Major Florida Newspaper: Marco, If You Hate the Senate So Much, Please Just Quit

The Sun-Sentinel’s editorial board published a scathing assessment of Florida Senator and GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio, who has demonstrated a certain lack of commitment to his current post, writing: “If you hate your job, senator, follow the honorable lead of House Speaker John Boehner and resign it.” »10/28/15 10:44am10/28/15 10:44am


Florida Man Once Killed a Goat & Drank Its Blood, Would Like to Be Your Senator 

Augustus Sol Invictus, a 32-year-old lawyer, is running to replace Marco Rubio in the U.S. Senate. In recent days, he’s had to convince his voter base that the fact he once sacrificed a goat and drank its blood shouldn’t sway them against him. He’s also had to deny allegations that he’s a neo-Nazi or that he wants to… »10/05/15 1:10pm10/05/15 1:10pm

Senate Republican: Lindsey Graham is a 'Bro with No Ho'

Oh, hey. Illinois Republican Senator Mark Kirk tried to make a joke. That’s — that’s odd. Why do these dudes think they can make jokes? Don’t they have supportive family members or colleagues or close friends to gently take them aside and say, “Senator Mark Kirk, my man, you’re surprisingly OK for a Senate Republican »6/11/15 3:35pm6/11/15 3:35pm

Virginia Senate Contender Thinks Gays Should Have Separate Bathrooms

Joe Preston is all about making people comfortable, and the Virginia state senate hopeful wants to make sure gays and lesbians are as comfortable as possible. So he’s suggesting that heterosexuals and homosexuals use different bathrooms. For the comfort of the homosexuals, of course, not because people think they’re… »6/02/15 3:53pm6/02/15 3:53pm

Loretta Lynch Confirmed as Attorney General After Embarrassing Delay

By a vote of 56-43, Loretta Lynch was confirmed as Attorney General of the United States on Thursday afternoon. It took the do-nothings in the Senate more than five months to take their thumbs out of their asses and stop swordfighting with their proverbial dicks for long enough to take care of this simple task. »4/23/15 2:45pm4/23/15 2:45pm

Senate Republicans Snuck Anti-Abortion Language Into Trafficking Bill 

The Justice for Victims of Trafficking Act should be among the least controversial bills the Senate passes: it's meant to prevent human trafficking, aid its victims, and increase prosecutions. Instead, it's turned into an enormous and enormously stupid fight about abortion. Here we are, America. Everything is… »3/11/15 11:10am3/11/15 11:10am

Joni Ernst Responds to SOTU By Not Discussing It At All

Iowa senator and hog castrating enthusiast Joni Ernst delivered tonight's Republican response to the State of the Union standing in the Armed Services Committee Room and wearing camouflage heels for subtlety. Ernst elected not to respond to the SOTU at all, instead delivering something between a belated campaign ad… »1/20/15 11:30pm1/20/15 11:30pm

Tammy Duckworth Considers Challenging Mark Kirk For Senate Seat

Tammy Duckworth, first female double amputee in the Iraq war, first Asian-American woman elected to represent Illinois in the House, and, most recently, first-time mom, has announced that she's mulling a run for Senate in 2016. For followers (or rueful watchers) of both Illinois and national politics, this is very… »1/19/15 4:50pm1/19/15 4:50pm

Did Barbara Boxer Drop a Hillary 2016 Hint In Her Retirement Video?

Senator Barbara Boxer announced today that after 2016, she will end her long and illustrious career in the US Senate. To announce this, she released a very awkward video that included a seemingly random cameo by her grandson, a poem, and a stated desire to "make history" with the 2016 Democratic nominee for President… »1/08/15 2:15pm1/08/15 2:15pm

On Their First Day Back, Congress Introduces Abortion Ban

Never ones to waste a second in their unending quest to fuck you over, on the first day of the new Congress, House Republicans re-introduced a bill to ban abortion after 20 weeks. It'll pass, and then it'll go to the Senate, where it'll also pass, and then it'll go to the president, who will veto it. This is a solid,… »1/07/15 3:30pm1/07/15 3:30pm

Someone Please Help Nancy Pelosi Escape This John Boehner Kiss

Ohio Republican and man-sized Oompa Loompa John Boehner was re-elected today to his third term as speaker for the House of Representatives, despite some two dozen fractious Tea Partiers voting against him for not being anti-Obama enough. To celebrate, Boehener gave Nancy Pelosi the most uncomfortable kiss in the… »1/06/15 5:20pm1/06/15 5:20pm

Republicans Will Use Senate Majority to Push 20-Week Abortion Ban

Good, great, now this is happening: the GOP plans to use its new majority in the Senate to try to pass a federal ban on abortion after 20 weeks. The idea, of course, is to inch ever-closer to overturning Roe v. Wade, because this is the party of small government and minimal interference into the private lives of… »12/08/14 2:50pm12/08/14 2:50pm