list is a well-traveled genre, and one particularly suited to the expression of one’s most intimate dreams and aspirations. Our summer selves are a little wilder, and more daring—or so we hope—and the large swaths of unstructured time facilitate all manner of adventures. Like, for example, “[camping]…

Out on the street where you live, it’s finally summer. Maybe this means that the world outside your door is as hot as the surface of the sun or the trees have conspired to drown you in allergens, but regardless, winter has finally gone and died and guess what; it’s time to ride your bicycle.

My dad likes to tell a story of a beach vacation my family went on when I was about five years old. We lived in North Carolina and had gotten up super early to drive to the coast, which was about four hours away. As the story goes, my exhausted father looked over at me at some point and thought “Wow, she’s started to…

When we head out in the sun, we just want a sunscreen that will protect our skin and not kill us. That’s not too much to ask, is it? But the Environmental Working Group (EWG) wants us to pick the best sunscreen, and nags us with true but not very useful facts: This one contains an ingredient that caused cancer in a…

What the hell is going on with swimsuits these days? I know the world as a whole is spiraling into a pit of nothingless bullshit, but must we be ill-outfitted in a supply of uncomfortable swimwear as the oceans rise and Utah becomes the hot new beach destination?

It’s that time of the year again where I’m getting a taste of the summer months to come. More specifically, this weekend it was 80 degrees in Los Angeles and I was reminded what it’s like to be hot as hell while simply trying to live my life. So I committed myself to immediately purchasing more dresses and rompers to…

Summer is over. The bony, trembling fingers of Fall beckon us into the darkness. But People is trying to tell me that “everyone” in Hollywood owns this $45 black nylon tricot high-cut one piece from American Apparel, and I am wondering: why? It’s bad.

Flying roaches could be a nuisance in New York due to this sock-funk weather we’re currently experiencing.

Monday is July 4, the moment in my personal wheel of the year when I realize summer’s already a month gone and I’d better hurry myself to a public pool once or twice, lest Labor Day roll around and I feel like I wasted the season yet again. One of the surefire shortcuts I will take in my route to vibes: regularly…

As a woman slurred in my face last weekend, “It’s the season for rosé!” Close, but not quite: it’s frosé season, pals.

Target is gearing up for summer (it’s June!) and part of that gearing up means making sure the mega-department store’s Targetinistas (made it up) are ready to hit the waves in style. First things first, we’ll need a swimsuit that perfectly matches our personality.

Meanwhile, across the pond: worries about a prosecco shortage are reaching crisis levels, as high demand forces grocery store Sainsbury’s to cancel a discount on the seasonal treat. Will summer 2016 recover?

Is it sadistic that “Good Times,” the song of the summer, is finally blessed with an official video as we enter shitty October? As a seasonal work of art, it seems to ask us to mourn all we have lost—pools, sun, fun, happiness, rooftop jams, chill vibes—in the penultimate month before winter destroys us.

Welcome to Boozinette. This is the Summer’s Swan Song.

According to the accompanying caption, this is a “cartoon showing a hot summer in the city resulting in everyone taking to the roofs for some breeze.” Novel idea: maybe skip the frock coat in a heat wave? But no, no, Victorian proprieties must be observed.

All this time you were worried about the water, but the sand is the real problem.

With swimsuit season finally here, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have decided to brighten your summer by releasing an important new report which confirms that yes, your gross red swimmer’s eyes are caused by the large amounts of pee in the pool and not by chlorine as previously thought.