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Her Grace
12/01/09

In reply to Infectious Diseases
This just in: tautology is tautological!

No surprise for me, having been a loner for most of ever.
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jfwlucy
12/01/09

In reply to Infectious Diseases
This reminds me so much of George Sodini who shot up the exercise club, and his eventual extreme isolation from any sort of human contact at all -- how, like any sort of primate shunned by its tribe, he couldn't survive for very long (and ended up committing a psychotic massacre.) Human beings evolved to be social, and it is extraordinarily hard to BE a human being in isolation -- to speak, laugh, dance, etc.

I could only overcome my depression and loneliness through anti-depressants; and I don't view them as a crutch, but as a natural corrective like my contact lenses. I was born with lousy vision, therefore I wear glasses just to be able to see like a normal person. I inherited a lousy brain chemistry, therefore I take Wellbutrin just to be able to feel like a normal person who doesn't want to leap in front of trains or slice her wrists open. I'm not ashamed of it. It saved my life.
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Uncommon Whore
12/01/09

In reply to Infectious Diseases
Great. Just as I was feeling sorry for myself after spending Thanksgiving weekend alone, knowing I'm going to spend Christmas alone too. Awesome.
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girlarchaeologist
12/01/09

@Uncommon Whore: Maybe we can all be alone together.
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Grim Reaper of the Forest
12/01/09

In reply to Infectious Diseases
Having moved to a small town where we know no one (still after a year) and working from home, I understand this dilemma. It is like when you are dating and give off the stench of desperation. I feel like I accost the mail lady and try to get her to talk to me whenever she has to drop off a package.
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Teh Indiciiia, professional flower whore
12/01/09

@Grim Reaper of the Forest: I'm in a big city (by Canada standards), and I work from home. But Vancouver is notoriously 'Don't Talk To Me', so I can relate.

Chatty online sites like this one help a LOT.

Small towns are tricky, though. I was always told that you should (a)get a church and (b)join the local clubs to meet people.
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Grim Reaper of the Forest promoted this comment Edited by Teh Indiciiia, professional flower whore at 12/01/09 12:02 PM

Grim Reaper of the Forest
12/01/09

@indiciabrocade: I even went to church a few times with my husband and no one talked to us, even though we were quite obviously new. That's rural Maine for you. People are very nice, just extremely reserved.
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noisy doll
12/01/09

In reply to Infectious Diseases
It's very difficult when a friend is specifically lonely in the romance department, and no matter how many friends he has, he won't stop talking about how lonely he is because he wants a girlfriend, or how badly he wants to get laid. It's at the point where I'm not even allowed to mention that I would like a boyfriend or an end to my own celibacy, because his constant answer is "well there's always me, and I'm lonely!"

We try to get him to focus on how many wonderful friends he has, but he only seems to dwell on the times when he can't get a hold of a friend for a night, or the fact that he doesn't have a girlfriend. It's getting very frustrating because I'm running out of things to tell him, and just being a friend doesn't seem to be enough anymore.

I know what it's like to be dropped during a tough run; a lot of friends just kind of conveniently disappeared when my dad died of a heart attack, and then came back once they "realized everything was fine" (once I decided that faking being fine was the key to keeping friends). But this has been going on for almost two straight years, and it's the topic of choice every time we hang out. Obviously I feel sorry that he isn't getting something that's important to him, but I'm reaching the end of my patience for this discussion over and over again.
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bluebears
12/01/09

In reply to Infectious Diseases
Is it possible that "loneliness" as used here is just another way of saying depression? Because sometimes when people are depressed they do a lot of isolating and that can lead to more depression.
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another_uncreative_name
12/01/09

@bluebears: certainly sounds more like depression to me. pushing people away, isolation, sadness, making those around you sad...
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Melpomene
12/01/09

@bluebears: It sounds like it. I'm lonely, and I know it was exactly a result of depression--- it's not that my friends abandoned me, but when I stopped returning their calls, emails, facebook messages, etc, they eventually stopped trying. Forcing myself to fake happiness when I spoke with them was just too challenging...

Although, I suppose I'm extremely fortunate in that I wasn't able to push away those closest to me (boyfriend and best friend), and now that I'm coming out of it (thanks to them), they're still there.
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alula
12/01/09

@another_uncreative_name: With me, it's a combination of depression and social anxiety--the longer I've gone without contacting people, the less confidence I have in my ability to be interesting or lovable. I have to really brace myself to do normal, cheery interactions at work--and I do, although not to the point of friendship--and I've gotten a little better, but it's still a lot of very hard work to attempt remake/renew a social network, even now that I'm "better" depression and anxiety wise. Just being "friendly" and making small talk is fraught with anxiety for me. I try really really hard not to mope or otherwise broadcast my unhappiness, so now I can obsess about a whole new way to make myself fundamentally unlikable/unlovable/forgettable. Whee!
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maude_flanders
12/01/09

@alula: With me, it's a combination of depression and social anxiety--the longer I've gone without contacting people, the less confidence I have in my ability to be interesting or lovable. I have to really brace myself to do normal, cheery interactions at work--and I do, although not to the point of friendship--and I've gotten a little better, but it's still a lot of very hard work to attempt remake/renew a social network, even now that I'm "better" depression and anxiety wise."

Ditto.

More than that--after a horrible past two years at college, just pretending to be "normal" (barely) for teachers in the courses I was failing and in classes/big lectures where everyone else seemed to know each other all sucked the life out of me. Suddenly preparation and anticipation for the most meaningless interactions, the stupidest, smallest tasks or assignments, eventually felt like Sisyphean tasks, or else, frustrating and pointless.

(I've also had cystic acne for the past five years, which only now seems to be receding permanently...crossing my fingers. That sure as hell didn't help, at all. I'm self-conscious about my looks even without five flaming welts on my face).

At this point...I'm more exhausted than lonely, but when I e-mail friends (including the handful of acquaintances I made in college), there's not much to say. It's awkward, to say the least. Embarrassing.
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TheNewJanBrady
12/01/09

@alula: Oh, I just want to say that I can so relate to this comment. I happened finally to make a work friend who has brought me into her social circle, and thanks to their extreme friendliness and some effort and therapy on my part, I actually have a real, new social network for the first time in years. But I still face crippling feelings of social anxiety and loneliness and unworthiness, which I am working on through therapy. It IS getting better, though. Keep on keeping on. Keep chatting with people at work, and making overtures toward people. I realized I was so afraid to ask people to have a drink or go to a movie, but now I realize that if I get spurned, at least I tried--and most times I don't get spurned. (Then the anxiety is about what to talk about on said friend date, but first things first...)
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o-line
12/01/09

In reply to Infectious Diseases
At last, the burning question posed in Eleanor Rigby has been answered.
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morninggloria
12/01/09

In reply to Infectious Diseases
There's a lotta things about me you don't know anything about, Dottie. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things you shouldn't understand. You don't wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel. So long, Dott.
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anteup
12/01/09

@morninggloria: I have dreams. I'm all alone. I'm rolling a big doughnut and this snake wearing a vest...
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morninggloria
12/01/09

@anteup: Let's talk about your big butt.
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heykoukla
12/01/09

In reply to Infectious Diseases
I'm obviously immune to the disease. I seem to attract lonely people - on trains, buses, when shopping - anytime, really. How can you not talk to someone (particularly older people) or brush them off when they seem lonely? I'll happily stand there and talk for 20 minutes with my arm about to fall off from the weight of my groceries just to not deal with the guilt afterwards.
Shit, I'm destined to be a lonely old woman, aren't I?
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Ms. Esquire
12/01/09

@heykoukla: you've probably helped so many people get through a shitty day. My brother told me that when he was in college, he would go through days without anyone saying a word to him. He would pray for someone to just say hello to him for him to feel less lonely.

So thank you. I really mean it.
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fluxus flucker
12/01/09

@heykoukla: Ironically, I do the same. And yet, I am so fucking lonely...I almost can't stand it sometimes. Its easy for me to care for others. Its much harder for me to care for myself or to believe/trust that others could possibly care for me.
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TheFormerJuneBronson
12/01/09

@heykoukla: I do this too, but because I know what it feels like to be lonely and want to talk to people. I have an isolating career and spend more time alone than most people, and sometimes it's a relief just to make small talk with a store clerk or someone on a train. I like to talk to people. I'm just nearly always trying to run a delicate balance between not enough company and too much.
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heykoukla
12/01/09

@Ms. Esquire: @kellybones: @Leucadia: Aw, I wasn't angling for compliments, but thanks, you guys.
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heykoukla
12/01/09

@fluxus flucker: Those two things go hand-in-hand - a lot of people who care for others and have their empathy switch set to high will neglect their own well-being. I'll bet the people you talk to/care about sense your empathy and think you're pretty wonderful and would be surprised to hear you're lonely.
And loneliness is one of those things we just don't talk about. I would never dream of admitting to my friends/family - even my husband - if I'm lonely, because I just feel like I'd sound pathetic. And, funnily enough, I don't want them to worry about me. It really is ironic, isn't it?
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heykoukla
12/02/09

@TheFormerJuneBronson: Same here, I spend a lot of time on my own at the moment and if I didn't talk to people, I'd spend too much time in my own head. But it's amazing the stories you hear when you just start chatting to people. Like, days later, I'll think, "Who was it who was telling me about how they won a prize to go on a cruise to South Africa in the 60s and they had to borrow fancy clothes to sit at the captain's table?" And then I'll remember, "Oh, that lady on the bus..."
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samethingwedoeverynightpinky
12/01/09

In reply to Infectious Diseases
I guess I'm a scientific anomaly? When I've gotten lonely in the past and been dropped by friends/lovers, I've generally realized that either they were shitty friends in the first place, or that the friendship had reached a natural breaking point where we were draining eachother, and gone on to make new and better friends.
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Clare116
12/01/09

@samethingwedoeverynightpinky: Ah, the old "alone versus lonely" debate. You can be lonely and coupled/befriended, or alone and totally content. I've usually found that loneliness is a state of mind more then a state of circumstances. Thus the post-breakup euphoria of which you speak.
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candleflame
12/01/09

@samethingwedoeverynightpinky: Yes. Maybe some people are loners/lonely because it's hard to find quality relationships and they won't settle for lousy ones.

What I can't figure out is, how do some of the worst people manage to have friends and lovers? Are some people just *that* desperate for company?
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samethingwedoeverynightpinky
12/01/09

@candleflame: I think part of it is that some people never really grow past adolescence. There's a pont I think where friendship and popularity get conflated, and it's more important that the people who you most want to like you are friendly to you than it is that the people you are friendliest with are the people who like you the most. People who are unreliable, mercurial, or straight up mean are a challenge, and therefore their approval feels like winning a test. Only, eventually hopefully you grow up and realize that that the prize you win is a crappy friend, and the people who actually like you the most, for exactly who and what you are, are generally the people you most like being around (unless you don't like yourself.) I think some people never get there, and spend their whole lives trying to get a seat at the cool kids table without actually thinking about whether those are the people they actually want to sit with.
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candleflame
12/01/09

@samethingwedoeverynightpinky: Yes! I had an experience recently that confirms everything you say. It was a work friendship that was going OK, but then we had a new employee come in (temporarily) who my friend just about fell over themselves to be BFFs with. I got swept to the sidelines, which hurt a little, but it was also interesting to see my friend work so hard to win over the new person, who my friend obviously saw as extremely cool and fun (so did a lot of people in our office). Thing is, I got to know this new person a bit myself and found them to be two-faced, petty, dishonest and self-absorbed. I just smiled through it and bided my time. Eventally the new person moved on to another job and my friend expected to pick up with me where we left off. Friend got a nasty surprise, as I was not on standby as expected.

It's a shame because all my friend had to do was continue being my friend AND be friends with the new person. It didn't have to be either/or. But of course, once I got sidelined I saw what kind of friend they really were, so no way I could go back.
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GreyCat
12/01/09

In reply to Infectious Diseases
How can anyone catch your loneliness if you are alone?
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CurtCole
12/01/09

In reply to Infectious Diseases
I'm glad the picture wasn't that little zoloft cloud being, he makes me sad.
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Edited by CurtCole at 12/01/09 9:27 AM CurtCole was starred CurtCole was unstarred

prismatism is Team Bella
12/01/09

@CurtCole:
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CurtCole
12/01/09

@prismatism: HA!
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winner
12/01/09

@CurtCole: The sound of trains in the distance makes me sad. :(
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BetteD
12/01/09

@CurtCole: That cartoon makes me want to weep! Fuck.
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BabyJane
12/01/09

In reply to Infectious Diseases
Why is my post alone in here?
Where is everyone?
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winner
12/01/09

@BabyJane: Ugh! Thanks BabyJ.

Now I feel alonesome...
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BabyJane
12/01/09

@winner: I believe this is appropriate:
[www.sadtrombone.com]
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winner
12/01/09

@BabyJane: Perfect
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Shamrockette
05/11/09

In reply to Life Is High School
When I was in high school, I was very socially awkward and didn't really talk to anyone, since I don't feel comfortable with a whole lot of people. I always did well in my classes and the teachers loved me, but the students in my grade didn't really acknowledge my existence.

I'm still (somewhat) the same way in college, but really, after the hell that is middle school, I just gave up on trying to become popular and I just did my own thing. I've become a bit more outgoing in college, but I still feel the inferiority every day.
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the dodo, the cuckoo, and the nene
05/11/09

@Shamrockette is stickin' to it!: Middle school was by far the worst experience of my life. Far more than high school. Ugh...I shudder just thinking of it. It makes me want to homeschool my future children until high school.
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happysquid
05/11/09

In reply to Life Is High School
Ok, I definitely went to an "atypical" highschool (heavy on the arts, light on the football) but I still knew that i was an oddball that didn't even fit in with the oddballs.

I got this a lot: "Happysquid, you're so...weird" said in that particular tone of voice.

Now, of course, my weirdnesses (speedreading, knowing a lot about tons of bizarre topics, creativity, etc) are a strength but I still feel like someone's gonna call me out for being an outsider.

Anyone else agree?
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the dodo, the cuckoo, and the nene
05/11/09

@happysquid: I know exactly what you mean. I have been called quirky and/or weird for many things, including my love of useless trivia, classical music, my obsession with obscure scientists, and obscure sense of humor. Sometimes I think that my life is a dream. And when I tell people this, they don't quite get it. I don't know if that made any sense, but yeah, the feeling never goes away.
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