How Did the Secret Service Choose Ben Carson's Awful Code Name?

Weeks after grousing that the Secret Service was refusing to protect him due to his Republicanism, both aggravated giant duckling Donald Trump and fellow front-runner Ben Carson have been assigned Secret Service security details. Someone needed to think through Ben Carson’s name just a touch longer. »11/10/15 6:10pm11/10/15 6:10pm


Your Next President Donald Trump Is Being Denied His God-Given Secret Service Security Detail 

The Department of Homeland Security has not yet assigned a Secret Service security detail to your next president and ruler for life, Donald Trump. Big mistake. Yooge. Because Trump will complain about it for several weeks to anyone in earshot before submitting the request in writing he actually needs to submit to get… »10/16/15 12:22pm10/16/15 12:22pm

Man Who Threatened to Lynch Obama Doesn't Get Why People Say He's Racist

Jeff Gullickson was very upset when Obama joined Twitter. So upset, in fact, that he immediately fired off a few tweets to let the President know exactly what he thought of him and his policies. Now, the Minnesota man is out of a job and being called a racist, which he says is a mistake. According to Gullickson, his… »6/04/15 7:20pm6/04/15 7:20pm

Prostitution Scandal-Mired White House Employee Got Ironic Promotion

Last night, the Washington Post reported that the White House is much more involved in the Secret Service's Cartagena prostitution scandal than they're letting on. And it's all over some Ivy League 25-year-old volunteer whose father gave a five-figure amount of money to Obama campaign. Paging Olivia Pope. »10/09/14 12:30pm10/09/14 12:30pm

The Secret Service Had Issues Way Before the Woman in Charge Got There

On Monday, invalid human Laura Ingraham indicated that she believed the White House's current security issues are due to the fact that Secret Service Director Julia Pierson was hired for being a woman and not for being a qualified human. But Pierson's gender identity is prompting even sometimes more… »10/01/14 11:00am10/01/14 11:00am

Colombian Prostitutes More Addictive Than Colombian Cocaine for U.S. Officials

Cocaine is so 80's. If you're a US government official, there's a new habit-forming hotness to emerge from the country of Colombia: prostitutes. At least, that's what's to be believed in light of the latest report that Drug Enforcement Administration officials habitually made Colombian poontang pit stops while… »5/22/12 12:30pm5/22/12 12:30pm

Colombian Prostitute From the Secret Service Scandal Calls the Agents 'A Bunch of Fools'

Dania Londono Suarez, one of the prostitutes who was involved with the Secret Service agents during their now infamous trip to Cartagena, has come forward to tell her side of the story to the media. The scandal that resulted in nine agents being fired—and worse, being called "knuckleheads" by President Obama—was… »5/06/12 9:50pm5/06/12 9:50pm

Secret Service Agent Runs Down a Grandmother in Brooklyn

It seems like just yesterday the Secret Service was pretty much unanimously associated with saving the day, but now the agency is finding that when it rains bad news, it pours. First came the prostitution scandal in Colombia, perhaps the first-ever challenge to our general idea that Secret Service members are totally… »5/04/12 12:05pm5/04/12 12:05pm

State Department Kids Treated to Educational Lecture About Hookers

The Secret Service's failure to be serviced in secret is now the hottest topic in DC area elementary schools after yesterday's ill-advised Take Your Child to Work Day at the US State Department. The State Department just so happens to be investigating a certain Secret Service for having certain sex with certain… »4/27/12 4:20pm4/27/12 4:20pm

Secret Service Fires Three More Agents as Obama Calls Them 'Knuckleheads'

The Secret Service announced tonight that it has fired three more of the agents involved in the now infamous prostitution scandal. Two of the agents are technically resigning, but a third is appealing his removal—boy, that takes some serious bravado. Two other agents have been cleared of wrongdoing, but will… »4/24/12 9:15pm4/24/12 9:15pm