Resentful Florida Teen Will Seek Senate Reelection After All, and Honestly, Why Do You Guys Even Care, Go Away

“I have only said like 1000 times I will be a private citizen in January,” failed Republican presidential candidate and agitated ninth grader Marco Rubio tweeted approximately one month ago, in response to a Washington Post story that suggested he was unsure about his political future. On Wednesday, the Washington…

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Stephen Colbert and 'Voltron Candidate' Elizabeth Warren Talk Primaries, Trump, and More 

On Wednesday night, Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren appeared on the Late Show With Stephen Colbert. She was, as always, the smart teacher who talks with her hands and really makes you want to do better in school. Warren and Colbert spoke about a broad range of subjects, from the presidential primary to her…

Useless, Good-For-Nothing Senate Votes to Defund Planned Parenthood and Repeal Obamacare 

The Senate, a group of itinerant time-wasters who assuredly relish the smell of their own farts, has voted along party lines to defund Planned Parenthood and repeal Obamacare. President Obama will veto the measure, and Senate Republicans lack the supermajority they need to overturn the veto. Thus making this—like most…

Major Florida Newspaper: Marco, If You Hate the Senate So Much, Please Just Quit

The Sun-Sentinel’s editorial board published a scathing assessment of Florida Senator and GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio, who has demonstrated a certain lack of commitment to his current post, writing: “If you hate your job, senator, follow the honorable lead of House Speaker John Boehner and resign it.”

Florida Man Once Killed a Goat & Drank Its Blood, Would Like to Be Your Senator 

Augustus Sol Invictus, a 32-year-old lawyer, is running to replace Marco Rubio in the U.S. Senate. In recent days, he’s had to convince his voter base that the fact he once sacrificed a goat and drank its blood shouldn’t sway them against him. He’s also had to deny allegations that he’s a neo-Nazi or that he wants to…

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Virginia Senate Contender Thinks Gays Should Have Separate Bathrooms

Joe Preston is all about making people comfortable, and the Virginia state senate hopeful wants to make sure gays and lesbians are as comfortable as possible. So he’s suggesting that heterosexuals and homosexuals use different bathrooms. For the comfort of the homosexuals, of course, not because people think they’re…