Put yourself, mentally, in the fall of 2013. An exciting time. Barack Obama had fewer grey hairs. I started every day by snorting a combination of Peruvian Xanax and birth control before firing off a few kicky blogs about rape. The kids couldn’t stop doing a dance called “The Retweet.” None of us had a care in the…

Nobody should need this reminder, and yet here we are.

Thirty-five-year-old Colleen Burns fell 400 feet into the Grand Canyon on Friday, after moving backwards to make space for another tourist.

We may or may not be witness to Justin Bieber’s personal, emotional, and intellectual renaissance. He is throwing off those chains, man, just like someone told him this dude named Karl Marx (or is it Carl Marks?) once did. He will not be oppressed by your selfie sticks and your photo filters anymore. No, Justin Bieber…

A man accidentally destroyed a 126-year-old statue earlier this week, during a disastrous attempt to snap a selfie. Please carry this story in your heart the next time you visit a museum, because it really seems like a matter of time before somebody smashes a valuable piece of ancient Greek artwork.

MasterCard customers should ready their best duck faces and perfect their skinny arms. The credit card company is launching an anti-identity theft initiative allowing people to use #selfies instead of passwords.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that any selfie-taking monkey must demand the copyright for her photographs. Or at least that seems to be what PETA is arguing. In September they filed a copyright lawsuit on the behalf of Naruto, the cheery macaque pictured above. The case was initially dismissed, but now Naruto…

Jeb Bush, that sweet, sad Guaca-Bowle hawker, is honestly just relieved you’re asking for his opinion about anything.

Close every museum and cut Revelations out of the Bible, because this video of Arizona State sorority girls taking nonstop selfies at a baseball game is the most accurate possible representation of our once-great civilization’s past (implicit but absent), present (lots of selfies), and future (inevitable, stunning…

Makeup companies have set a new bar for product testing—makeup that’s good enough for a selfie.

It seems as though every New York Fashion Week ushers in a new thinky essay from some industry vet talking about how it all used to be so much better (which I don’t doubt). This season’s missive reminding us that everything sucks now comes from the New York Times’s Guy Trebay.

A Houston teen fatally shot himself while taking a selfie with a gun. Sigh.

School is back in session, which means the return of a possible threat: head lice! According to the CDC, an estimated 6 million to 12 million lice infestations occur every year in the United States, among children ages 3 to 11. While teenagers usually don’t get head lice as often as younger children, medical experts…

Not to be outdone by Kim Kardashian’s mom-pressured pregnant selfie yesterday, Christina Aguilera has entered the fray to let her fans know that she’s still got that Dirrty side, which now includes several Buddhas, a pair of pink underwear, and two barely concealed breasts.

According to the Iowa City Press-Citizen, Gilbert Phelps was pulled over for speeding at around 2 a.m. last Thursday, and was taken into custody for a breath test after the officer, Ben Hektoen, noticed “an odor of ingested alcohol coming from the cabin of the vehicle.” From Hektoen’s filed police report, which you…

A 43-year-old woman was attacked by a bison during a trip to Yellowstone National Park when she—what else—tried to take a selfie with it. The woman was visiting from Mississippi with her daughter when they turned around to get into selfie stance and heard the click-clack of hooves moving toward them. They tried to…

Check out this hero riding a zipline, his selfie stick thrust outward, valiantly leading the way back to Earth. Little does he know that, in this moment lived triumphantly through a camera lens, he may have turned himself into a flesh-made lightning rod.

Here’s some great news for shopaholics and people who get annoyed when they’re buying something online and their wallet is on the other side of the room. MasterCard will start testing a new feature where you could make purchases through a facial scan.

If you choose to torture yourself at one of Disney’s theme parks this summer, there’s something in particular you should try to avoid—selfie stick users. At the California Screamin’ ride at Disney California Adventure, a passenger thought it was a good idea to pull out their selfie stick right before the attraction’s…

Last summer’s viral ALS Ice Bucket challenge has given way to this year’s contender for “worst way to make anyone aware of anything while showing off your body,” the aptly named “Hold a Coke With Your Boobs Challenge.” For breast cancer. Or something. Listen, let’s not pretend it’s anything but a trumped-up reason to…