These School Lunches Look Like Someone Sharted in a Litter Box

If this is what we're feeding our nation's children, we should not be surprised if they all grow up to be malnourished serial killers who only eat cat turds marinated in swamp sludge. » 11/29/13 10:45am 11/29/13 10:45am

It’s Only a Matter of Time Before We All Become Yogurt Zombies

A landslide of thick, protein-rich yogurt sludge is falling from Upstate New York onto the rest of the country, threatening to turn every single one of our public school children into yogurt zombies with an insatiable craving for whhhhheeeeeey. » 7/21/13 6:00pm 7/21/13 6:00pm

4th Grader Makes Award-Winning Documentary About Gross School Lunches

Mystery meat is finally revealed in its full slimy glory, thanks to the investigative reporting skills of an 11-year-old. » 5/14/13 9:30am 5/14/13 9:30am

Pittsburgh-Area High School Students Tweet About How Awful Their School…

Students at the Plum Borough School District in the Pittsburgh metro area are pissed that the price of their allegedly shitty school lunches has spiked to $2.50, and are taking full advantage of the Twitter mountaintop to yodel their displeasure in 140 characters or less. One student named Will tweeted Wednesday that… » 8/30/12 11:15pm 8/30/12 11:15pm

Survey Discovers that Making School Lunches Is Way Too Stressful

A new survey of American moms has discovered that making school lunches for the clamoring parasites that we politely call "children" can be a real pain in the ass, which is why it seems that more American dads are using their American fingers to help spread some American peanut butter over some American sliced bread… » 8/13/12 12:00pm 8/13/12 12:00pm

Adorable Lunch Blogger Will Team with Celebrity Chef to Make Better…

It's been a busy weekend for intrepid Scottish food blogger Martha Payne. First, humorless adults at Lochgilphead Primary School in western Scotland told the nine-year-old she could no longer photograph her disarmingly Euclidean school lunches because she was apparently jeopardizing the jobs of innocent lunch ladies.… » 6/17/12 3:30pm 6/17/12 3:30pm

Kids Reject L.A.'s New Healthy School Lunches, Compare Them To Dog Food

Those who say there's nothing wrong with continuing to count pizza and french fries as vegetables in school lunches often argue that if you try to feed kids healthier foods they'll refuse to eat them. The Los Angeles Unified School District's revamped lunch program seems to prove that point. Students have been… » 12/18/11 10:31pm 12/18/11 10:31pm

Congressional Magicians Attempt To Transform Pizza Into A Vegetable

Congress has taken on a long-neglected injustice in the food pyramid and will push to ensure that pizza, once derided as little more than a triangular delivery system for sodium and saturated fats, be finally recognized as the wholesome vegetable that it is. Our tax dollars, God's work. » 11/15/11 3:25pm 11/15/11 3:25pm

Lawmakers Fight To Keep School Lunches Cheap & Disgusting

Spurred by concern over childhood obesity, for the first time in 15 years the federal government has proposed changes to the school-lunch program that would make cafeteria food less gruel-like. As evidenced by their notorious love of kissing babies, politicians are extremely concerned about the well-being of American… » 11/02/11 2:25pm 11/02/11 2:25pm

Potatoes Come Under Scrutiny For Dominating Unhealthy School Lunches

Despite the fact that our nation's potato consumption is at its lowest point in 30 years — down 20% since 1996, in fact — our kids are consuming so much of the vegetable in school lunches that it's become a topic of debate in the Senate. The government would like to see potatoes in school lunches limited to only two… » 10/18/11 10:45am 10/18/11 10:45am

A Year Of Barely Edible School Lunches

Schools used to dish out putrid pasta dishes, burned french fries, and mystery meats with few complaints from parents, but the childhood obesity epidemic has drawn more attention to what kids are being served at school. For years advocates have been saying children need to have healthier lunch options, but now one… » 10/06/11 11:00am 10/06/11 11:00am

The War On Chocolate Milk

The debate over healthy school lunches has shifted to chocolate milk, which has long been presented as a clever way to trick kids into drinking something that's good for them. Now some districts are banning flavored milks over their sugar content, saying they're actually promoting childhood obesity. » 5/10/11 12:25pm 5/10/11 12:25pm

The Nachos That Wouldn't Die: A Story Of School Lunches

New Jersey parents are calling their kids' cafeteria fare "prison food" — and as anyone who's eaten lunch in our country's public schools knows, that's not actually far off. Exhibit A: nachos. » 4/16/10 1:30pm 4/16/10 1:30pm