The MTA Will Finally Chastise Men Whose Balls Need Three Seats

I have testicles, they're fairly sizeable (physically, not metaphorically), and they don't need a separate seat on the subway. In fact, no matter how big someone's balls are (again, speaking from a purely physical standpoint), they will never need an extra seat. Yet some men continue to sit on the train as though they… » 11/18/14 5:45pm 11/18/14 5:45pm

How to Ignore a Man Who Is Trying to Pick You Up on the Subway

A 48-year-old New York City Man by the name of Brian Robinson has penned an instructional manual called How to Meet Women on the Subway. In a recent interview, he claims that during his time in the big horny apple, he's guilt tripped and bullied persuaded 500 women he met on a subway platform into going on dates with… » 10/14/14 11:50am 10/14/14 11:50am

Subway Reminds Women to Stay Thin For Slutty Halloween Costumes

Hey ladaaays, because you've got your priorities straight, I know you've already got your Slutoween costumes on deck because Halloween is the only night of the year where it's acceptable for the ladyfolk to show some skin. But how's that body looking? Is it banging enough? Luckily Subway is here to help ensure that… » 10/02/14 3:20pm 10/02/14 3:20pm

Man Caught Taking Upskirt Videos Looks Exactly How You'd Expect

A 33-year-old Long Island man was arrested in the human anthill known as the Union Square subway station yesterday after cops caught him filming video up a woman's skirt without her knowledge or permission. In the photo local NYC news ran of the man, he is wearing a shirt that reads "I (HEART) ASIAN GIRLS," holding a… » 4/30/14 11:40am 4/30/14 11:40am

Subway Sandwich Bread to No Longer Contain Chemical Found in Yoga Mats

Subway has been feeding us yoga mats. Well, to be specific: The bread at the sandwich chain’s American locations carries a chemical that is also found in yoga mats and sneaker soles for elasticity. This does not happen in Subways abroad, but the company is ditching it here in the good ol' USA, isn’t that nice? » 2/07/14 12:00pm 2/07/14 12:00pm

Meet the Orthodox Woman Behind 'Move the Fuck Over, Bro' Blog

Over at The Jewish Daily Forward, Save the Assistants author Lilit Marcus has the first ever interview with Tzipporah, the blogger who started "Move The Fuck Over, Bro," a blog that posts surreptitiously taken photographs of men who seem to deliberately or obliviously take up too much room on public transportation. » 1/15/14 9:40am 1/15/14 9:40am

Subway is making official Hunger Games sandwiches like it's not insane

So I was all set to joke about how Subway would tie their crappy sandwiches into a movie where kids compete in a brutal contest for the amusement of the rich, and where a brutal revolution might be the only solution, and then I saw the above commercial where they actually fucking did it. » 11/08/13 10:24am 11/08/13 10:24am

Guy Loves Cheese So Much He Eats a Wheel of Brie on the Subway

Yo, I know you thought your week was shaping up pretty good, so I hate to break it to you like this, but what's actually been going on is that your entire existence has been hot garbage up until this moment. Because you didn't even know about a little something called OH, JUST BEN LINUS* EATING AN ENTIRE WHEEL OF… » 10/11/13 7:00pm 10/11/13 7:00pm

Rude PDA on the Subway, Ranked from RUDE to VERY RUDE

Trains are often thought of as romantic places; in trains, beautiful humans have intrigues and kiss each other and cry and eat croissants or whatever. Subways, though, are different story. Subway travel is train travel's depraved little brother who owns The Wicker Man (Nic Cage version) on Blu-ray and pees in a Fanta… » 9/20/13 2:40pm 9/20/13 2:40pm

Subway Shuts Down After Adorable Kittens Get Loose on Tracks

If you live in a city with a mass transit system as sprawling as that of New York City, then you know that all sorts of things can screw up service (weather, passengers holding the doors, disembodied human heads), but has the reason ever been this cute? Late Thursday morning, the Metropolitan Transit Authority was… » 8/30/13 3:05pm 8/30/13 3:05pm