Please, please, please act like you have got some sense and do not damage literal museum artifacts in the quest for the perfect photo op. For instance, definitely do not put your kid in an 800-year-old coffin lest you knock it over and break it.

Listen, if you’re not following the Rev. Al Sharpton on social media, what are you doing with your life? Lately, the civil rights leader has been posting selfies like the one above, and while he thinks it’s just a harmless promotion of a healthy lifestyle, the internet, namely black Twitter, thought it was hilarious…

Paris Hilton, long-time socialite and embodiment of the year 2005, was profiled by W magazine this week. The piece is more or less what you expect from a profile of Paris Hilton in W magazine, so I won’t get into much of its content here. (Read it later if you want, but please finish this first.) What I will get into…

During an off-the-record meeting Monday with a group of 30 of the most high-profile members of the major television networks, Donald Trump reportedly took issue with a very specific aspect of their coverage: His double chin.

Put yourself, mentally, in the fall of 2013. An exciting time. Barack Obama had fewer grey hairs. I started every day by snorting a combination of Peruvian Xanax and birth control before firing off a few kicky blogs about rape. The kids couldn’t stop doing a dance called “The Retweet.” None of us had a care in the…

Thirty-five-year-old Colleen Burns fell 400 feet into the Grand Canyon on Friday, after moving backwards to make space for another tourist.

We may or may not be witness to Justin Bieber’s personal, emotional, and intellectual renaissance. He is throwing off those chains, man, just like someone told him this dude named Karl Marx (or is it Carl Marks?) once did. He will not be oppressed by your selfie sticks and your photo filters anymore. No, Justin Bieber…

A man accidentally destroyed a 126-year-old statue earlier this week, during a disastrous attempt to snap a selfie. Please carry this story in your heart the next time you visit a museum, because it really seems like a matter of time before somebody smashes a valuable piece of ancient Greek artwork.

MasterCard customers should ready their best duck faces and perfect their skinny arms. The credit card company is launching an anti-identity theft initiative allowing people to use #selfies instead of passwords.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that any selfie-taking monkey must demand the copyright for her photographs. Or at least that seems to be what PETA is arguing. In September they filed a copyright lawsuit on the behalf of Naruto, the cheery macaque pictured above. The case was initially dismissed, but now Naruto…

Jeb Bush, that sweet, sad Guaca-Bowle hawker, is honestly just relieved you’re asking for his opinion about anything.

Close every museum and cut Revelations out of the Bible, because this video of Arizona State sorority girls taking nonstop selfies at a baseball game is the most accurate possible representation of our once-great civilization’s past (implicit but absent), present (lots of selfies), and future (inevitable, stunning…

Makeup companies have set a new bar for product testing—makeup that’s good enough for a selfie.

It seems as though every New York Fashion Week ushers in a new thinky essay from some industry vet talking about how it all used to be so much better (which I don’t doubt). This season’s missive reminding us that everything sucks now comes from the New York Times’s Guy Trebay.

A Houston teen fatally shot himself while taking a selfie with a gun. Sigh.

School is back in session, which means the return of a possible threat: head lice! According to the CDC, an estimated 6 million to 12 million lice infestations occur every year in the United States, among children ages 3 to 11. While teenagers usually don’t get head lice as often as younger children, medical experts…

Not to be outdone by Kim Kardashian’s mom-pressured pregnant selfie yesterday, Christina Aguilera has entered the fray to let her fans know that she’s still got that Dirrty side, which now includes several Buddhas, a pair of pink underwear, and two barely concealed breasts.

According to the Iowa City Press-Citizen, Gilbert Phelps was pulled over for speeding at around 2 a.m. last Thursday, and was taken into custody for a breath test after the officer, Ben Hektoen, noticed “an odor of ingested alcohol coming from the cabin of the vehicle.” From Hektoen’s filed police report, which you…

A 43-year-old woman was attacked by a bison during a trip to Yellowstone National Park when she—what else—tried to take a selfie with it. The woman was visiting from Mississippi with her daughter when they turned around to get into selfie stance and heard the click-clack of hooves moving toward them. They tried to…